


Shatter

by TheSongSmith



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Broken Castiel, Dean is Bad at Feelings, Dean is a Softie, Destiel - Freeform, Didn't make it to 50000 but that's okay, Gentle Dean, Human Castiel, Hurt Castiel, M/M, NaNoWriMo, Scared Castiel
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-12-06
Updated: 2016-02-06
Packaged: 2018-02-28 08:28:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 21
Words: 73,659
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2725697
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheSongSmith/pseuds/TheSongSmith
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When the little glass angel  fell and shattered, no amount of glue could fix it. This time is going to be different, and whoever broke Dean's angel is going to pay.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Holy Terror

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys! So this fic was my NaNoWriMo project, and even though it didn't meet the word count goal I'm still really proud of it and thought you might like to read it. Let me know what you think!

I wake up in the middle of the night, sure I heard something. Blade clutched in my hand, I scan the room, listening for any disturbance. Glancing at the clock, I realize that it’s almost four in the morning, and the only thing that woke me was my dreams. I sigh, relaxing my grip around the handle. Is it too much to ask for one solid night’s sleep? I turn away from the clock, and manage to almost fall asleep before the phone rings. When I see Cas’ number I frown, picking it up quickly. “Cas?”

There’s static on the other end, and then “Dean?”

“Yeah, it’s me. Are you okay?”

There’s an odd tone in his voice that puts my nerves on edge. “Dean…something is happening. I think they’re coming.”

“Who’s coming?” I ask, starting to find my clothes in the dark. “Cas, where are you? What’s happening?”

The signal starts to break up, cutting his words at odd angles. “I don’t…Dea…you can’t…I’m sorry.”

There’s more static, and then the sound of something hitting the ground. “Cas? Cas!”

There’s a yelp and a cry, and then more static. “Dean!”

The connection cuts off suddenly, and I have to fight to keep from throwing the phone across the room. I dress quickly, pounding on Sam’s door. “Sammy!”

There’s a shuffle on the other side of the door, and a disheveled-looking Sam opens it. “Dean? What the hell, man? It’s like four in the morning.”

“Something is wrong with Cas,” I explain quickly. “I think something took him. We have to go after him.”

He frowns, rubbing his eyes. “Dean, are you sure it wasn’t a dream?”

“Yes Sam, I’m sure!” I snap. “He called me on the phone and I heard the whole thing. We have to go now!”

“Okay…where is he?”

“I don’t know,” I mutter, starting to walk towards the door. “God Sammy, I don’t know, but I’m going to find out. Are you coming or not?”

I hear his heavy footsteps behind me, growling as he grabs onto my shoulder. “Woah, Dean, hold on. Your plan is to just get in the Impala, and…what? Drive the entire world until you find him? Look, I know you’re upset, but you have to stop and think about this for a moment. We’re not helping Cas at all if we just rush into this blind.”

I have to fight the urge to growl at him again, because I know he’s right. I take a breath, sighing. “I don’t know what to do, Sammy. He needs our help.”

He nods. “Okay,” he says calmly. “Let me get dressed and I’ll come help you figure it out. Start with tracking his phone. Maybe he still has it.” I find my laptop in the kitchen, and I’m so upset that it takes three tries to type Cas’ number in right. I slam the cover of the laptop down when the search comes back with nothing. I look up to find Sam standing in the doorway. “Guess that’s a no,” he sighs. “Alright. Tell me what you heard on the phone.”

“Static, mostly,” I mutter. “The connection was bad. And he sounded almost…scared. More than I’ve ever heard. He said something was happening and that ‘they’ were coming.”

“Static could indicate a strong supernatural being. High level demon maybe. Anything else?”

I consider it for a moment. “After that it sounded like he might’ve dropped the phone. And then there was a voice, a man, and it sounded like they grabbed him or something. He yelled my name, and then it hung up.”

Sam nods thoughtfully, quiet for a minute. Anything else from the background? What did the voice sound like?”

“I couldn’t understand the words, but it didn’t sound human. And there was this sort of…wind towards the end, before it cut off.”

“Could be angels,” he murmurs. “They’d be powerful enough to interrupt the signal like that. Plus…”

“They’re dicks,” I finish. “It’s possible. But I thought he was on good terms with the God squad lately. Why would they kidnap him? It wasn’t like he had to go tend to something. It was like he was calling to tell me, like he wanted me to know. He knew they were after him, and he was scared. This is bad, Sammy.”

He nods. “What I don’t get is why he wouldn’t come here if he knew he was in trouble.”

“Maybe he thought he’d be putting us in danger?” I shrug. “You know how he is about that stuff. Either way, we have to find him. He needs our help.”

“I’m not so sure there’s much we can do,” Sam sighs. “If he was taken by angels, I’d assume they’d take him to heaven. We don’t exactly have the resources to get there.”

I stand up, pacing around the kitchen. “So we try to summon an angel and get them to take us. We have to do _something._ ”

Sam sighs. “Dean…look, I know you’re upset. He’s my friend too, but until he comes back down I’m not seeing a lot of options for us.”

I growl in frustration, lashing out at the papers on the table while Sam opens the laptop again. “So, what? We just sit here while they torture him until they’re happy? We just wait around here twiddling our thumbs? Not knowing if he’s even _alive_?!”

“That’s not what I’m saying, Dean,” he says calmly. “I’m saying that if we’re going to help him, we need to be smart about this. If we rush in there without knowing what we’re dealing with and get ourselves killed then there’s not going to be anyone left to help him. Whatever’s happening, we’re going to save him. We just need to do it the right way.”

I sigh, leaning against the counter. “Fine. I’m gonna go pack up in case we get something.”

Before I can take a step out of the room the computer beeps. I frown, turning back to the GPS tracking page. Relief flashes inside my chest as a little dot comes up. Sam squints at the screen. “Looks like he’s touched down in Oklahoma. Somewhere outside Stillwater. That’s a couple of hours drive.”

“Then we’d better get started. Meet you in the car.”

* * *

 

I tap anxiously at the steering wheel the entire drive, pretending not to notice the annoyed little glares Sam is giving me in between his attempts at sleep. “You know,” he says cautiously when we’ve crossed the border into Oklahoma, “There’s a chance he might not be with the phone.”

“Sammy? Shut up and refresh the map.” He makes an indignant noise, but pulls the map up again, and I’m relieved that the little blinking dot hasn’t moved. With serious disregard for the speed limits, we make it in just under four hours. I hide the impala around a bend and grab weapons from the trunk before slowly creeping towards the building the signal is coming from. “Quiet,” I mutter to him.

He nods. “Feel like a trap to you?” he whispers back.

I shrug. “I’m going in either way.” He nods, dropping back to cover me as I cautiously step inside. The building is eerily empty, so much so that the dust on the floor looks like it hasn’t been disturbed in decades. We scope out the entire place without any sign of Cas, or anyone else for that matter. I curse under my breath, but Sam nudges my shoulder, nodding towards a spot on the floor. Kneeling down to inspect it, I find a small seam in between the floor tiles. Feeling around a little more I find a latch that opens a hidden door onto a staircase. “Now that’s more like it,” I mutter, picking up the flashlight and carefully heading down. It’s much darker here, the space filled with what looks like oversized cages, all of which seem empty. “What the hell, Sammy?” He just shrugs. We both jump, whirling around at the light jingling of chains from behind us.

My flashlight catches something in one of the cages, and it takes me a minute to register that the wide blue eyes inside belong to Cas. Naked and squished as far back into the corner of a dingy mattress as possible, he’s bloodied and bruised underneath a layer of dirt that covers him from head to toe. Relief and shock rush through my veins together, and I press up against the bars as Sam works on picking the lock. “Cas! God, it’s good to see you.” He doesn’t answer, just trembles and watches me. I hear the jingling noise again, and for the first time I notice chains bolted into the wall. I trace each one down to where they end in cuffs locked around each of his wrists and a heavy looking metal collar around his neck. I frown, exchanging a look with Sam. “Don’t worry, Cas. We’re gonna get you out of here.”

Sam finally gets the door open, slipping a small syringe into my pocket. “Sedative. Just in case,” he murmurs under his breath.

I nod, starting forward into the cage, only to freeze in place when Cas shoves himself back against the wall almost violently, whimpering fearfully and throwing his hands up over his face. “Hey, it’s okay,” I say softly, holding my hands up. “Cas, buddy, it’s just me. It’s Dean. Look at me. I’m not going to hurt you, okay? I just want to get you out of here before they come back.” His whimpers quiet a little as he slowly peeks out from behind his hands, but he still looks terrified. I take another step forward, and something in my chest tightens as he shrinks back a little more, watching me anxiously. Suddenly something creaks at the other end of the building, and all three of us glance up as faint voices grow closer.

“Dean, we gotta get moving,” Sam murmurs.

“I know,” I mutter under my breath. “How am I supposed to do that when I can’t get near him?”

“Use it if you have to,” he whispers. “We have to get him out of here.”

I take a deep breath, looking back at the frightened angel. “Okay Cas, look. I know you’re scared, but you know me,” I say, trying to keep my voice calm as I creep closer, approaching him the way you’d approach a wild animal. “You know I wouldn’t hurt you, right? We’re going to go home where you’ll be safe, but I need to get those chains off so we can get out of here. Understand?” The angel swallows loudly, giving a slight nod. “Okay. So I’m gonna come over there and take them off, alright? One step at a time. Nice and easy…” He stays tense, shuddering as I reach towards the collar, starting to pick the lock. I murmur softly as I work; things that don’t make any sense but sound comforting. I manage to take the syringe out of my pocket without him noticing, and when the lock on the collar clicks open I carefully push the point into his neck, wincing at his terrified whimper as he struggles to pull away from me. “It’s okay, it’s okay,” I murmur, trying to soothe his sudden panic. “I’m sorry. We have to get you out of here. It’s alright.” Cas’ eyes widen in shock, and he stares up at me for a moment before his eyes flutter closed and he slumps forward, falling against my chest. I sigh, clearing my throat as I make quick work of the other locks, carefully picking him up, his head falling to my shoulder. “Let’s go.” We head cautiously upstairs and, by some miracle, manage to make it to the car without tipping anyone off. I toss the keys to Sam, climbing into the back with Cas and wrapping him in a blanket as we pull back onto the road. “Jesus Christ,” I murmur to myself as I take stock of his injuries.

Sam glances back in the rearview mirror. “He okay?”

“He’s breathing,” I answer. “But as far as okay…did you see the way he looked at me? And his reaction when I tried to touch him…What are we gonna do, Sammy? How did things even get this bad in a couple of hours?”

He sighs. “He said time works differently in heaven. For all we know he’s been tortured for decades up there. We’ll just have to do the best we can. He needs to know he’s safe. We have to be patient with him.”

I nod, sighing softly and holding him closer, stroking his messy hair lightly as if it might make him feel better. “He looked at me like I betrayed him. What’d we give him anyway? Why’d you even bring that?”

“Just a light sedative. It’ll wear off soon. I just…from what you said, I kinda figured we might run into something like this. I’m sure he’ll forgive you once he calms down. He’ll understand.”

Another hour into the drive, Cas starts to stir, whimpering softly as he blinks groggily. “Cas?” I murmur. All of a sudden he jumps back from me, pressing as far back against the door as he can. I shift back, holding my hands up. “Woah, hey, it’s okay. Just me and Sammy. You’re safe now.” He hunkers down in the blanket, watching me cautiously. “Look, I’m really sorry about the shot. I know it wasn’t right, but we had to get you out of there before those people came back to hurt you. No more tricks, I promise. We’re here to help, alright?” His posture softens a little, but he stays silent with his back pressed against the door. “Okay, let’s talk,” I try. “We’re going to take you home where they can’t get you, and we’ll get you cleaned up and fed and warm. I’m going to stay right here on my side of the car, and I won’t touch you unless you say it’s okay. Sound like a plan?” Cas considers it for a minute before nodding, relaxing slightly. When I turn away he shifts to glance out the window, watching the snow on the ground blur by. Though still on guard, his exhaustion and the gentle motions of the car get the better of him, and soon he nods off, still huddled in his blanket. I watch him quietly for a minute, frowning at how small he looks. He reminds me of the little glass angel we put on the top of the makeshift Christmas tree I made for Sammy as a kid. He’d immediately bumped into it and sent the angel tumbling, shattering on the floor beyond the help of any glue. “He won’t even speak to me, Sammy,” I sigh. “I have no idea what to do here.”

He glances back again. “You seem to be doing okay so far. You got him to relax a little. He’s just scared. We’ll figure it out. The sooner we get him fixed up, the better.”


	2. Stained Glass

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You guys are awesome! Here's chapter two for ya :D

Cas stirs awake just as we’re pulling up to the bunker, and he scrambles for the door handle before the car even stops. “Guess he really wants to be outside,” Sam mutters.

I watch him take a few steps before stumbling face-first into the snow. “Son of a bitch,” I mutter under my breath, crossing over to his side. He draws his blanket tighter around himself, but doesn’t seem able to get up. “Alright, can I give you a hand? I’ll only touch the blanket, I swear.” He nods hesitantly, so I carefully haul him up from the ground, carrying him inside. I half expect him to panic, but he just shivers and curls in on himself further, continuing his soft whimpering as I set him down in the bathroom with Sam trailing behind us. I take a deep breath to prepare myself for the next step, sitting down on the edge of the bathtub. “Alright buddy, can we talk for a minute?” He just stares at me, still and silent as ever. “I’m gonna take that as a yes. So listen. I know you’re in pain right now. We gotta get you cleaned up so we can see what’s going on and how we can fix it. That means you’re going to have to let go of the blanket for a little while, and that I’m going to have to touch you a little.” He makes a disgruntled noise, hugging the blanket tighter. “I know,” I continue, keeping my voice soft. “I know you don’t like it, and it’s not exactly what I want to be doing, but I don’t want you to get sick or be in pain, so we have to get you clean. I’ll be very gentle, I promise. I don’t want to hurt you.” Cas considers it for a moment, glancing behind me nervously at Sam.

“Oh. Um, I’ll just go find some clothes for you,” he says quickly. “You might want to use the baby soap so it won’t burn him,” he murmurs to me, nodding towards the cabinet. I nod, and he closes the door behind him, which seems to make Cas feel better. He looks at me and gives a short nod.

I reach over and start the water, gathering soap and fresh towels while he studies the faucet. “Temperature okay?” I ask in an attempt to fill the silence. He swipes a hand through the water curiously, nodding. “Good. Let’s get you in then.” Still clutching the blanket, Cas cautiously sticks one foot in the water, making a small noise. His gaze shifts nervously between me and the tub, and I look away, busying myself with unfolding and refolding the towel until I hear him slip into the water. When I look up again he’s hugging his knees tightly, the occasional pained whimper escaping him. I walk over slowly, sitting down on the edge of the tub and rolling up my sleeves. “You doing okay?” He nods, the warm water slowly bringing color back to his skin. “Alright Cas, let’s clean you up. You wanna try doing it yourself or you want me to do it?” He just looks at me and shivers. “Okay then…let’s do this.” Hesitantly, he holds out one arm, and I gently rub the soapy cloth along it until the grime comes away. Cas stays tensed, watching me as I carefully work up to his shoulder. “You scared me, you know,” I say quietly, trying to ease the uncomfortable silence. “I thought I’d never see you again. Sammy thought I was crazy. I was ready to charge in there without a clue what I was getting into.”

Cas sighs softly, his eyes fluttering closed as I gingerly run the cloth down his chest, careful not to press too hard over the cuts and bruises littering his skin, and relief rushes through me at the slight response. He may not be speaking, but it’s at least better than the staring, and the distressed noises start to quiet. The cleaner he gets the more injuries I uncover, and I wince at the red skin around his wrists and throat, rubbed raw by his restraints. He starts a soft whimpering as I scoop water up and let it run gently over his neck, but it’s far less frightened. “I know,” I murmur soothingly. “I’m sorry. Almost done with this part.” I move on to thoroughly clean his back, being gentle around the apparent lash marks. Cas mewls softly, and I pause. “You okay?” He nods. “Good. You think you can uncurl a little bit for me?”

He hesitates, watching me for a minute before slowly releasing his knees and stretching them out along the bottom of the tub. I smile encouragingly. “Thanks. You want to do this part yourself?” He takes the cloth from me, gingerly cleaning himself while I find shampoo. He whimpers, turning around when I try to sit behind the tub. “Well I can’t get to your hair if you’re looking at me.” He whines again, and it takes me a minute to realize what he wants. I move back to sit beside him, and he visibly relaxes. “So it’s better if you can see me, huh?” I ask quietly, lathering the shampoo into his hair. He nods, and a soft moan escapes him as I lightly massage his scalp. It surprises him so much that he claps his hand over his mouth, and I laugh. “It’s okay,” I chuckle. “Nice to know I’m not hurting you, at least.” The corners of Cas’ mouth twitch up a little, and he reaches out cautiously, lightly touching my arm. It’s hesitant, but it feels a lot like a thank you. “You’re welcome,” I smile back. He willingly tips his head back to let me rinse the soap from his hair and body. I frown down at the water for a moment, which has turned a pinkish gray with the grime and blood. “Alright, all clean. Let’s see what Sam found for you.”

I walk over to the door, opening it a crack and picking up the stack of clothes set outside. I help him out of the tub, gently drying him off and tending to the smaller injuries on his legs. The sheer number of injuries is shocking. He flinches, shuddering violently when I try to examine the odd markings on the insides of his thighs. The reaction puts a sick feeling in my stomach, and I cover them quickly, turning away to let him pull underwear and sweatpants on. “Let’s go somewhere more comfortable and fix the rest of you up, okay?” He nods, getting to his feet, and though he still limps it looks like less of a struggle. To my surprise he heads towards my room, freezing in the doorway when he realizes what he’s doing and looking back at me. “That’s fine,” I answer his silent question. “You can stay in here if you want. I don’t mind.” He takes another breath before going inside, sitting down gingerly on the bed. “Alright. Would it be okay with you if I got Sammy to take a look at you? He’s a little better with the medical stuff than I am.”

Cas stiffens a little, considering it, but eventually nods, so I call for Sam and sit down beside the angel, keeping a couple of feet of space between us. “Hey,” Sam says softly when he enters. “How are you feeling?” Cas just shrugs, watching him carefully. “Alright then,” he says, maintaining his cheerful tone. “Let’s see what we’ve got. I’m just going to look, I won’t touch.” He cautiously steps closer, taking note of the injuries on Cas’ body. Cas tenses, turning when he tries to get a look at his back.

“He doesn’t like people behind him, Sammy,” I murmur.

“Right, sorry. Well the good news is I don’t think you need any stitches. We should be safe with an antibiotic and some bandages. You might have a couple of broken ribs, but that shouldn’t be too hard to fix. What hurts the worst?” Cas stares up at him, perplexed, like he’s not sure that question has an answer. Sam sighs. “You’re so exhausted you don’t even know, huh?” He nods. “Alright. Let’s start with bandaging those cuts. You want Dean to do it?”

Cas hesitates, but nods shyly, so Sam hands me a container filled with white cream and a stack of bandages. “Okay,” I murmur, shifting closer. “I’ll be as gentle as I can.” I start carefully covering each mark with the cream, working my way down his chest and torso and apologizing when he flinches. “Alright buddy, I have to get the ones on your back too. That okay?” He tenses, but allows me to repeat the process on his back. I work as quickly as I can, and when I sit back beside him he seems to relax a little.

“Starting to feel better?” Sam asks. Cas nods, eyeing the container of cream suspiciously. “It’s a special blend,” Sam explains. “An antibiotic mixed with a pain reliever. We keep it in the fridge because the cold takes some of the sting out.” Surprisingly, Cas doesn’t put up much of a fight when Sam bandages his torso to keep his ribs in place and protect the other wounds, only occasionally wincing. He has me gently cover the raw skin at Cas’ throat with the mixture, and though he whimpers throughout the process, Cas sighs in relief when the medicine starts to kick in. “Let’s leave that exposed,” Sam murmurs. “If we bandage it it’ll stick and hurt him more.”

“How’s the pain, Cas?” I ask. “Better?” He nods, his shoulders slumping with exhaustion. “Good. You want to try to eat something?” He shakes his head. “Alright then, bed it is.”

“Feel better, Cas,” Sam says softly, gathering up his things and quietly slipping out.

Cas’ breaths start to deepen, a combined reaction to the pain relief and fatigue, and I carefully pull the blankets back for him. He frowns at me, shaking his head. “What?” He gives me a pointed look, then looks back at the bed. “Yeah, I know it’s my bed,” I chuckle. “You need to sleep. It’s okay. Just lie down.” He hesitates for a moment, but the invitation is too much to resist, and he slowly lays back, burying his face in the pillow as I carefully tuck the blankets in around him. “Want me to turn out the light?” He shakes his head hard. “Yeah, I guess you’ve been in the dark long enough, huh? Okay. Sweet dreams, Cas.” I turn to leave, but he whimpers loudly. “You…want me to stay?” He flushes red, but nods. “Um…alright then…” I drag over a chair, setting it down by the side of the bed. “This okay?” he nods, biting his lip for a moment before cautiously reaching his hand out. “You...want me to hold your hand?” I ask, puzzled. He shrinks back a little, unsure, and I mentally kick myself for making him feel bad when he finally wants me near him. “Okay, I can do that,” I say quickly, reaching out and taking it lightly. Cas burrows farther under his blanket, gripping my hand tightly. “Alright. I won’t go anywhere. Get some sleep.” I rub my thumb over the back of his hand gently until he relaxes, slipping into unconsciousness. I watch him quietly for a few minutes before Sam knocks softly.

“How’s he doing?” he whispers.

I shrug. “Alright, I guess. He’s a little less jumpy, but he’s nowhere close to normal. What do you think?”

“Well, I…honestly don’t know. Whatever they did had to be bad to mess him up like this. Did you see anything strange while you were cleaning him up?”

I sigh. “I don’t know. The whole thing is strange. There were these weird lines up the insides of his thighs. I didn’t look that hard, but he freaked a little when I went near them. Looked almost like burns. Like someone ran a hot poker over his skin.”

“Certainly a possibility,” he sighs. “His injuries will heal, but it’s the rest of him I’m worried about. There’s clearly some psychological damage there. Has he said anything yet?”

“No, but he’s communicating a little more. At the very least he’s responsive.”

He nods. “Good. Hopefully when he wakes up we can get him to eat something. You okay sitting with him? Want me to take a turn?”

I shake my head. “I’m good. He’d probably freak out if he woke up and you were here instead of me.”

“Good point. Alright, I’m gonna go to the store then. We should start him on food that’s easier to digest. Last thing we need is a vomiting angel.”

I nod, turning my attention back to Cas. His frightened expression has smoothed out, and he looks a little bit more like the Cas I know. At some point I must doze off, because I wake up to him whimpering and thrashing, fighting the blankets. “Cas?” I murmur softly. “Hey, Cas. Come on, wake up!” When he finally does it’s with a scream that makes my chest hurt, and he pulls away from me in terror. “Hey, it’s me, it’s me! It was just a dream. Take it easy. You’re okay.” He stares at me with wide eyes for a moment before the understanding dawns on him, and his eyes well up with tears. A strangled sob claws its way out of his chest, and then another, and he grabs onto me, hiding his face against my shirt. I’m too shocked for a moment to respond, feeling his tight, desperate grip around me. “Alright,” I murmur, hesitantly wrapping my arms around him. “Hey, it’s okay. They can’t hurt you. Take a deep breath.” He shakes his head hard, trembling and gasping in between sobs, violent shudders wracking his frame. I sigh, hugging him closer. “Cas, buddy, you’re okay. Look at me, alright?” Cautiously, he looks up, and something in my chest tightens at the fear in his eyes and the perplexed stare of someone not quite in reality yet. I clear my throat, taking a deep breath. “I’m not going to let anything happen to you. You just gotta calm down and breathe for me. You’re safe. You trust me, right?" Slowly, he nods, his head falling to my shoulder, and I tighten my grip on him a little. "Okay, good. Then we're going to do this together. So try to relax. I got you. No one's gonna hurt you on my watch, and I'm not going anywhere. Just keep breathing for me, alright? It's gonna be okay." I rub the back of his neck gently until his breaths start to even out. “There you go,” I murmur, lightly running a hand through his hair. “You’re okay. I’m here. Take your time.”

I continue to murmur to him softly until his nightmares fade and the trembling stops, his whimpers growing quieter until they fall silent. “You doing alright?” I ask softly. He sniffs, pulling away and nodding. Instinctively, I reach out to wipe the tearstains from his face, and he flinches away. “S’okay. Not gonna hurt you,” I murmur soothingly, moving slower towards him, relieved when he lets me wipe them away. “You wanna talk about it?” Cas swallows and looks away, a crease forming between his eyebrows like he’s warring with himself. An idea comes to me, and I start digging through the drawer. He watches curiously, frowning in confusion when I pull out a pad and pen. “If you can’t tell me what your dream was about, maybe you’d like to show me,” I explain, holding it out for him. He hesitates a moment before taking it, biting his lip in concentration as he draws. When he finishes he rips off the page and shoves it back at me. It’s a crude drawing, but it looks like some sort of table or bench with restraints at every corner. “Oh, Cas…” I whisper, my chest tightening as I imagine what might have been done to him. I’m caught off guard when he grabs it out of my hands, balling it up with a kind of seething rage I’ve never seen in him before and chucking it as far across the room as he can, his breaths coming out in short, angry bursts. “Okay, I understand,” I say softly. “You’re upset. It’s okay to feel that way. They did horrible things to you; things no one should have to go through. It’s okay to be angry and scared and upset. That’s normal.” His expression softens a little with what seems like relief that he’s being understood. “I get it, okay? And I know it’s looking pretty bleak right now with all those memories still so fresh and raw in your head. But I promise you things will get better. I’m always here if you want to talk or draw or whatever. I’m going to help you get better, and then I’m going to find those sons of bitches and make them pay for what they did to you. You’re not in this alone.”

Cas gives a long sigh, writing on the pad again and turning it around. _Sorry_.

“For what?” I ask, puzzled.

He scribbles again. _Nightmares. Personal space. Not talking. Everything._

I sigh softly. “Hey, you don’t have to apologize for any of that. We’re family. We take care of each other. There’s nothing wrong with needing a little help, Cas. I don’t mind any of it. Honestly, after the scare you gave me earlier I’m just thrilled you’re alive. Everything else…whether you want to talk or not talk, or sleep in my bed, or hold my hand…I don’t care about that stuff, man. I’ll do whatever it takes to get you through this. And then I’m going to hunt down the bastards who hurt you and do unspeakable things to them until I feel better, and they’ll wish they’d messed with somebody else’s angel instead of mine.”

The tiniest of smiles plays at the corners of Cas’ mouth. _Your angel?_ he writes.

I feel my face go red. “You know what I mean.” A short chuckle escapes him, and the sound eases the tension in my whole body. “Do you understand now?” He gives a slight nod. “Good. Still tired? Want to go back to sleep?” He hesitates, looking at the pillow with a mixture of desire and reluctance. I offer my hand again, but instead of taking it he takes a breath and scoots further towards the other side of the bed. It takes me a minute to realize what he’s trying to ask for. “You want me to lie down with you?” He swallows nervously, shrugging. “I mean, I don’t mind, but I don’t want to freak you out. I know you like your space lately. You sure it’s okay?”

He nods, writing on the pad again. _Working on it_.

“Alright. Let me know if you change your mind.” I climb up next to him, careful to leave a couple of inches of space between us. Cas hesitates for a moment before shifting closer, cautiously pressing up against my side. I slowly put my arm around him, feeling him stiffen for a moment before he relaxes. “That okay?”

He nods, sighing softly and scribbling on the pad. _Safe_.

I smile, ruffling his hair lightly. “Good. Go back to sleep.” After a few minutes his breaths slow, and he relaxes against me. I carefully peel the pad and pen from his hand, setting them down on the nightstand. He mumbles quietly in his sleep, but I run a hand through his hair and he settles again. “I’ll keep you safe, Cas,” I murmur. “I promise.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aww, cuddles. Please remember to review if you like it! I love hearing from you!
> 
> Love,  
> TheSongSmith


	3. Fragile

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You guys are awesome :D

When he wakes up again, it starts with him snuggling up against my side. I chuckle softly, and he looks up, puzzled. “Morning,” I murmur. “Any more nightmares?” He shakes his head, rubbing his eyes tiredly. “Good.” He sighs softly, nuzzling into my chest in a sleepy, affectionate gesture that reminds me of a cat. “Are you always this cuddly when you wake up?” I tease lightly. He blinks for a moment, seeming to realize what he’s doing, and pulls away, blushing. “I’m only kidding, Cas. I don’t mind. You feeling alright?” He gives a small shrug. “Better than a no, I guess. Hungry? I can get Sam to bring some food.” A little bit of tension creeps back into his posture at the mention of Sam, but he nods, reaching for his pad and pen while I send a quick message to Sam. I watch him stretch a little, wincing. “You’re starting to look better, at least.”

 _You too,_ he writes.

I chuckle. “Of course I do. You’re talking to me again.” He smiles slightly, then taps his wrist. I check my phone. “A little after noon. You slept through the rest of yesterday.” He frowns at that, looking up when Sam comes in. “Hey Cas. How are you feeling?” Cas gives a slight shrug. “Well I brought you some food. I figured we should start small and make sure your stomach is okay first. Ever had grilled cheese?” Cas shakes his head, taking a cautious bite and making a pleased sound. “Good? If that goes down okay we can make you something else in a little while.” Cas nods gratefully, and Sam smiles. “Okay. If you need anything let me know.”

He slips out, and Cas digs into his food enthusiastically. “Guess you were hungry,” I chuckle. “Just take it easy. You don’t want to puke it back up again.” Cas makes a face at me. “Just warning you.” While he eats I reach for the antibiotic cream Sam left behind, moving to put it around his throat again, but he startles, flinching away. “Sorry, sorry,” I mutter, mentally kicking myself. “Forgot. I’m gonna put this on again, okay? It shouldn’t hurt as much as last time.” He gives a short nod, stilling while I carefully spread the cream. He sighs softly when I finish, closing his eyes for a minute. “Why didn’t you tell me it was hurting again? I could have given you some medicine.” He shakes his head hard. “Okay, okay, no medicine. Just eat your food.” He does so quickly, downing the glass of water before lying down again. “You want me to lay with you again?” He nods shyly, so I shift over beside him, and he presses close. He looks up after a minute, staring at me curiously. “What are you looking at me like that for?”

Grabbing his pad again, he writes _You look tired._

“Well I’ve been taking care of you since four o’clock yesterday morning.” He looks down guiltily, and I sigh. “I didn’t mean it like that. You know I don’t mind. I wouldn’t have been able to sleep if I’d tried anyway.”

He frowns at that. _You need to sleep_.

“I’m fine, Cas. I’m a hunter. I don’t need that much sleep.” He sits up again, glaring at me. “What?” He crosses his arms over his chest stubbornly. “You’re not going to sleep unless I do?” I guess. He nods, and I sigh. “Okay, okay. No need to be hostile. I’ll sleep, okay?”

 _Promise?_ He scribbles.

“I promise. Will you lie down please?” He shoots me one more glare for good measure before settling down again, relaxing as I stroke slowly along his spine. He sighs softly, snuggling up closer until he can rest his head against my chest. He falls asleep quickly, snoring quietly.

Sam comes back to take the tray out, staying mercifully silent about our position and stooping to pick up the crumpled ball of paper by the door. He smooths it out, frowning. “What’s this?”

“It’s his nightmare,” I explain. “He woke up screaming last night. He didn’t want to speak, but he looked like he wanted to tell me about it, so I suggested he draw it. Then he got mad and threw it across the room.”

He swallows, nodding. “Damn.” He pauses for a minute. “You think it would help if he could draw more? I think there’s an empty sketch pad in the library. Even if he doesn’t want to show them to us, it might help getting them out of his head.”

I shrug. “It’s worth a shot. It seemed to make him feel better knowing I could understand him.”

He nods thoughtfully, taking the tray out to the kitchen, and I drift off to the sound of running water. When I wake up again I’m cold, and I look around for a moment, confused. Cas is sitting at the end of the bed, chewing on his bottom lip as he draws furiously. “Hey, you alright?” I murmur. He glances up, nodding. “Sam brought you that, huh? What are you drawing?” He frowns, clutching the pad against his chest. “Okay, I won’t look. As long as it makes you feel better.”

He smiles sheepishly, finding the smaller pad. _Sorry. Not ready._

“That’s alright. You don’t have to tell me unless you want to. Did you sleep at least?” I ask. He nods. “Good. I’m gonna go take a quick shower, alright? I’ll be right back.” When I finish washing up, I take an extra minute to let the hot water relax my muscles before my worry about Cas starts eating at me. I quickly throw on sweatpants, and when I return the sketch pad is at the opposite side of the bed, and Cas is staring at the wall, breathing harshly. “Everything alright?” I ask cautiously. His head snaps up, and he shakes it once. “Well…what’s wrong?” I notice his white knuckled grip on the blanket, frowning. “Your memories trying to suck you back in?” I guess.

He nods, scribbling on the pad. _Help_. _Please_.

“Okay,” I murmur, sitting down next to him and carefully shifting closer. “What can I do?”

 _Talk_. He answers.

“About what?” I ask, puzzled. He whines desperately. “Okay, okay. Come here.” I hold my arm out, and he scoots closer, wrapping his arms around my chest tightly. I gently put an arm around him, careful to avoid his injuries as I hug him closer. “Alright, I got you. Deep breaths, okay? Let’s see…Did I ever tell you how the Legos got into the air vents?” He shakes his head, pressing his ear over my heart the same way Sam used to when he had nightmares. The difference, I guess, is that Cas’ nightmares are real, and he’s barely holding onto reality. “Well, they were Sammy’s to begin with. I guess I was mad at him for something, and I didn’t think far enough ahead to realize I wouldn’t be able to get them back out.” Cas closes his eyes as he listens, and slowly his grip on me starts to relax as I gently comb my fingers through his hair. “Dad was mad, not so much because I did it but because Sammy wouldn’t stop crying about it. I don’t know how he did it, but he cried pretty much continuously for, like, two weeks. Little bastard still brings it up sometimes. I’ll get mad at him for taking something of mine, and his comeback will be ‘Well, you shoved my Legos down the air vent!’ I swear, I’ll never live that down. But that’s what brother’s do, I guess. They annoy the crap out of each other. Sometimes, if you turn the heat on high enough, you can smell the plastic. I know I could take the dashboard apart and fish them out, but I kinda like them there. When Sammy first went away to college, I sent him a little packet of the knockoff ones with a note telling him not to lose them this time. He’ll never admit it, but he still has them around here somewhere.” I feel Cas take a deeper breath, finally relaxing before he looks up at me. “Feel better?”

He gives a small smile, nodding. _Much better. Thank you._

“Don’t sweat it, I’m glad I could help.” I pause, rubbing the back of my neck for a moment. “Uh, Cas, you know if you ever wanted to talk or something…I’m around, alright?” He watches me curiously for a minute, his head tilted to the side, before throwing his arms around my neck, hugging me tightly. I laugh, patting his back awkwardly. “Woah, hey, you’re welcome. That’s what family is for. You must be kinda bored in here. Want to go out to the living room and watch a movie?” He nods. “Alright. You need a hand getting there?” He shakes his head. “Okay. You go ahead and figure out what you want to watch. I’m just gonna find a shirt…” He looks at me for a minute, then shakes his head again, taking my hand and dragging me out to the living room. “…Or not. Is this your way of telling me you like me shirtless?” He doesn’t answer that, just sighs and snuggles up next to me on the couch, pulling a blanket over the both of us. It’s kind of sweet. We go through the movie choices, and Cas finally picks Star Wars. He settles back against my chest, sighing softly. “You know,” I chuckle, “You could still hear it through a shirt.” He looks up sheepishly, embarrassed at being caught. “Sammy used to do the same thing when he was scared,” I explain.

 _It’s very human_ , he writes.

“Well, I’d hope so.” He smiles slightly, turning his attention back to the movie. I watch his face as he thinks for a while, frowning. “You alright?”

He nods slowly. _Can I show you something?_

“Yeah, of course.” Something in his expression makes my stomach clench, and I take a deep breath while he disappears down the hall. He comes back with his sketch book, biting his lip for a moment before flipping it open to the first page and handing it to me. It’s a much more detailed drawing than the first one he showed me, but it appears to be the same place. There’s the same long table, except now Cas is pictured in the center, strapped down to it, looking very similar to the way we found him, fragile and terrified. Sam must have found colored pencils somewhere, because the whole thing is done in reds and purples. It sends a jolt of terror through me just looking at it. I have to remind myself to take a breath and tear my eyes away from the center to look at what’s around it. There’s an awful lot of people around him, and it takes me a minute to realize what the dark smudges behind them are supposed to be. “Wings?” I ask softly. “So it was angels then?” He nods, watching me cautiously. This seems at odds with the red flames in the background, until I realize that they probably weren’t literal flames, just the way he felt in that moment. All of the people seem to have a hand on him somehow, holding various instruments that I don’t even want to try to identify. “This is what you were slipping into earlier? And your nightmare?” I murmur. He nods again. I steel myself for a moment before looking back at Cas in the middle. How a drawing could look so frightened is beyond me, but the sheer terror on his face makes me feel sick. “Christ, Cas, I’m so…I don’t…” Suddenly my emotional distress turns into physical nausea, and I carefully hand it back to him. “Just…give me one second, okay? I’ll be right back. Just have to…the bathroom…”

He frowns, puzzled as I bolt from the couch, just managing to close the door behind me before I start dry heaving over the toilet, his imaginary, terrified screams ringing in my head. I have to take several deep breaths before my stomach settles and my imagination stops giving life to the drawing, reminding myself that he’s safe. When the shaky feeling passes I carefully stand, washing my face and the back of my neck. I must be gone longer than I think, because there’s a timid knock at the door before a quiet, low “Dean?”

I freeze, taking a breath before opening the door. Cas takes a step back from it. “What did you say?” I ask.

“D-Dean?” he repeats cautiously, almost a whisper. “Are you…okay?”

I sigh in relief, hugging him tightly, feeling him tense, then relax. “You have no idea how good it is to hear your voice again, man,” I murmur. “Yeah, I’m okay. Must’ve just eaten something bad or something.” He gives me a look like he doesn’t quite believe me, but seems to relax a little. “Sorry about that. Let’s go back.” he nods, cautiously picking up the pad again when we sit down. “Something else you want to show me?” He bites his lip again, nodding and flipping to the second page before turning it around. This one looks like the view from inside the cage; I can see the edge of the mattress at the bottom corner. The bars, chains, and everything else in the picture are red except for the person standing in the middle. “Is…that me?” He nods again. “Why am I blue?”

He shuffles around, finding the smaller pad and scribbling on it. _Safe_ , he writes.

I look up at him, surprised, and he gives a small smile. I smile back, nodding. “Thank you. That means a lot to me. I’m glad you feel that way.” He smiles back, handing me the pad and making a flipping motion. I look through the other drawings, one of us inside the Impala, one from the bathtub, and one of me sleeping earlier. Each one gets progressively less red until the last one, which is totally blue, his fear finally fading. “I think I understand. Thank you for showing me.” He nods, flipping back to the one from the bathtub. “You like that one?”

He nods again, pointing to my face. _You smiled_.

“Well I was happy. You weren’t so afraid of me then.” I sigh, flipping through them all again. “I promise you, Cas, we’re gonna find these bastards, every last one, and they’re going to pay for what they did.”

He smiles. _I know._

“Good. Come on, let’s rewind the movie. Maybe we can actually watch it this time.”

* * *

 

Cas puts in a good effort, but he falls asleep somewhere around halfway through the movie, pressed as close as possible. I chuckle, watching him sleep peacefully and running my fingers lightly through his hair. His precarious position traps me on the couch, which I don’t mind so much except when Sam wanders out of the library. He gives one look at Cas curled up practically in my lap and snorts. “Don’t even start,” I mutter under my breath, glaring at him.

He holds his hands up in defense. “I didn’t say anything. I’ve always known you had a soft spot for the little guy. That’s…sweet.”

“You are never going to mention this ever again, understood?”

He chuckles. “Dean, what’s the big deal? It’s cute. Don’t be a jerk about it.”

“Well if you’re not an ass about it I won’t have to be,” I spit back, sighing when Cas stirs, lightly rubbing his back until he settles again.

Sam just rolls his eyes, finding a snack and retreating back into the library. “Whatever you say. Jerk.”

“Bitch,” I hiss at his back. Cas sighs softly, nuzzling into my chest. “Don’t listen to him, Cas,” I murmur, holding him closer. “He’s just jealous.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aww, they're adorable. Remember to drop me a line! Your reviews make me so happy :D
> 
> Love,  
> TheSongSmith


	4. Refuge

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lots and lots of plot and feelings awaits! Onward!

“Are you sure you want me to help?” I ask again. “I don’t have to.” Cas just nods. “Alright then. Give me a minute, okay? I’ll be right there.” He disappears into the bathroom, and I sit down on the edge of the bed, covering my face and taking a deep breath. Having Cas permanently attached to my side and sleeping in my bed is not at all helping the weird feeling I get in my chest when I look at him, but I don’t have the heart to ask him not to. Sam’s incessant teasing doesn’t help either, and I’m starting to wonder if he’s right; if maybe I do care about him a little more than a friend should. Maybe. A little. I glare down at my half-hard cock, which is apparently set on destroying my life. Okay, so my reaction when Cas asked me to help him with his bath probably means I shouldn’t be wondering. How am I supposed to say no when he asked in that quiet voice he uses when he thinks he’s asking for more than he deserves? I can’t reject him like that. _It’s not like that,_ I remind myself. _He doesn’t realize what he’s doing. Just keep it together._ I take a deep breath, steeling myself before walking into the bathroom. It does nothing against the slight smile Cas gives me from the tub. “Ready?” He gives a slight nod, his eyes closing as he relaxes against the back of the tub. His head tips back when I rub gently along his collarbone, making a soft sound that goes straight to my cock. Thankful that his eyes are closed, I shift uncomfortably, cleaning gently around his still-healing throat. He groans softly, and I grip the edge of the tub. _Wrong wrong wrong,_ I remind myself. Cas is my friend. I just have to breathe. Yeah, that’s a good plan. Breathe. “Sit up for a minute,” I murmur. I watch the muscles in his shoulders ripple, and suddenly I forget about the cloth, running my palms over the smooth plains of his back, rubbing lightly over the pink scars. Without thinking, I press into the tight muscles of his neck, and the low moan he lets out has me biting my tongue hard enough to taste blood. I can’t bring myself to stop, because apparently I’m a masochist, so I continue to massage down his spine, drawing sounds that should be criminal from his lips. At least one of us is enjoying ourselves. The voice in my head snorts at that. _You know you’re enjoying yourself too._ When he sits back again, I get I a quick view over his shoulder, and I’m shocked to see his cock half-hard and twitching against his belly. _No. This is not what you think_ , I remind myself again. _Cas has a human body. It’s just reacting to being touched by another human body. That’s all._ Still, I can’t tear my eyes away from it while I lather shampoo into his hair. “You wanna wash your front while I do this?” I ask, perhaps a little more gruffly than intended. Cas doesn’t seem to notice, humming softly. “Cas? You should wash yourself…” There’s no answer as I rinse shampoo from his head, and I consider just leaving him be, but with my luck he’ll get an infection of some sort and then he’ll have to show it to me, and I don’t think I could handle that. I grumble to myself, picking up the cloth again and cautiously rubbing it at his knee, surprised when they bend and fall to the side to give me more room. Thank God for whoever made this bathtub so wide. Swallowing and trying very hard to keep my mind blank, I slowly clean up the insides of his thighs before taking a deep breath and making a quick pass over his shaft. We both shudder together, and I drop the cloth quickly, turning away to get his towel. “Okay,” I murmur, my voice rough, “You’re done.” As if he has no idea what happened, Cas just smiles up at me gratefully, wrapping himself up in the towel. “Think you can get changed on your own? I’m gonna take a shower, okay?” He nods, disappearing into the bedroom, and I lock the door quickly, taking a few deep breaths as the tub empties. I start the shower, sighing as I step under the spray. A shower, that’s all I need. A shower where I can relax and think about… _reaching down over Cas’ shoulder to stroke him under the hot water…holding him firmly against the back of the tub with an arm across his chest as he squirms…begging…_

No! Absolutely not! That’s not what I need to think about. _He trusts you_ , the voice in my head admonishes. _You can’t do this to him. Besides, we all know you could never deserve him_. The thought stings more than I knew was possible, because that’s what this is really about, if I’m being honest with myself. Cas is good and kind and loyal and beautiful, and if I wrote up a list of all the things I don’t deserve, it would be that. No, I need to think about the girls from the vintage porn mags we found in the library. I sigh, starting to stroke myself slowly, but each and every one of them turns into Cas. I growl in frustration. Okay, new plan. Yeah. Having him around all the time has messed up my brain. I just need to get it out of my system, that’s all. Is there any harm in imagining, just once, just for a moment his flushed face, blue eyes blown wide with desire? _On the hood of my car…On his knees in the shower, his pink lips wrapped around me…The feeling of being inside him, hot and tight while he begs shamelessly…The way his jaw might slacken, the hum of his muscles as he’s pushed over the edge…_

I cum suddenly, without warning, nearly stumbling to my knees with the force of it, Cas’ name tumbling from my mouth. When I manage to catch my breath again, I sigh. That’s it. Got it all out of my system. Now I can finally focus on normal things.

That thought flies out the window when I walk into the bedroom to find Cas sprawled on the bed, wearing one of my old AC/DC t-shirts. He grins sleepily, waiting until I lie down before pressing up against my side, nuzzling into my chest affectionately. I smile, ruffling his hair. Oh yeah. Definitely not out of my system. Not even a little.

 

* * *

 

 

With most of his wounds almost healed, Cas has made a lot of progress. Though still stiff, he seems to be doing much better physically. He still has nightmares and occasionally has a hard time separating them from reality, but the drawing seems to help, and sometimes he shows them to me. He’s started talking out loud a little more often, and has been far less jumpy. But when I wake in the middle of the night cold I know something is wrong. Cas is possibly the most insistent sleep cuddler I’ve ever known, so if I’m cold he’s not here. I frown, getting up and searching the bunker for him, finding nothing. When I double back to my room to see if he came back, I notice a pile of ripped up pieces of paper on the floor. Putting it together, I realize that it’s one of Cas’ nightmare drawings, and after a staring at it for a minute I reel back in shock, seeing myself as one of his torturers. Suddenly, every time he’s spontaneously flinched away from me makes perfect sense. It isn’t too hard to piece together what happened, and I curse as I grab my coat, shoving my shoes on and running out the front door, wondering how far a delusional, panicking, human angel on foot could get. I thank whoever might be listening that there’s snow on the ground for him to leave footprints in, following his trail into the woods outside the bunker. I listen closely, relieved to hear short, gasped breaths that tell me he isn’t far. I approach cautiously, watching his frame tremble where it’s curled in the snow.

“Cas?” He whimpers, startled, and scrambles back a few feet, looking up with wide, terrified eyes. The sound breaks my heart. “Woah, hey, okay,” I murmur, stopping a few feet away and holding my hands up. “I’m not coming any closer. I just need you to listen, okay? Just…don’t run.” He swallows, panting, and watches me cautiously, every muscle strung tight in case he has to bolt. He looks so much like the day we found him that it hurts. “I understand why you’re scared of me,” I say softly. “I found your drawing. They convinced you that I was the one doing those terrible things to you, didn’t they? Drugged you or used their angel mojo or something so you’d see me hurting you. And you knew somewhere that it wasn’t true, but they made you see it over and over again, and you weren’t so sure anymore. I’m guessing you had a nightmare about what you saw, and when you woke up next to me you thought you were still there and that I was going to hurt you. I know it’s hard to make sense of those thoughts sometimes.” He swallows so loudly I can hear it even with the distance, and there’s no give in his defensive posture. It hurts; a kind of desperate pain that throbs under my ribs, because he’s still trapped somewhere between his nightmares and reality, and I don’t know how to bring him back. My own breaths start to mimic his frantic ones, and I start to ramble, my words growing faster and more panicky the longer I go, because I have to do something, anything to make him understand. “Cas, you know the real me would never do those things to you. The real Dean would rather die than hurt you. I’m the one that got you out of that place, that gave you a bath and held you when you had nightmares and told you about the Legos to help you hold on to reality. Sam would make fun of me if he ever found out, but sometimes when you fall asleep I sing to you. You like to wear my old t-shirts, because you say they’re like home. I watch that old Batman movie with you all the time even though it’s a shitty movie because it makes you laugh and I like it when you do that. Just thinking about what those monsters did to you makes me sick, and when you showed me that drawing for the first time I was so upset I almost puked. I could never, ever hurt you like that…I just…I love you, Cas. Goddammit, I love you, and I’m terrified to admit that because I don’t deserve to love you and I’m a horrible person and I’m terrible at this, but I need you to believe me. Please.”

I have to clench my jaw to stop the word vomit from continuing, cursing myself for revealing so much more than I intended and holding my breath as I watch his expression change from fear to confusion to shock. “D-Dean?” he whispers finally.

Suddenly I have a sobbing angel in my arms, shivering as he holds onto me tightly, his fists clenched in my jacket as he cries into my neck. “Shh, shh, it’s okay, I’ve got you,” I murmur, rubbing gentle circles on his back as I try to calm my racing heartbeat and soothe his desperate sobs. “You’re okay baby. Not going anywhere. Not gonna hurt you. Deep breaths. Nice and easy. I’m here.”

“I’m s-sorry,” he stutters, his voice muffled by my skin. “I’m so sorry…”

“Shh, hey, it’s not your fault,” I assure him, trying not to let him hear me sniffling at the relief coursing through my veins. “It’s okay. It’s all okay now.”

We stay like that for what could be five minutes or five hours, him trembling and bawling, and me trying to remember how to breathe, clutching at him like my life depends on it, which, to be fair, feels like it might be true, depending on what the clenching in my chest at the thought of letting go might indicate. After an eternity he finally looks up, his wide eyes still wet with tears. “Did you mean it?” he whispers.

I pause, gently wiping his cheeks as I struggle to get words out. “I…Cas you don’t have to…” I start.

He shakes his head, interrupting me. “Did you mean it?” he asks again.

I swallow nervously, nodding. “I…yes. I love you, Cas. I love you so much it hurts, and I don’t know if I want you to say something or not say anything because it terrifies me either way and I can’t breathe just thinking about it. I don’t deserve to…”

That’s all the rambling I get out before he presses his hand over my mouth, using his free arm to pull me tight against his chest. “You are so much more than you know, Righteous Man,” he whispers. I try to slow down my pulse when his hand slips away, convinced my heart is about to beat out of my chest. “But most of all, you are worthy. Don’t ever believe anything else.” He stares at me for a long moment, and then his lips are on mine, hesitantly at first, but then more forceful when I don’t pull away. Something in my chest collapses, and I find myself pulling him against me, one hand at the back of his neck, unwilling to let go of this one, perfect, terrifying moment. When he finally pulls away, he smiles, reaching up to cup my cheek lightly. “Dean, are you…crying?”

“No!” I sniff, quickly wiping my face on my sleeve.

He chuckles, kissing along my jaw softly. “You are worthy,” he whispers again.

“Dammit…Cas…please don’t…” I plead, taking a shaky breath, just barely holding on to my composure.

He just shushes me gently, continuing his task, whispering the words into the skin at my neck, my shoulder, the hollow at the base of my throat until I’m sobbing for real, clutching him to my chest like he’s the only thing keeping me from shattering into a million pieces. _You are worthy, you are worthy, you are worthy,_ over and over againuntil the phrase vibrates through my veins. And then, quietly, “I love you too,” murmured directly above my heart, so I won’t forget, and then I do shatter, but it’s okay, because he’s not letting go, and maybe being broken isn’t so bad if you have someone to pick up the pieces with.

When he looks up I realize he’s crying again, and I try to laugh, but it comes out like a strangled sob as I wipe his face gently. He gives a violent shiver, having left in a panic and thus without a coat, and I smile, shrugging my jacket off and draping it over his shoulders. “Come on, let’s go home before you freeze to death.” He sticks close to my side on the way back, pausing just inside the bunker to look at me. “What?” I ask. He smiles, shaking his head and pulling me towards the bathroom. “Cas? What are you doing?”

Instead of answering, he pulls at the collar of my shirt until I lean down enough for him to kiss me. “My turn,” he says softly. He turns and pulls at my hand until I follow him into the bathroom, eyebrows furrowed in concentration as he fiddles with the faucet. I chuckle, getting the idea and leaning past him to help. When he’s satisfied with the water filling the tub he straightens up, pulling his own damp clothes off before tugging at my t-shirt impatiently.

For some reason, panic settles low in my belly as I realize what he wants. “Cas, I…” I start, taking a step back.

He shakes his head, leaning up to kiss me again. “Trust me, Dean. Please?” The Goddamn puppy eyes have me nodding before I realize what I’m agreeing to, and he smiles, watching me as I drop my shirt next to his. His fingers slip to my waist, looking up questioningly. I take a deep breath before nodding again, stepping out of my sleep pants when he shoves them down. Grinning, he turns away, climbing into the tub and facing the opposite wall. “I’m not looking,” he adds after a minute.

I can’t help but laugh, reminded of the day we found him, folding and refolding a towel until he got into the tub. The knot in my stomach relaxes, and I push my boxers to the floor before stepping in behind him. The hot water chases out the chill that’s settled in my bones, and I sigh, reaching out to wrap my arms around him and pull him back into my lap. He grins at me over his shoulder, his back pressed to my chest, and the dull ache under my ribs starts to ease a little as we sink further under the water. I wrap my arms tighter around his chest, and he sighs happily. “You were right,” I murmur after a minute, kissing his temple softly. “This is better. Sorry for being stupid.”

He shakes his head. “You’re not stupid, Dean. Just scared. But that’s okay. One step at a time, right?”

I nod, planting soft kisses along his shoulder as my muscles slowly relax. “I might have accidentally jacked off to thoughts like this," I mumble into his neck.

He chuckles. “I know. You weren’t particularly quiet.”

“Why didn’t you say anything?”

He raises an eyebrow at me. “Would you have discussed it if I’d brought it up?”

“Well…no, but…” I sigh. “Are you sure you’re okay with this, Cas? We don’t have to change things.”

“I don’t think I’m the one you really have to ask that question, Dean,” he answers. I scowl at him, but he just smiles, resting his head back against my shoulder, letting me wrestle with that thought on my own. Until, at least, he turns his head to plant soft kisses along my neck, and I get distracted. I don’t know how he does it, but he somehow coaxes my entire body into relaxing at once. My head tips back against the edge of the tub, and he shifts, taking advantage of the moment to kiss and lick at my exposed throat. A surprised gasp escapes me at how nice it feels, and I can feel his low chuckle. One of his hands finds its way into my hair, holding my head back while his soft kisses turn to bites, and I moan before I can stop myself. I feel the hot blush that creeps into my cheeks, but he just hums in response, continuing his methodical marking of my throat, sucking and biting at the skin until I relax again. “Not so bad, is it?” he asks teasingly.

I shake my head, swallowing hard, and I feel him smile against my skin, sucking lightly at my Adam’s apple. “Cas,” I manage, “You don’t have to…”

“I know,” he murmurs back. “I want to. You always take care of me. Please let me make you feel good for a change.”

I manage to open my eyes long enough to stare into his, watching me earnestly. “W-Well…if you want to, I guess…”

He smiles, kissing me softly again. “You’re so beautiful.” I shake my head again, and he smiles. “You’ll see one day,” he chuckles, one hand cupping my jaw as he kisses me again, the other trailing lightly over my chest. The touch is tender, careful. I know he’s feeling for signs of hesitation, but I can’t seem to remember why I was so afraid, because for the first time in forever nothing hurts.

When he pulls away I look up at him for a minute. “Cas? Can I try something?” He nods, following obediently when I take him by the shoulders and turn him around, laying him back against my chest. I shift him gently until his legs fall outside of mine. “Stop me if you don’t like it, okay?” He nods, letting me tilt his head to the side to plant soft kisses along his neck and shoulder as my other hand lightly explores his chest. He sighs softly as I thumb over one nipple, and I take a deep breath as a thought occurs to me. “Have you ever touched yourself, Cas?”

I feel his breath stutter. “N-No…”

I lightly rake my fingernails up the inside of his thigh, and he shivers, his knees falling wider. Turning his head to kiss him softly, I slowly wrap my hand around his length, close to the base. He gasps into the kiss, his teeth catching on my bottom lip. “Okay?” I ask. He swallows, nodding and watching my hand with wide eyes as I give a slow stroke. He throws his head back, whimpering, and I chuckle, wrapping an arm around his chest to anchor him firmly in my lap as I slowly move faster. “Easy, Cas…”

“Dean…” he whispers, almost reverent. “Is this w-what you were th-thinking about i-in the shower?”

I chuckle softly, biting at his neck. “Among other things. I also imagined how you might look…the real thing is much better.” He gives a low whimper as I run my thumb over the head, gathering the precome there as he shudders. “You’re beautiful,” I murmur, suddenly wondering at all the ways I could take my angel apart.

He’s panting faster now, and I can feel his stomach start to clench as he gets closer. “Dean!” he cries, his voice absolutely wrecked as he jolts against my hold.

“Shh, I know baby,” I murmur, continuing to tease the sensitive skin of his neck with my lips and teeth as I stroke. “Just let it come. I’ve got you.” He goes still, holding his breath for a moment before he shouts, cumming over my hand and into the water. I gently ease him through it, stroking him slowly until he’s finished, then hugging him close as he trembles.

“Dean…” he whispers in between gasps.

I chuckle softly, running a hand through his disheveled hair. “I gotcha. Deep breaths.”

When he catches his breath he looks up at me, grinning. “We should do that more often.”

“I’m planning on it baby,” I chuckle. “Believe me, it gets a lot better from here.” He gives a half-hearted moan at that. “Come on, let’s get you up. It’s too early to be out of bed.” Once settled back under the covers, Cas shifts over until he can lay on my chest, his head tucked under my chin. “Hey Cas?” I murmur.

“Hmm?”

“Are you sure this is okay? I don’t want to hurt you. I know you still have some issues with your memories…”

He smiles, shrugging. “I’ll be okay. This helps. I feel safe with you.”

I nod, kissing the top of his head. “Okay. Just promise me you’ll tell me if you start to freak out, alright?”

He nods back. “Promise. Goodnight Dean.”

“Night Cas.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't help it, I love me some sexytimes. Remember to review!
> 
> Love,  
> TheSongSmith


	5. Learning Curve

In the morning, I wake up to light touches stroking over my skin, a comfortable weight on either side of my hips. I shiver, sighing softly and hearing Cas’ low chuckle. “Good morning, Dean.”

“Cas?” I murmur, sighing as he strokes slowly along my side. “Whatcha doing?”

He shrugs. “Just exploring. Sleep well?”

I hum in response, groaning softly as he plants soft kisses down my chest, reaching out blindly to rub across his shoulders. When I open my eyes he grins at me before ducking down, holding my gaze as he flicks his tongue over my nipple. I gasp, threading my fingers into his hair as pleasure sparks across my hazy brain. “Cas…” I whine.

He chuckles, pressing hot, open-mouthed kisses over my skin. “Yes, Dean?”

“What…why…” An undignified wail escapes me as his lips close around it, teasing it with his tongue before biting down gently. I arch up into him, my fingers tightening in his hair. “Jesus…Cas…”

He raises an eyebrow at me, looking innocent as ever, as if he’s not doing incredibly sexy things with his mouth right now. “Practice makes perfect, Dean,” he says calmly. “And I’m not sure the Son of God has much to do with this.”

He gives the same treatment on the other side. “Fucking tease,” I growl out.

He laughs, teeth digging into my hip as he threads his fingers through mine, pinning my hands over my head. “Who said I’m teasing?”

 _Little fucker_ I think, and then he grinds his hips down and I stop thinking altogether for a minute. “Cas!” I gasp out.

He glances up, as if realizing I’m here for the first time. “I’d like to try something Dean,” he says casually.

I try to laugh, but it comes out slightly hysterical. “I can see that.”

“Does that mean I have your permission?” he asks, low and gravelly as he sucks at the spot behind my ear.

A small part of my brain starts telling me I shouldn’t do this, but it’s quickly drowned out by the sudden heat that rushes through me as he bites down hard on my neck. Dignity be damned. “Yes…fuck yes…please!”

He chuckles softly. “I had a feeling you’d be agreeable.” I can’t do much but moan in response, and he shifts to hold both my wrists in one hand while he continues his torturously slow exploration, grinding his hips against mine occasionally.

“Cas, where did you… _ahh_ …Where’d you learn to do this?” I ask

He grins, almost predatory. “Sex has been around since the beginning of time, Dean. The fact that I’ve never participated does not mean I’m unaware. Besides, there’s quite a large amount of information online. I borrowed Sam’s computer.” I keep my hands clenched over my head when he releases them to slide lower, laughing at the thought of what Sam’s browser history might look like. He tugs at my waistband, waiting for my nod before slowly pulling my boxers down. He coaxes my knees apart, kneeling between them and kissing my hips softly before slowly running his tongue up my shaft. I moan, my knees bending and falling to the side to give him more room. “Okay?” he asks softly.

I swallow, nodding. “Okay.” He reaches out, stroking me slowly before wrapping his lips around the head. I groan, gasping as he moans around me. “Cas…baby…”

He gives a hard pull as he comes up, smirking at me when I whine at the loss. “Yes Dean?”

“You know you don’t…have to do this. I never expected…”

He growls, kissing me hard to stop me from talking. “Don’t even start with me, Winchester. Does it look like you’re forcing me into anything I don’t want to do?” I smile a little, shaking my head. “Okay. Then shut up and enjoy it, will you?”

I laugh at the sudden force behind his words, nodding and threading my fingers through his hair. “Alright, I promise.”

He nods, wrapping his lips around me again and slowly sinking lower, and my hand tightens in his hair as I moan softly. He groans back, his eyes closing as he moves. The very idea that this is real heightens my arousal, and I can’t seem to look away from the sight in front of me. His tongue teases just under the head, and a whimper escapes me. “Baby…close…” He pulls up slowly, stroking me hard and fast with his hand while his teeth tease at my thigh until I lose it, exploding over his hand and my stomach. I pant hard for a moment, feeling his fingers lightly massaging my thighs. When I open my eyes he’s looking up at me, licking the mess from my stomach. “Fuck…Cas…” I whine. He chuckles, kissing his way back up my chest.

“You really are beautiful Dean,” he murmurs, softly. “Especially when you relax for a minute.”

I sigh softly, biting my tongue and kissing him softly. “I know you think so.”

He smiles softly. “I have always thought so.” He grins. “Not a terrible way to wake up, is it?”

I laugh, pulling him against my chest. “Best way I’ve ever been woken up.” I sigh, kissing the top of his head softly as I catch my breath. “Hey Cas? I love you.”

He chuckles softly. “I know, Dean. Come on, let’s go get breakfast.” I pause to find my clothes and wash up, and he takes my hand, pulling me out of bed to the kitchen, where Sam is standing at the stove cooking.

Sam turns to say good morning, but frowns, puzzled as he glances down at my throat. I frown back for a moment before remembering Cas’ teeth marking me last night. “What happened to your neck?” he asks. I glance at Cas nervously, trying to find words to answer him, but his eyes travel down to our hands, still locked, and he starts laughing. “About damn time. If I had to watch you eyefuck one more time, I swear…Though, I never pictured you as the bottom, Dean.”

I growl at him, wrapping an arm possessively around Cas, who’s trying desperately not to laugh. “Shut up, Sammy. Like you don’t moan Gabriel’s name in the shower all the time. We all know you’re just begging to take it up the ass!”

Sam goes white as a sheet, shocked for a moment before he makes a strangled, indignant sound, stomping off down the hallway. “That wasn’t very nice, Dean,” Cas admonishes. “You don’t like it when he teases you. Not to mention the fact that there’s nothing embarrassing about desiring anal intercourse…”

I shout in protest, clapping my hands over my ears. “Cas! No. You gotta warn me before you do that, man. Never use that word ever again.”

He tilts his head to the side. “Which word, Dean?”

“Either. Both. Just…ugh. No.”

He frowns as if this troubles him. “Perhaps your anger has nothing to do with Sam at all.”

“What is that supposed to mean?” I snap.

“It means you need to stop hating yourself!” he snarls back.

The sudden anger in his voice shocks me out of my defensive posture a little. “Cas, I…Look, it’s not…it’s just hard for me, okay?”

He nods. “I understand that Dean. You were taught some twisted lessons as a child. But I hate seeing you put yourself down this way. Continuing to repeat those thoughts only reinforces them.” He sighs. “I’m an angel, Dean, or at least I was. If I don’t believe it’s wrong, why do you?”

I sigh, resting my head against the counter. “I don’t…I don’t know, Cas. It just…it scares me, alright? It goes against every instinct I have.”

“And that’s why you deflect onto Sam and continue to reject intimacy. But for years you’ve tried to lose your nightmares in taking pleasure from random women,” he points out. “Why is it any different with me? Why is it okay for them to give you pleasure but it’s wrong for me to do the same thing?” I feel the blood rush to my face as I try to come up with a coherent answer. He watches me for a moment before his eyes widen. “Because…you wouldn’t be in control?” he guesses, answering his own question. “That’s what makes you so upset. You’d have to be vulnerable. Dean, do you want to experience…that?”

“Of course I do,” I groan. “Cas, I love you. And I trust you. I would love to be able to give that to you. But when I really think about it, I just…I panic and lash out. It’s not because I don’t trust you. It just…it gets all mixed up in my head, and I can’t stop it.”

His expression softens a little. “Dean, if you weren’t supposed to enjoy it, it wouldn’t feel good. I understand that it scares you, but that’s something you need to get past if you want to be happy. I can help you. And I know you don’t like it, but I can’t help if you won’t talk to me. There is nothing wrong with you for wanting intimacy.”

I nod slowly, looking up at him. “Alright. I’ll try, okay?” He nods, satisfied. “Give me a minute,” I sigh. “I should apologize to my brother.” He smiles, and I walk down the hall to Sam’s room, knocking softly. He doesn’t answer, and I sigh. “Sammy, I’m sorry. Let me in.”

Still nothing, but when I try the handle it turns. I open the door cautiously, and Sam glares at me. “What?”

“Look, I’m here to say I’m sorry, okay? That was a shitty thing to say. I just panicked. Cas says I’m deflecting. So, I’m sorry.”

He looks at me for a minute before sighing. “I shouldn’t have said what I said either. I was being an ass. It doesn’t matter to me who you’re with, as long as you’re happy, and I know Cas makes you happy.” He smiles slightly. “I guess I was just mad that you hit kinda close to home on that one.”

“So, Gabriel huh?” I ask. “Does he know?”

He shrugs. “I dunno. Probably not.”

“Sammy!”

He gives me one of his signature bitchfaces, number twenty five. A classic. “Because you’re the king of sharing your feelings, Dean?”

I laugh at that. “I’m workin’ on it, okay? Just think about it.”

He frowns. “You don’t even like Gabriel.”

“Well he did kill me an awful lot of times,” I point out. “But…I might have knocked this happiness thing a little early. I haven’t felt this good since I was five. If he makes you happy like Cas makes me happy, then I think you should go for it.”

He nods. “Are we having a nice conversation about our feelings?” he asks.

“Shut up, Sammy. Get your bitch ass outside so we can eat.”

When I go back outside, Cas smiles at me from the stove. “How did it go?”

“Fine. Food ready?” He nods, putting a plate down in front of me and kissing my cheek. “What’s that for?”

He shrugs. “Proud of you.”

 

* * *

 

With Sam out on a run and Cas holed up in the library, I take some time to clean things up and give Baby a tune-up before I get bored. I go to the library, finding Cas curled up in a chair. He doesn’t seem to notice me, so I sneak up behind him, wrapping my arms around his shoulders. He glances up, almost admonishing, and I laugh. “Why so serious, baby?” I chuckle, kissing the back of his neck softly. “It’s not my fault you’re looking like a sexy librarian.” His eyes flutter closed as I continue kissing along his shoulder.

“Dean…” he sighs. “What are you doing?”

I laugh. “Trying to seduce you. Is it not obvious?” I feel him take a deep breath before finding myself thrown up against the bookshelves, pinned under his weight as he kisses me hard. When he pulls away he looks up at me, his eyes darkening. “Looks like I’m not the only one feeling frisky,” I chuckle. He grins, shoving me back into the shelf again and glancing up as it wobbles menacingly. “Maybe we should go somewhere we’d be a little less likely to be crushed to death,” I suggest. He nods, practically dragging me down the hallway to my room and crashing his lips into mine again as we fall back on the bed. I grin, threading a hand through his hair. “Baby, we have time. Take it easy.”

He smiles sheepishly. “I can’t help it. I find you…arousing.”

I chuckle, kissing him softly and letting him pull my shirt off. “Well I’m glad to hear that.”

I tug his own shirt off, letting my fingers run over the smooth planes of his chest, leaning in to press soft kisses along his collarbone. He sighs softly, tracing his hand along my spine as we carefully explore each other. At some point we both lose the rest of our clothes, and his eyes widen as I push him back, kneeling between his legs and reaching out to slowly stroke him. “Dean, you don’t…” The sentence ends in a moan as I take a deep breath and swipe my tongue along his shaft. Huh, not as weird as I thought. I glance up at him for a minute, chuckling at the flush starting at the tips of his ears before wrapping my lips around him and sucking hard. He yelps, one hand tangling in my hair and tugging hard. Curious now, I experiment, remembering different actions done to me by a host of faceless women, seeing what kinds of new sounds I can pull from him and starting to enjoy myself. He pants hard, his grip in my hair tightening. “Dean…I can’t…”

I slowly pull away, laughing at his whine. He grins, shoving me back on the bed and watching me as he bites his lip for a moment. “Dean? Would you be willing to attempt to…work on your problem?”

I raise an eyebrow at him, confused for a moment before it dawns on me. “You mean…trying…”

He nods. “We don’t have to. I just figured, with Sam gone for a while…”

I swallow, taking a deep breath. “No, it’s okay. I…want to try. Just…you know what you’re doing, right?”

He smiles, kissing me softly. “I wouldn’t try if I thought I might hurt you, Dean. If you change your mind you don’t have to go through with this.”

I nod, kissing him again. “I’m okay.”

“If you’re sure.” I’m not, entirely, but I can’t seem to remember why the longer he continues, and I nearly lose it when he glances up at me innocently from between my knees, his lips wrapped tight around my shaft. “Cas…” I whine, squirming.

He chuckles. “What? I’m just being thorough.” He kisses and bites along the insides of my thighs, giving me a chance to breath for a moment before his mouth dips lower. A strange sound escapes me, somewhere between shock and pleasure, as his tongue lightly probes around the sensitive flesh.

I swallow hard, taking a deep breath and forcing myself to stop thinking. It helps, and as I focus on the pleasant feeling I find myself relaxing into the sensation, moaning softly. Cas grins, pleased, and continues his task for a few more minutes before slowly increasing the pressure. A low groan escapes me as the sensation changes. “God…Cas…”

“Not so bad?” he asks, pulling back a little.

A pathetic little whine escapes me. “Don’t stop!” He laughs, kissing my thigh softly before moving back up to tease my cock with his tongue. He sucks hard, taking all of me in, and I can’t seem to look away from the sight. He fumbles around for a moment, but I’m too distracted to realize what he’s doing until something cold circles the puckered flesh. I must flinch, because he stops, glancing up at me. “Okay?” he asks.

I swallow, reminding myself to relax. “Okay.”

His finger continues to circle as he takes me deeper, and I find my muscles releasing again. After a while his tongue teases that wonderful spot just below the head, and I moan loudly. Taking the opportunity, his finger pushes in just slightly, slipping in to the first knuckle. I gasp sharply, immediately clamping down on it. “Breathe, Dean,” he reminds me softly. “One step at a time. Do you want me to stop?”

I have to think about it for a moment before I shake my head, finding no logical reason for being so panicked. “No…just…give me a minute?” He smiles, nodding back and stroking me slowly as I adjust. “Where did you even get lube?” I ask curiously.

“Sam gave it to me,” he answers, as if this should be obvious. I groan, and he chuckles. “Don’t worry. He won’t mention it again.”

I have to laugh at the absurdity of the situation. “Okay,” I murmur after I’ve caught my breath. “I’m good.” He nods, and I feel his finger cautiously advance. He pauses when it’s fully in, glancing up at me curiously. “Not bad. Kinda weird.”

He grins, leaning up to kiss me softly as he starts a careful rhythm. Slowly, the weird feeling eases, and it starts to feel surprisingly good. A soft moan escapes me, and he smiles. His finger slides almost all the way out, then slides smoothly back in with two. I gasp at the stretch, but he pauses to let me adjust, and I remember to breathe this time. “How’s that?”

“Shockingly good,” I manage after a minute. “I mean, still weird, but…good.” He smiles, pleased, and starts moving again as I slowly relax, letting my eyes close as he takes me in his mouth again. His fingers shift , pressing up and moving over something that makes hot sparks of pleasure jolt through me. Cas groans as my hips buck up on their own, his fingers dragging over that spot again, chuckling at the string of curses that escapes me. “Cas…close…” I manage, trying to warn him. He just hums in response, sinking lower as he presses harder over the spot, and I shout as I cum hard down his throat.

When I catch my breath I slowly open my eyes to find him watching me cautiously. I grin, pulling him against me. “Okay?” he asks softly.

Instead of answering, I lean in, kissing him softly. “I love you.”

He smiles, settling himself on top of my chest. “Love you too. So it wasn’t bad?”

“Surprisingly, no. Once I stopped thinking about it so much, it was fine. I guess I…kinda liked it.”

I feel the heat rush to my face, but Cas just smiles and kisses me again. “I’m glad. There’s nothing wrong with that.”

“I know,” I sigh, hugging him closer. “I’m working on it.”

He nods, his head resting under my chin. “I know. Thank you for trusting me.” He sighs, his fingers stroking absently over a scar on my shoulder as he stares off into space.

“Everything okay?” I ask curiously.

He nods slowly, kissing over the scar gently. “You never asked me to tell you what happened,” he says after a minute.

“I wasn’t sure you wanted to talk about it. I’m just glad you’re talking again. I didn’t want to push you if you didn’t want to tell me.” He nods again, and I frown. “Do you want to tell me?”

“I don’t know,” he answers finally. “But I think I probably should.”

I nod, kissing the crown of his head softly. “Okay. Then let’s talk.”

“Things in heaven had been okay for a while,” he starts, “But there was an uprising. The rebels took control for a while and tried to recruit the other angels. They saw me as the strongest leader on the opposing side, even as a human, and they believed if they could reprogram me the others would follow. I managed to evade them for a while, but I knew they were catching up to me, so I called you. I just…if I disappeared forever I didn’t want you to wonder.” I frown, hugging him tighter. “Anyway, their early attempts were unsuccessful. Eventually they got…more creative. They used you as a means of breaking me. It didn’t work for a while, but then…it did.” He sits up a little. “I am sorry about that. I know you wouldn’t hurt me.”

“You don’t have to be sorry,” I assure him. “I understand.”

He nods. “Anyway, the rebellion fell apart soon after. They didn’t want to set me free, so they sent me to earth to be contained. That’s where you found me.” He pauses. “I apologize for the…you know…”

I sigh, sitting up to make him look at me. “How many times do I have to tell you to stop apologizing? You were scared and confused. I understand. It’s okay.” He smiles a little, nodding, and I glance down to the light scars striping his thighs. “Hey Cas?” I murmur, lightly stroking over the raised flesh and feeling him shiver. “Did…I do this?”

He considers it for a moment, anxious. “I thought so. As I said, they were quite…inventive, especially once they found out they could get to me through you.” He flushes, and I think I have an idea of what he means.

I think for a minute, then take him by the shoulders, gently pushing him back. He watches me cautiously, tensing as I slowly part his knees to expose the scars. I feel him lean back as I move forward, holding his breath. I glance up at him as I slowly lean down to kiss the marks gently. He lets out his breath, his eyes closing as I move to repeat it on the other side before stroking his cheek lightly. “I’m sorry, Cas. I know it wasn’t really me, but I’m still sorry that someone hurt you. And I know nothing I do could ever make up for that, but I’m going to do everything I can to make this right.”

Cas smiles, leaning closer to kiss me softly. “Thank you, Dean. I love you.”

“I love you too,” I murmur back. “So who’s ass am I kicking?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Woohoo for more sexytimes. I warned you! Review!
> 
> Love,  
> TheSongSmith


	6. Southern Comfort

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello my lovelies! I'm so sorry for the delay on this one, things have been crazy with the holidays and I'm currently in the jungles of Ecuador for two weeks helping native people build things and trying not to die. Really. Anyway, the internet here is pretty unreliable, but that just means I have lots of time to write new chapters when I'm not soaking wet and caked in mud, so here's an update for you, and chapter five has also been updated, because the ending somehow got cut off when I uploaded it. Enjoy!

I wake up feeling like an anvil is sitting on my chest, and I wake Cas up with a coughing fit. He frowns, blinking up at me. “Dean? Are you alright?”

I nod, kicking the blankets off and snuggling closer to him. “Yeah. Must’ve just caught something.”

He looks at me skeptically for a moment before reaching up and feeling my forehead. “You’re very warm. You must be sick.”

“I’ll be okay,” I manage, sniffling. “Don’t worry about me.”

He chuckles softly. “You say that as if it’s possible. You should go back to sleep. I’ll ask Sam about getting medicine for you.”

I groan, burying my face in the pillow. “Do you have to? I hate medicine.”

He rolls his eyes, kissing my forehead softly. “Rest, Dean.” I grumble about it, but don’t have the energy to move when he gets up. I must fall asleep again, because suddenly he’s sitting on the bed again, wiping at my forehead with a cold cloth. I manage a little moan, and he chuckles. “Morning. Are you hungry? You really should eat something before you take your medicine.”

“So you’re my nurse now?” I ask. He smiles, holding up a plate full of toast, and suddenly I’m starving. “So, does doctor Sam think I’ll make it?” I tease as I eat.

“Perhaps, if you’re a good patient,” he answers, examining the instructions on the pill bottle.

“Well we both know that’s not going to happen.”

He laughs. “Yes, I’m aware. You enjoy being difficult when it comes to taking care of yourself.”

“You know me so well,” I chuckle, finishing what’s on the plate.

When I finish he holds up a bottle of pills, shaking it once. I pout, and he just raises an eyebrow and holds it out. “Caaaaas…” I whine.

“That’s not going to work,” he says matter-of-factly. “Take your medicine.”

“Bossy,” I grumble, swallowing two of them before burying myself in blankets again. Cas just shakes his head, setting everything aside before cuddling up to me. “You’ll get sick if you stay around me,” I warn.

He shrugs. “I don’t mind.” I mean to protest more, but it’s comforting to have him here, so I snuggle closer to him before drifting off again. Whatever he gave me must have been good, because when I wake up again I can breathe a little easier. Cas has fallen asleep against my shoulder, and I kiss his forehead softly as he stirs. “Are you feeling any better?” he asks.

“Yeah, a lot better. Thanks.”

“Good. Then you’re in trouble,” he says seriously.

I frown. “What? I was asleep! What did I do now?”

“Lying by omission.”

I groan, burying my face in the pillow. “What did Sam tell you?”

“That you neglected to tell me about Christmas on purpose.”

He pouts, and it’s kind of adorable. I can’t help but chuckle. “Cas, baby, it wasn’t really on purpose. Look, I just don’t get excited for Christmas like other people. Besides, I thought you’d hate how commercial it is these days.”

He shrugs. “Well it doesn’t have to be. And it’s not going to be.”

I raise an eyebrow at him. “What does that mean? What did you do?”

Cas grins. “Just a little decorating. We’re a family, right?”

“Yeah, of course we are,” I assure him.

He nods. “Then we’re going to have a real Christmas; all of us.”

I frown at him. “Does that mean we have to go to church?”

Cas chuckles. “No, Dean. I promise you’ll enjoy it.”

“Why is this Christmas thing so important to you all of a sudden?” I ask. “You’ve never wanted to celebrate it before.”

He shrugs, blushing lightly. “I have a reason to celebrate this year.”

I smile, hugging him closer. “Okay. So what did you do?”

“I’ll show you once you’re feeling better,” he answers, smiling. “Speaking of which, I have to get you more medicine. I’ll be right back.” He slips out, and I notice Sam’s laptop on the nightstand. Remembering what Cas said about research, I open it, quickly searching through the history from a the last few days. It starts off innocently enough, but soon the questions get more specific and less vanilla. A few of them are honestly surprising, and very hot, and I don’t notice Cas come back until he clears his throat. “What are you doing?”

“Just looking at something,” I answer quickly. “Hey Cas? All that stuff you researched…are you really interested in all that stuff?”

He frowns, confused, and hands me the pills. “What do you mean?”

“Well, I mean, some of this stuff is…not so common. With people.”

He nods thoughtfully, as if this has never occurred to him before. “Like what?”

I glance down at the page in front of me. “I, uh…well, like…anal beads?” My voice cracks halfway through, and I cover it with a cough, hoping he doesn’t notice. _Calm down, Dean,_ I remind myself. This is just two adults having a conversation…about sex toys. _Fuck._

“Oh, I understand,” he says finally, shrugging. “I just picked some things that seemed pleasurable. The people in the videos certainly seemed to like them.”

I nearly spit out my drink at that. Bad time to take a sip of water. “Videos? Cas, did you watch _porn_?”

He thinks about it for a moment, nodding slowly. “I think so.”

I laugh, pulling him close. “Never change, Cas. I love you.”

He smiles at that, kissing my cheek softly. “Dean? You know, we don’t have to try things you’re uncomfortable with.”

I feel myself go red, stuttering through an answer. I mean to say that maybe we should take it slow, but what comes out is “No, I…I mean it’s…If you wanted to…we could try.” Wait, that wasn’t what I was trying to say. Shit. Okay, maybe this isn’t so bad. I’m certainly not going to be outdone when it comes to sex by a newly-devirginized angel. “Was there, um…anything else you were curious about?” He thinks for a moment, then takes the laptop from me, searching around for a minute before turning it back so I can see the video playing. It takes me a minute to realize that not only am I looking at porn, but it’s _kinky_ porn. I glance over at him, but he’s focused on the video, so I turn back to it. It’s not very long, but imagining Cas watching this, thinking about doing it, has me more excited than I want to admit. I shift uncomfortably as the video ends, hoping he doesn’t notice. “Well, that’s…certainly interesting…”

He takes the laptop back, looking down to cover a quick smile. “Is it fair to determine by your significant erection that you wouldn’t be opposed?”

Heat rushes to my face, and I shift again. “Well no, I just…I mean I wouldn’t…” I pause for a moment, thinking. “Wait, which one of us is supposed to get tied up?”

The little bastard actually _smirks_ at me, leaning in to kiss me softly. “Why don’t you go take a shower, Dean?” He says casually. “I’ve read it’s supposed to help congestion.”

Still a little shell-shocked, I nod dumbly. “I…yeah, okay.”

He smiles. “Good. I’m going to get changed.” I nod again, stumbling into a quick shower and cursing myself for being so flustered.

Cas hasn’t quite mastered the gradual falling asleep thing, so it doesn’t surprise me at all when I return to find that, at some point before he got new clothes on, he managed to pass out. In typical Cas fashion, he’s spread out to each corner of the bed like a stark-naked starfish. I chuckle, starting to pull the blankets up over him when he stirs. A soft moan escapes him, and it sounds an awful lot like my name. Pausing, I realize that he’s hard and probably in the middle of a sex dream. The blanket falls from my hand, and suddenly my curiosity gets the better of me. Carefully, I climb up to kneel between his knees, lightly ghosting my fingertips along his shaft and chuckling softly when he groans. I carefully wrap my fingers around him, stroking him lightly and slowly rolling his balls in my other hand. He whines, still fast asleep, but his hips thrust up into my hand, and a little bead of pre-come forms at the tip. I take a deep breath, leaning in to lick it off and stifling a groan at the taste. Feeling my own erection growing, I stroke myself slowly through my pajama bottoms as my lips wrap around him. He jolts awake, panting and confused, but moans loudly when I take him deeper. “Dean…” he breathes, gripping at my hair tightly.

“Hmmm?” I answer.

The only response is a whimper as his hips start thrusting in earnest, growing more erratic. I feel him tense, but don’t have a chance to react before he cries out my name, cumming hard. My first instinct is to panic, but after a couple of seconds I realize that it isn’t really bad at all, and I swallow around him, gently licking him clean. He watches me for a moment while he catches his breath. “What was that for?”

I grin, shrugging. “Wake-up call?” He chuckles, his eyes travelling to the bulge still obvious through the thin cotton. “That’s twice in the last half-hour you’ve gotten me hard. I think that means you owe me one.”

“You’re sick,” he answers.

“I am not!” I insist. “I’m fine!”

He chuckles, considering it for a moment. “Take a nap with me first. I promise I’ll make it worth your while.” I pout at him, but pull my pajamas off before curling up around him, hugging him close. He sighs softly, tilting his chin up to press his lips to mine. “I love you Dean.”

“Love you too.”

 

* * *

 

 

I wake up again in a panic, with Cas’ screams ringing in my ears. I hate that dream; hate watching myself hurt him and not being able to stop it. It takes me a minute to realize that there’s a gentle hand running through my hair as Cas shushes me softly, watching me worriedly in the dim lighting. “It’s okay Dean,” he murmurs, voice rough with sleep. “Just a dream.”

I sigh, hugging him tightly and burying my face against his neck. “I’m sorry, Cas. I’m so sorry.”

“For what?” he asks, frowning.

I shake my head. “It doesn’t matter. I’m just…I’m sorry.”

He pulls back to look at me for a moment. “Okay,” he says finally. “It’s okay. I forgive you.”

“You don’t even know what I’m apologizing for.”

He smiles. “It doesn’t matter. I still forgive you.”

I sigh, pulling him closer to kiss him softly. “I don’t deserve you.”

“Shhh, none of that,” he murmurs. “I’m here to stay. Just relax, Dean.” His fingers gently knead at my shoulders, and a soft groan escapes me as the muscles slowly release under his touch. “There you go. Why don’t you lie down for me?” I whine softly, and he smiles, reaching over to turn on the light. “It’s okay, you don’t have to go back to sleep. Just lie down. Let me help you relax.”

Reluctantly, I untangle myself from him, following his light prodding until I’m lying on my stomach. I feel his weight settle on either side of my hips as he slowly presses into the tight muscles of my back, gently coaxing them into submission. “Cas, you really don’t have to…”

“I’m aware,” he murmurs, digging in deeper and chuckling at my soft moan. “I like knowing that I’m making you feel good. You’re so beautiful.” I make a sound of protest, which he shushes. “You don’t have to believe me for it to be true.” He shifts to knead at my lower back, planting soft kisses down my spine as he moves. “Sometimes I can’t believe you’re really mine.”

“I know the feeling,” I mumble back, moaning again. “Why are you doing this?”

He shrugs. “Sam told me that you tend to have nightmares when you take that medicine. I figured it would happen sooner or later. And I thought this would be a good way to fix it. Is it working?”

“Fuck yes,” I chuckle. “God, that feels good. Where’d you learn to do that?”

I feel his grin against my skin. “The same place I learned to do lots of other things.” He nips at my left ass cheek before his tongue drags slowly up my spine, making me shudder. A gasp escapes me before I can help it, and he laughs. “I’m very multi-talented, it seems.”

“So I’ve noticed,” I mumble into the pillow. “You know, I’ve been with a lot of girls, but I’ve never met anyone like you.”

“What do you mean, anyone like me?”

I chuckle. “At the risk of inflating your ego, I mean I’ve never known anyone who can drive me crazy with one look. That shit you pulled earlier with the video? I’ve never met someone who can make me speechless so easily.”

He laughs, nudging my legs apart until he can sit between my thighs, massaging them lightly. “Me? What about you? I’m the one who woke up to a surprise blowjob.”

I feel myself blush, hiding my face in the pillow. “I couldn’t help it. It still makes me nervous, but I wanted to see what it might be like. I mean, I know I did it before, but that was kind of a heat-of-the-moment thing. I thought maybe if you weren’t looking at me while I did it, I could get used to it a little more.”

He makes a thoughtful noise, and his weight shifts higher as he nuzzles between my shoulder blades. “Talk to me. Why does it make you so nervous? It’s only natural.”

“I know,” I sigh. “I know that. It’s just…I guess I’m still getting used to the idea. You’re the only guy I’ve ever…wanted to with, and I guess I’m still a little uncomfortable with how much I want to try things with you. Plus, I’m afraid I’m going to do something really wrong and hurt you or something because I have no idea what I’m doing.”

Cas nods, kissing the back of my neck. “What if you did know what you were doing?” he asks. “Would that make you less nervous?”

I shrug. “Well, I mean, yeah, probably, but the only way to do that is…”

“To do it,” he finishes. “I know.”

I frown, glancing over my shoulder at him. “What are you proposing?”

“An experiment,” he answers. “What if you could just explore and try the things you’re curious about with no pressure to make anything happen? Like today, when I was asleep. You could take a couple of hours to get used to things and try what you want to without having to worry about me. And in return I could do the same to you, and you’d get a better sense of your own reactions.”

I consider it for a moment, pulling him down to kiss him softly. “You’re so smart sometimes. I guess, if you don’t mind, I mean, we could…Yeah, I think that might work.”

He smiles. “Good. See how easy it is when you talk to me?”

I chuckle, hugging him tightly. “I know, I know. I’m working on it.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please remember to review! I could really use some good vibes to get me through these two weeks in the middle of nowhere, so drop me a line!  
> Love,  
> TheSongSmith


	7. Exploration

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello my dear, sweet readers! As you may have guessed, I have survived the jungles and made it back home. To celebrate, I bring you this extra long chapter full of sexytimes. And, you know, a little bit of plot. But mostly sexytimes.

Sometime in the early morning I hear a thump from down the hall. I listen for a moment, but it’s quiet. Abandoning my book and cold coffee, I creep down the hall to check. Outside the bedroom door I pause, hearing harsh breaths from inside. When I open the door I don’t see anything but the crumpled sheets, the bed empty, but creeping around to the other side I find Cas on all fours, gasping for breath. He flinches as I kneel down beside him, looking up at me with wide eyes. “Cas? What’s happening? What’s wrong? Are you hurt?”

A whimper escapes him, and he shakes his head. “Nightmare…” he chokes out.

I nod, understanding what’s going on. “Alright baby, it’s gonna be okay,” I murmur, slowly reaching out to run a hand along his spine, a practiced movement. “Can you sit up for me?”

He whimpers again, looking at me desperately. “Won’t…stop…”

I shush him softly, gently rubbing at his chest. “Oh honey, it’ll stop, I promise. We’re going to fix it. Just sit up for me, okay? Nice and easy. I’ve got you.” I scoot closer and slowly guide him as he sits back on his heels, panting. He grabs onto me tightly, practically in my lap, and buries his face against my neck. I hold him securely against my chest, gently stroking through his hair. “Hey, it’s okay. I’m right here. I’m not going anywhere. You’re safe. It was only a dream. Just try to take one deep breath for me. Nice and slow.” He shudders hard, but after a minute he manages to take a breath, though a strangled one. “There you go. That wasn’t so hard, right?” Cas makes a small sound, readjusting his grip on me, and I kiss his temple softly as he manages an easier breath. “Right here baby. Take your time. I’m not gonna let anyone hurt you. Just breathe.” Slowly, his breaths even out, the tension in his muscles easing. I rub slow circles between his shoulders, murmuring softly as he relaxes into my arms. “Still with me baby?” I ask when he seems to have calmed. He nods slowly. “Good. Feeling better?”

He nods again, pulling back slightly to wipe at his face. “Sorry,” he mumbles. “Bad one this time.”

I frown, lifting his chin until he reluctantly looks at me, sniffling. I gently wipe the remaining wetness from his face before kissing him softly. “You know you don’t have to apologize.”

He shrugs, looking away. “I thought we were done with this part.”

“Cas, we’ve talked about this. Nightmares happen. It doesn’t mean anything is wrong with you. You haven’t had any in a while, and it’s been months since you’ve had a bad one. You’re doing so much better. It’s just something that takes time. It’s okay.”

He cracks a small smile, nodding and kissing my cheek softly. “Thanks for calming me down.”

“Anytime,” I chuckle. “Want to come out to the kitchen with me?” He nods, so I carefully pull him up, leading him down the hall. He sticks close, dropping into a chair and making a small, grateful sound when I set a cup of coffee in front of him. “Was it the usual dream?”

“Pretty much,” he answers tiredly, taking a sip from the cup. “But it stuck around for a minute after I woke up, and I guess I kind of panicked.”

“Well I can see why, given what you’ve told me about it.”

He nods, looking around at the piles of books scattered around the table and the cup of cold coffee in front of the open book, frowning. “Have you been up all night?” he asks disapprovingly.

“Not all night,” I mumble back. “Just most of it. I couldn’t sleep.”

“Why not?”

I shrug, smiling sheepishly. “Nightmares. You know how it is. I can’t even stop thinking when I’m asleep.”

He nods, reaching out for my hand. “What are you reading about?”

“Trying to find something that’ll help us find these bastards.”

He frowns for a moment. “What if we can’t?”

“Well will,” I insist. “They’re going to pay for what they did.”

He sighs softly, his thumb stroking over the back of my hand. “Where’s Sam?”

“Apparently, on some kind of mini-vacation with Gabriel. It seems they’ve decided to hash out whatever the hell is going on with them. So it’s just us for a while.” A slow smile slides across his face, his mood suddenly lifted. “What?” I ask.

He shakes his head, grinning. “Nothing. I think I’m going to wash up. What do you say to meeting me in the bedroom in an hour?”

I raise an eyebrow at him. “Sure, I guess, but…what are you up to?”

He leans in kissing me softly. “Nothing to worry about. See you in an hour.” He disappears down the hall, and I snort, shaking my head at him and going back to my coffee.

* * *

 

In an hour, I wander into the bedroom curiously. The shades have been drawn, so it takes a moment to find Cas, shirtless and barefoot, settled in a straight-backed wooden chair watching me. “Hey baby,” I murmur, trying to identify anything of interest in the dim lighting. “What’s going on?”

Cas rises smoothly from the chair, walking over and closing the door behind me. “An experiment,” he answers finally. “First, my turn. Then yours.”

He walks in a slow circle around me while I process this. “Your turn for what?”

He grins. “Anything I want.” He pauses, leaning up to kiss me softly. “Do you trust me Dean?”

Finally, it dawns on me where he’s going with this. Well, shit. If having kinky sex is going to make him feel better, who am I to say no? I take a deep breath, closing my eyes for a moment. “Yes Sir.”

He smiles, kissing me again. “Good boy,” he purrs. “Strip.” There’s an odd note in his voice that I’ve never heard there before, and I’m already rock-hard when I push my sweatpants to the floor. There’s something about gentle, mild-mannered Cas playing rough that I really want to see. He grins, giving me a completely unabashed once-over before nudging my ankles with his foot until I widen my stance. Walking around behind me, he takes each of my wrists, bringing them up and interlocking the fingers behind my head. “Stay still.” _Oh, fuck._ I take a couple of deep breaths to calm the fire running through my veins while he inspects me, desperate to see what he might do. He makes soft, thoughtful noises as he moves, occasionally reaching out to tail his fingers over my skin. He crosses back in front of me, smirking as he glances down at the little bead of precum forming. It takes every ounce of self-control I have to stay still while he gathers the drop on his finger and sticks it in his mouth, making a thoughtful sound.

“Is everything to your liking, Sir?” I hear myself say.

Cas chuckles softly, letting his fingers drift along my side. “Well you certainly are a pretty pet. Obedient too.” He pretends to consider it for another moment, pulling my head back so he can lick and suck at my throat. _Shit, that’s nice._ “Kneel,” he orders finally. There’s a strange relief that runs through me when I drop to my knees, a reassurance that he wants me that I didn’t realize I needed. His runs his fingers through my hair absently while he talks. “You need a safeword,” he murmurs, just for a minute the Cas I know who worries about hurting me before it slips away. The first word that comes to my mind is Impala, and he nods, satisfied. “Is there anything in particular you definitely don’t want to do?” I have to think for a minute. I trust Cas with everything, and there isn’t a thing I can think of that I wouldn’t let him do. I shake my head. “Okay. Today, you are mine. But if at any point you get scared or you don’t want to do something, all you have to do is say the word and I’ll stop. I promise. Understood?”

I smile up at him, pressing a soft kiss to the palm that falls to my cheek. “Yes Sir.”

He appraises me for another minute, then nods, turning away to look at various things he has set on the bed. I can’t really make out any of them, but he picks one up, inspecting it before walking closer. I make out the long handle and leather strap of a riding crop, and a little shiver runs through me as he taps it lightly on my thigh. “Wider.” I nod, adjusting my stance, and he smiles, lightly running the leather up and down the insides of my thighs. “Do you know why I’m doing this, Dean?” he asks quietly, trailing the crop lightly over my skin.

“Because you’re a kinky bastard, Sir?” I smirk, half-hoping he’ll punish me for mouthing off.

Instead, he laughs. “Perhaps. But mostly because I think you need to learn to let go. And that is what I’m going to try to teach you. Because if you never learn to relax, one day you’re going to go nuclear, and I’m not about to let that happen.” He strikes out halfway up my inner thigh, not hard, but enough to feel the sting. I jolt, more out of surprise than pain, and clamp down around a sound threatening to escape me. Cas frowns. “Relax, Dean. It’s only me here. Who are you trying to impress? You need to give yourself a longer leash. Or maybe I’ll have to give you one.” I nod, taking a breath. He strikes out again on the opposite side, and this time a little gasp escapes me. “Better,” he appraises, lightly tapping against my knees until I spread them again, obeying the silent command. “Though, if you can’t stay still, I have no qualms about tying you down.” My cock twitches at that, and I try to will it down, knowing he won’t let me get off that easy. He notices and smirks before lashing out again, harder. I grunt with the effort of keeping my position, but manage to fight the urge to bring my knees together, which seems to please him. He strokes through my hair lightly; a reward. “Good boy. You have nothing to hide from me.”

He squats down in front of me, waiting until I meet his gaze before reaching out, his hand wrapping around my shaft. He watches me curiously for a moment as I force myself to keep breathing evenly, watching the tip of the crop draw patterns over my skin. He starts a slow stroking, punctuated with sharp strikes from the crop, and the mixture is intoxicating. I finally understand what he’s trying to do, because my brain is too cloudy and confused to keep up the stoic mask, and before I know what I’m doing I’ve thrown my head back, keening loudly in rhythm with his motions. He kisses and bites at my exposed throat, his hand speeding up just slightly. “That’s it, Dean. Just let go.”

My usual mask falls farther out of my reach the longer he goes, but I can’t seem to care. It’s such a relief to let my feelings rise to the surface for once and I don’t want it to stop. Now I understand why this is so important to him. A whimper works its way up my throat, and I can’t even bring myself to be embarrassed. “Please Sir!”

He slows to a stop, watching me curiously. “Yes, Dean?”

I take a minute to catch my breath, swallowing as I look up into his patient gaze. “Permission to speak?” I murmur. He nods. “I understand your lesson. I want it too. But I…I think I need your help, to let go. Please.”

It comes out as almost a whisper, but I know he’s heard it. He smiles, nodding and leaning in to kiss me softly. “Of course, Dean. I want nothing more than to help you do that. All you have to do is trust me. I’m here.” He brushes my hair back lightly. “Shall we continue?”

I nod, leaning into his touch. “Please.” He stands, but I grab his wrist before he gets too far. “Sir?” My eyes flick down to the obvious bulge in his pants. “May I?”

He considers it for a moment before nodding, letting me drag his sweatpants down, watching as his hard cock springs free. Kinky bastard. I look at up him, waiting for a command, and he grins. “Well it’s not going to suck itself, is it pet?”

“No Sir,” I chuckle, “I don’t suppose it will.” I bite my lip for a moment before deciding that if I’m going to do this, I should do it right. I feel the heat rush to my face as I mumble “Please, may I suck your cock, Sir?”

I look down, but he reaches out, raising my chin again and kissing me softly. “You may.” I reach out, grasping him lightly and giving a few slow strokes with my hand before leaning closer, taking a deep breath and wrapping my lips around him. He gives a small groan, one of his hands resting at the back of my head, and the contact settles my nerves. I look up at him, watching his eyes darken as he watches me, and a little bit of satisfaction runs through me. Bolder, I get more into it, moaning filthily around him as I take him deeper, feeling his breath hitch. “Good boy…” I moan softly at the praise as his other hand joins the first in my hair, tugging hard when I swallow around him. “God, Dean…so fucking good…” he huffs out, panting heavily. I briefly wonder how he learned to talk like that before he pulls me away, running his fingers through my hair. “Well done, Dean,” he murmurs. “Come with me.” He holds me by the arm as I slowly rise from the floor, following him over to the bed. “Lie down, pet. On your front.” I nod, assuming my position and trying not to look back at what he’s doing. He strokes a hand absently over my calf as he rummages through a small pile on the bed. “Now, are you going to be good, or am I going to have to tie you to the headboard?” I whimper, and he chuckles. “Let’s give you a chance. They’ll be plenty of time to tie you up later. How do you feel, pet?”

“Good, Sir,” I murmur, groaning as his fingers press into the muscles of my back. “Really good.”

“Good. You certainly seem much more relaxed than when we started,” he remarks.

I nod, breathing deeply, and the words seem to fall out of my mouth like they’ve been there all along. “It’s easier, with you in charge. I feel…safe, like I don’t have to hide.”

He plants soft kisses between my shoulder blades as he works the muscles of my lower back. “I’m glad to hear you say that. I wasn’t sure how you’d react. Maybe this is something we can do more often, if it helps.”

I sigh softly as he moves lower. “I’d like that.”

“Me too. I don’t want you to hide. So, new rule. Outside of this, you can suppress all you want. I wish you wouldn’t, but I understand why you do. But whenever we do this, I want you to let go. Just…moan or scream or cry or whatever you feel like doing. Ask for what you want without being afraid. This is a safe space. Just don’t hide from me.”

I nod, reaching back to lightly brush his knee. “Okay. I think I can do that. Thank you.”

“For what?” he asks softly.

“For…giving me a longer leash.”

I hear his soft chuckle as his fingers dip lower, slicker now as they move cautiously over me. I can’t help the gasp that escapes me, and he pauses. “Still okay?”

I take a deep breath, nodding. “Yes Sir.”

“Good. Focus on breathing.” He continues massaging lightly for a while, and I moan into the pillow as one finger slips smoothly inside. He makes a thoughtful sound, letting it rest there for a moment. “You didn’t tense this time,” he remarks.

I nod. “I wasn’t afraid of it this time, Sir. I trust you.”

“Thank you,” he answers, pleased, and starts slowly moving it. “How does it feel?”

“Good, Sir,” I breathe, feeling my hips start to move up towards him. “Really good.” His free hand traces patterns up my spine, and a loud, unintelligible noise escapes me as he adds a second finger. It’s tight, but in the best way possible, and I can’t even be ashamed for rocking my hips back against him, because for the first time in forever the buzz in my head is quiet. I whine loudly as his fingers spread inside me, my body just as obedient to him as the rest of me. It opens willingly for him as he adds a third, watching me curiously. “What?” I ask, feeling his eyes on me.

“Proud of you,” he murmurs. “Look at how relaxed you are. You didn’t even flinch. How do you feel about experimenting a little?”

I chuckle, gasping as he drags over my prostate. “You’re the boss.”

He nods, and I feel him rummaging again with his free hand before his fingers slowly withdraw. I whine, and he chuckles. “What’s wrong?”

“Empty,” I growl out, shifting a little.

Cas laughs. “Oh, I see. Well, I’m sure we can find something to fill you with, don’t you think?” His fingers tease lightly around the rim, and I whimper. “Would you like to see what I’ve chosen for you?” he asks. I feel myself nod, and he slides off the bed, bringing the object up so I can see the long string of beads. I groan, and he chuckles. “Well?”

“Kinky son-of-a-bitch,” I mumble.

“What was that?” he asks, amused.

“Nothing. Nothing at all.”

He laughs, disappearing again. “That’s what I thought.” He starts the careful, methodical process of inserting them as a string of unintelligible sounds pours out of my mouth. By the time he finishes I’m panting, little tremors running through me. “How is that?” he asks casually, as if he’s asking about the weather.

The first thing that comes out is a whimper. “ _Fuck_ …so good…”

There’s a small click, a switch I didn’t see before, and I moan loudly as a low vibration spreads through me. “Jesus Cas, are you trying to kill me?”

He chuckles, stroking along my spine again. “You don’t seem to be complaining.” I shake my head, gasping as he turns it up a little. “Turn over,” he orders, tapping at my calf lightly.

It’s slow going, and quite a feat considering that I can feel the beads shift with each inch I move. When I finally manage it I’m red-faced and out of breath. He grins at me, and I frown. “What?”

He shakes his head, motioning to me, and I realize the position I’ve fallen into automatically; knees bent and spread wide, arms stretched over my head to grip the bars of the headboard. It’s more vulnerable and submissive than I’m normally okay with. I feel the heat rush to my face as I go to move, but he grabs my knee. “No, don’t. I just…I’m impressed. It’s okay here, remember?”

I nod, taking a deep breath and relaxing again. Cas scoots closer, settling between my knees and reaching out to wrap his hand around my shaft, stroking slowly. “ _Ahh_ …Sir…Not gonna last very long if you keep doing that.”

He smirks, turning the vibrations up again. “Perhaps that’s the point,” he answers, punctuating this with a slow lick along my shaft.

I can feel him pulling on the string, shifting everything inside me. “ _Fuck me_ Cas!” I pant, gripping the bars tightly as one of the beads slips free.

He glances up curiously. “Figure of speech?” he guesses.

I consider it for a moment, then shake my head. “No Sir. Please…”

I can almost feel his raised eyebrow. “Are you certain, Dean? I know you have reservations…”

When I glance up at him, I almost laugh at how startled he looks. “Are you going to wait until I change my mind?” He swallows, his hand slipping on the switch, turning the vibrations higher for a moment, and I moan, gripping the sheets. “Want you Sir…please fuck me…”

An involuntary moan escapes him, his face flushing as he pulls another bead free. He clears his throat, regaining his in-control posture. “Well…you have been a good boy…”

“ _Your_ good boy,” I add, gasping as he tugs again. “All spread out for you, waiting for you to take me…”

I watch him swallow, leaning in to kiss my thigh softly as he considers it, letting the next bead hover just at my entrance while he thinks. “I suppose you have earned it,” he says finally, slowly pulling until it comes free. “But first I want you to ask for what you want. In exact detail.”

Now this is a game I can play. “I want your cock, Sir,” I manage almost evenly, whining and squirming as he continues his task. “I want to feel it inside me, filling me up. Want you to take me, fuck me hard like the good little slut I am.” A choked sound escapes him, the tips of his ears going pink as he starts rapidly losing the battle for control. It’s turning me on at least as much as it’s turning him on, and I start talking faster. “Please Sir, take me…claim me…need your cock…Please…” The last half comes out as more of a whimper, but it works, and Cas grabs for the bottle of lube again as the last bead pops free. He prepares himself quickly, and I gasp as two of his fingers enter me roughly, spreading apart for a moment before they withdraw. “ _Fuck_ …Please, Sir…Pleasepleaseplease…” I hardly recognize my own voice, but at this point I’m not above begging.

He positions himself carefully, then glances up at me again before pushing forward, filling me quickly and completely. I gasp sharply, clawing at his back at the sudden sensation, my whimpers muffled by his lips as he kisses me hard, clearly dominating. When he pulls away he strokes a hand through my hair, watching me cautiously as I pant. “Okay?” he asks, sucking at the spot behind my ear. I nod quickly, beyond forming words. He groans softly in my ear, digging his teeth into the side of my neck. “Feel so good Dean,” he huffs, kissing along my collarbone.

“Cas, please!” He nods, slowly pulling back before thrusting in hard. I shout, my head thrown back, and he takes advantage, sucking and biting up my throat as he picks up speed until he’s slamming into me. Everything becomes a blur of heat and pleasure, and I moan loudly as something in me tightens. “Sir…Please…May I cum?” I manage to choke out.

He pulls back a little, smirking at me. “Not just yet.” I whimper, struggling to restrain myself. “Look at me Dean,” he murmurs finally, voice rough. I look up at him, and he smiles. “Good boy. Cum.” I nearly sob in relief as fire rushes through me, burning everything to the ground. I’m vague aware of Cas’ release inside me, but can’t seem to gather the shards of my mind enough to register it. When I come around I find myself in Cas’ lap, held securely against his chest as I shake, whimpering occasionally. “Shhh…” he murmurs softly, his palms gently stroking over my trembling skin. “I’m so proud of you, Dean. You’re okay. I’ve got you. Just breathe for me.” I manage to nod a little, shuddering again, and it’s all I can do to hold onto him and listen to his soft praises and murmurs until I can gather the strength to look up at him. He smiles, brushing my hair back and kissing my forehead softly. “Back with me?” he asks. I swallow, nodding, and he hugs me tighter, kissing me softly. “Good. You did so well Dean. I love you so much.” I sniffle a little, and he wipes at my cheek, his hand coming away wet. I frown at him, and he smiles. “It’s okay. I understand. It’s normal.” I want to be ashamed for crying, but the heat still sparking at the edges of my nerves keeps distracting me, so instead I just press closer to him and let it happen. He strokes my hair softly, rocking slowly back and forth until it seems to have stopped. “Come on,” he murmurs, shifting me slightly. “Let’s get you up.” I whimper, holding onto him tighter, and he chuckles. “It’s okay, I’m not going anywhere. I’m right here.”

He scoops me up, and the next thing I know we’re both in the bathtub. He smiles when I look up at him again. “…Hi,” I whisper.

“Hi,” he chuckles, kissing my forehead lightly. “How do you feel?”

I consider it for a moment, resting back against his chest. “Good. Really good. Quiet.”

“Quiet?” he repeats.

I nod. “I can’t really seem to think about anything besides you right now. It’s kind of nice.”

He chuckles, kissing my cheek softly. “Good. You were amazing, Dean. You did more than I could’ve asked for.”

I feel myself flush. “You’re a good teacher. I haven’t been able to let things out like that in…years. I’d almost forgotten how.”

“I’m glad you did,” he answers. “I know you don’t like to let things out very often.”

I shrug, resting my head against his shoulder. “It wasn’t so bad, with you. I guess I could do it a little more often.”

He frowns a little, his thumb tracing slow circles on the back of my neck. “I don’t want you to do it to make me happy,” he says. “I just want you to be happy. I know how bad you feel most of the time, keeping everything all bottled up. I thought maybe if you could let some of it out sometimes you’d feel better.”

I smile, leaning up to kiss him softly. “You were right. I do feel better. And I really should learn to stop holding onto everything. I know it’s not healthy. I’ve just been doing it for so long I’m not really sure how to stop anymore. How did you know this would help?”

He shrugs. “I didn’t. But the only time I see you let your guard down at all is during sex. You’re always in control of everything, every single day. I know it has to be stressful. So I thought maybe if you gave up control for a minute it might help you relax enough, and if I could overwhelm your brain with enough outside stimuli you’d stop thinking so much and let whatever was inside out. I think it was fairly successful.”

“I’d say you’re right about that,” I chuckle. “And it was nice, not to have to be in control for a little while. Sorry about the spontaneous crying thing. I’m not really sure what that was about.”

“It’s simple really,” he replies. “You were experiencing an emotional release along with a physical one. You have nothing to apologize for. That’s sort of the whole point.”

I sigh, hugging him tighter. “I love you.”

He smiles. “Love you too. So? Is it something to try again?”

I grin, kissing his neck softly. “I think I’d like that. Hey, when is it supposed to be my turn?”

“Any time you want, I suppose.”

I consider it for a moment, nodding. “Okay. But later. Now I’m tired.”

He laughs, carefully hoisting me up. “We could both use some sleep. Let’s get you dried off.”

It takes a little longer than usual, with Cas having to support me most of the way, but we manage to make it into bed. I fall back against the pillows, curling up against him as he pulls me close. “I love you, Cas,” I murmur, nuzzling into his chest.

He hums softly in response, kissing my temple softly. “I love you too, Dean. Sweet dreams.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please review if you like! I just found out I have two snow days, so if I get some reviews I'll spend the majority of those days writing new chapters.
> 
> Love,  
> TheSongSmith


	8. Covenant

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello there! I've been writing up a storm over here! This chapter was originally really long, so I split it into two. It somehow ended up the non-porny chapter and the porn(I figured we could all use a bit of plot development even though my heart lies in Dean's bedroom...). Here's the first!

When I wake again, it’s to the light movement of fingertips along my spine. “Time to wake up, beautiful,” Cas murmurs, nuzzling the back of my neck. I groan, indignantly burying myself further into the pillow. There’s a soft chuckle, and the fingertips become palms, stroking slowly down my back and over the curve of my ass before travelling back again. “Come on Dean, you’ve been asleep all day.” I moan softly, refusing to open my eyes. I can feel his grin as he presses soft kisses against my neck. “I have a surprise for you…” he teases.

Reluctantly, I blink up at him. “Surprise?” I murmur sleepily.

He grins. “Mhm. But if you don’t wake up you can’t have it.”

I sigh, turning halfway and pulling him down for a long, slow kiss. He returns it gently, his thumb stroking along my jaw as he opens to the light prodding of my tongue, sighing softly into my mouth as I pull him closer. It’s more tender than urgent, and I suckle at his bottom lip lightly before pulling away a few inches, smiling at the flush in his cheeks. “Okay, I’m up.” He smiles, but there’s something hesitant in his expression. “What’s wrong? You look scared.”

He shakes his head, stroking my cheek softly. “Nothing. I just…How are you doing?”

I frown, leaning in to kiss him again. “I’m fine, Cas. What are you thinking about? You’re starting to worry me.” I stroke a hand lightly through his hair, and he swallows.

“It’s nothing. I just wasn’t sure if you’d…be upset about…you know…”

He makes a vague motion between the two of us, and it takes a minute before I get it. _Oh_. “You mean what we did earlier?” He nods sheepishly, trapping his bottom lip between his teeth. I smile, carefully pulling it free before leaning in, hearing his soft gasp as I gently imprison it between my own, then slowly running my tongue over the imprints left behind. “No honey, I’m not upset at all. In case you couldn’t tell by all the moaning or the raging hard-on, I loved it. I haven’t felt that good in…God, I don’t even know how long. Relax, baby. I’m fine.” He breathes a sigh of relief into the short space between us, and I pull him down for another soft kiss. When he pulls away again he seems to have calmed. “Now, what is this surprise you’re talking about?”

He chuckles softly, sitting up. “If you’ll come into the kitchen you’ll find out.” I grin, slowly climbing out of bed and hissing as my muscles protest. Cas glances down, try and failing to hide his satisfied smirk. “Sore?”

I make a face at him while I find my underwear. “Wouldn’t you like to know.” He laughs, following me into the kitchen and motioning to the covered tray on the table. I lift the cover, momentarily shocked. “Pie?” I ask. He nods. “Cas, you made me pie?”

He shrugs. “I was bored. I don’t know if it tastes any good.”

“Well we are about to find out,” I chuckle, grabbing a plate and cutting a slice out. I dig into it, moaning around the fork.

Cas laughs. “I guess it’s not terrible, then.”

“Baby, it’s so good. Thank you!” He watches me eat it for a moment, amused, before a thought dawns on me. “Okay. What’s this for?”

“For?” he asks innocently. “I told you, I was just bored and thought you might enjoy pie.” I raise an eyebrow at him, and he sighs. “Alright. We need to talk, Dean.”

I frown. “Those are words that never start anything good. What’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” he says quickly, digging a stack of papers out. “Just logistics.”

I nod to the papers curiously. “Did you also draft up your tell-all memoir while I was out?”

He rolls his eyes, nudging me playfully. “No. This is…a contract, of sorts.”

“Are you trying to start a small business with me? Come on Cas, spit it out.”

He sighs. “You’ve expressed interest in continuing to explore our…earlier activities. But if we’re going to do that, we need to set boundaries. This is a list of sexual acts commonly associated with BDSM, and we have to go through it and see what we actually want to do.”

I eye the stack apprehensively. “Do we really have to? I trust your judgment.”

“I understand that, Dean, and I appreciate it, but that’s not the point. It’s important for us to lay these things out now. I know you trust me, but there are a lot of things on this list that I doubt you’ve considered, and that you may not be comfortable with.”

I swallow my next bite of pie, knowing I’m going to regret my next question. “Like what?”

He glances through the list for a moment. “Like…scatplay,” he says evenly.

“Jesus,” I mutter under my breath. _Yep. Definitely regretting that one._ “Is that…something you want to do?” I ask cautiously.

He makes a face. “I don’t think so. But it’s important that we talk about that now, so we can figure out what we both want.” He pauses, looking up at me. “Humor me. Please?”

I nod, pushing my plate away. “Okay, okay, I get your point. So, what have we got?”

He pushes the list towards me, and we start going through each item on it. It takes forever, but it’s kind of interesting too, even if I keep getting distracted by my own imagination. “Dean?” Cas interrupts. “Dean!”

I snap out of my thoughts, glancing down at the word _knifeplay_. “Huh? Yeah. I mean…I guess…”

He glances down at my growing erection, raising an eyebrow at me. “Really?”

I frown. “Hey, I thought this was a no-judgment zone!”

He laughs. “It is, I’m not judging you. I’m just…surprised. With all the times you’ve been held at knifepoint, I didn’t think you’d have much interest.”

“Well that was other people, not you. You’re pretty sexy when you go all angel-blade.” I shrug. “I’d be willing to try.”

He makes a thoughtful sound, marking it down. We finally make it through the list, and I sigh, taking my pie back. “Are we done?”

“Almost,” he chuckles. “Just one more order of business. We should have a scene word.”

“For what?” I ask, getting up to wash my plate.

He shrugs. “It’s a good way to transition, or so I read. That way if I want to scene or you do, you can just say it and we’ll both know what it means.”

I nod thoughtfully for a moment. “How about…Bowie?”

“Bowie?” he repeats.

“Yeah. He’s a musician.”

Cas nods, scribbling it down. “Okay. Now we’re done.”

I pull him onto the couch beside me, picking up one of the books on the table. “Thank God. Hey, how’d you know about all the stuff on the list?”

He shrugs. “I Googled them. It’s not hard. I’m very tech-savvy now.”

I snort, imagining the absolute shitstorm Sam is going to pull when all of the ads he sees are for butt plugs and cock rings. “Baby, we’ve gotta get you your own computer before Sam kills me.” I hug him closer, kissing his temple softly. “Back to research, I guess.”

He frowns a little. “Research? You have a new case?”

“The only case I have is yours, and I still haven’t found anything yet.”

He nods thoughtfully, and I glance up at him. “What?”

“Well, I’ve been thinking…” I raise an eyebrow at him, and he sighs. “I’m having…doubts about this plan.”

“What about it?” I ask.

He shrugs. “Well, there were an awful lot of them, Dean. Even if we could figure out how to get them all down here, how would we contain them? Holy fire is one thing, but it also means we can’t get near them. And besides, even if we could, what are you planning on doing with them?”

“Giving them a taste of their own medicine,” I say, a little louder than I intended. “They deserve it!” I sigh. “Honestly? I really want to kill every single one of them for what they did to you. I want them to suffer.”

Cas nods slowly. “I know. But does that not put us on their level?”

I close the book, setting it down on the table. “I don’t know,” I admit. “Probably. But to just let it slide…they tortured you, Cas. They tried to break you. If we don’t retaliate, what’s going to stop them from trying again? I just don’t want you to live in fear of them forever.” He nods thoughtfully, absently stroking along my arm. “Well, it’s your nightmare, so it should be up to you. What do you want to do about it?”

He sighs, shaking his head. “I don’t know. I don’t know what the right thing to do is. I understand your anger, but to torture them all seems…excessive. I’d rather not think about it now, honestly. I just want to be happy with you.”

I smile, pulling his chin up for a gentle kiss. “Well, I think we can probably arrange that.”

He smiles back, snuggling up closer against my side and reaching for the TV remote. After choosing something to watch, he gets distracted, pulling something from the table. It takes me a minute to recognize it as the sketchbook he used to draw in. “I didn’t know you still had this,” he murmurs, flipping through it.

I shrug sheepishly. “I didn’t have the heart to get rid of it.” He flips to the third drawing, the one of us in the bathroom together. “You always like that one.”

He smiles. “Of course I do. It meant a lot to me.”

“What did?” I ask curiously.

Cas shrugs. “This was the moment I knew I was really safe,” he explains, stroking his fingers over the edges of the picture. “You know I wasn’t so good at separating my hallucinations of you from the real you. The whole time before this I was convinced you were the bad one. I thought they were trying to convince me that I was being rescued so that it would hurt more when you drove me back to that place and left me there.”

“No wonder you were so terrified,” I murmur, stroking his hair gently. “The whole time? That’s why you rushed out of the car when we got here?”

He blushes. “I didn’t want you to turn around. I was willing to accept your kindness for as long as it lasted, just because I was so desperate for a break. But I still fully expected to have the rug pulled out from under me. It wasn’t until this moment that I changed my mind.”

“What changed?” I ask softly.

He smiles a little. “You. You spoke so softly, and you were so gentle with me, I realized you had to be the real Dean. The one they created was never quite right, and could never be that gentle. This was the exact moment I realized that I really was safe. It was such a relief. I wanted to cry and hold onto you, but I was too shocked; too afraid that I was wrong, that this moment would be taken away from me. But it wasn’t. It was real.”

I lean in, kissing him softly. “I love you baby. I wish there was something I could do to fix it.”

He frowns for a moment, pushing me back until he can settle against my chest, leaning down to kiss me again. “Dean, you did fix it. You fixed me. I was so broken when you found me. You put me back together again. Just like you promised.”

I smile, stroking his cheek lightly. “Well, it was the least I could do. You’re doing your fair share of fixing me too.”

He grins, shaking his head. “You don’t need fixing. You just need a little nudge in the right direction. Speaking of which, you still haven’t taken your turn.”

I chuckle, hugging him closer. “Eager are we?”

He flushes. “Just curious.”

“Well, you set the bar pretty high.”

He smiles. “Well, you don’t have to do what I did. You can do anything you want.”

I pause for a moment, thinking. “So the whole domination thing…was what you wanted to do?”

He looks at me like I’m crazy. “Of course it was. Dean, did it not occur to you that I take great enjoyment out of doing that with you?”

I shrug. “I kinda figured you just did that for me.”

“Well it was for you too, of course, but it was for my own enjoyment as well. I wouldn’t have agreed to do it, or to do it more often, if I didn’t want to do it.”

“So…It’s not just for my sake?”

He chuckles. “Of course not. I mean, it’s for you on some level, because I want to help you. But it’s also about how sexy I think you are when you lose control a little. It’s for both of us.”

I nod, relieved. “Oh. Okay. Good.” I grin, kissing him deeply, gripping at his ass to pull him closer, thankful for his lack of clothing. “You know,” I murmur, “I’ve been doing an awful lot more exploration than you lately.” He mewls softly, subtly pressing back into my grip. “Something I can do for you?” I tease, nipping at his neck while my fingers slip under the waist of his boxers, softly caressing his ass and chuckling when his knees spread wider.

“Please, Dean…” he groans. “Touch me…”

“Hmm, well that’s an idea. Come on. The couch is not the place for this.”

 

* * *

 

 

Later, Cas stretches out on the bed, sighing happily. “You were right,” he murmurs, still panting softly from our earlier activities. “That was very much worth the initial discomfort.”

I chuckle, kissing his forehead. “I’m glad you agree.” I glance over, looking through the forgotten pile of toys left at the bottom of the bed. “I don’t even know what you might do with half this stuff,” I mumble, picking up a weird-looking spiky thing. “And how did you even get these?”

He grins. “I suspect you’ll become better acquainted with them soon. And I do know how to drive, Dean.”

I pout at him. “Are you telling me that you went to a sex shop without me?”

He shrugs. “We can go together one day.”

I grin, hugging him closer. “Why the sudden interest in all things sex? Not that I’m complaining or anything, but you seem to have fully jumped on the bandwagon here.”

He considers it for a moment. “I don’t know. It’s very…human. But it’s more than that. It’s also very…intimate. It makes me feel closer to you than I’ve felt to any living creature in my entire existence. I get to know you the way no one else does. I get to make you feel good. And I like learning about all the inventive ways humans have come up with to do that.”

“The fact that it feels good definitely doesn’t hurt either,” I smirk, kissing behind his ear. He laughs, shoving me lightly. “So, when exactly is my next lesson in…whatever this is?” I ask, waving a random toy at him.

Cas laughs. “Eager?”

“Just curious.”

He shakes his head at me. “It’s more than curiosity. You like giving up control.”

I feel myself go red. “Maybe.”

Cas chuckles. “There’s nothing wrong with that, Dean. Your life thus far certainly merits a break or two.”

“I know, I know,” I sigh, kissing him softly. “I’m just getting used to it. You’re right, I like getting to relax for a while, but it still feels like something I don’t deserve.”

He frowns at that. “I’m having a hard time thinking of anyone who deserves to relax more than you.”

I nod. “It is nice.”

“Well that’s what matters,” he murmurs back.

There’s a clatter from the living room, and I frown, grabbing for my pants and the gun in the nightstand. Cas follows me as I creep slowly down the hall, only to find Sam and Gabriel in a heap on the floor. “The hell was that?” Sam is grumbling.

“You’re supposed to brace!” Gabriel hisses back.

“Well next time maybe you should tell me that _before_ you zap me somewhere!”

Cas looks from them to me, amused. I clear my throat, and they both look up, hastily untangling themselves and standing up. “So,” I say after a minute. “How was vacation?”

Sam goes red. “Oh. It was…good. Yeah. We worked out…everything.”

Gabriel snickers, and I glare at them both. “Oh, gross!”

“Oh, come on Dean,” Gabe smirks. “Are you telling me you and Cassie here sat around like good Christian girls waiting for marriage while we were gone?”

I manage a growl at him. “Whatever. Have fun with your browser history Sammy.”

Sam makes an indignant sound, reaching for his laptop. I start back down the hall, but Gabriel stops me. “Hold on! I didn’t get to tell you about the present I left for you in the basement.”

I frown at him, looking back at Cas. “Do I want to know?” He shrugs.

Gabriel sighs. “Alright, look. I know we don’t have the best relationship, but consider this a peace offering. The ringleader of your merry band of kidnappers is all trussed up down there for you.”

I watch him for a moment. “Why would you do that?” I ask suspiciously.

“To congratulate you on triumphing over your gay panic?” he answers. I snarl, turning away again. “Okay, okay. That was a cheap shot. I know Sammy means a lot to you. He means a lot to me too.” Sammy smiles and flushes at that. “So I was thinking that maybe if I helped you out with something else you care about, it might smooth things over a little. Our paths crossed and now he’s downstairs for you to do what you please with. So, what do you say, Dean? Truce?”

I hesitate, glancing at Cas, who shrugs again. “Fine. For now. But if you hurt my brother I’ll hunt you down myself.”

Gabriel grins. “Understood. So…what are you gonna do with him?”

“I don’t know yet,” I sigh. “I mean, I know what I want to do, but Cas has reservations about that particular plan. How are you holding him down there, anyway?”

He shrugs. “I’m an archangel, Dean. It’s not hard. He won’t get out until I let him out. Though, I wouldn’t go down there without me.”

I scowl at him. “And why not?”

“Because I’m the only one here with the juice to keep him in check. You saw what he did to your boyfriend.”

I nod, pulling Cas closer. “Right. Well. Thanks.”

Gabriel nods before Sam pulls him down the hall. I glance towards the basement stairs, and Cas frowns. “No.”

“What?” I ask.

“Dean, promise me you won’t go down there before we figure out what to do. You heard Gabriel. He’s…powerful. I don’t want you getting hurt.”

“Cas, I’ll be fine,” I assure him, kissing him softly. “It’s not the first time I’ve taken on one measly angel.”

He shakes his head. “Not like him. Just promise me, Dean. Please.”

I sigh, hugging him tightly. “Okay, I promise, alright? Relax baby.” He looks at me for a moment before nodding. “Come on. I think it’s time for you to continue my education.”

Finally, he cracks a smile, kissing me softly. “I think I can manage that. Bowie?” I nod, and he pulls me closer, kissing me hard before turning and walking away. I stand there for a minute, shocked. “Are you coming or not?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Remember to review! I love reading your opinions and comments. Expect more chapters up later this week, sooner if more of you review :D
> 
> Love,  
> TheSongSmith


	9. Fracture

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello all! As promised, here's the porny half. Enjoy!

“Are you coming or not?” he snaps from down the hall. I hurry into the bedroom, catching the little smirk on his face. “You know what to do,” he mutters, turning away to examine his pile. Quickly shoving my sweatpants down, I take my position on the floor. Remembering his corrections from earlier, I keep my knees apart, lowering my gaze to the floor. When he turns back again he makes a sound of approval, running his fingers through my hair lightly. “Good boy. You remembered your orders.” A little whine escapes me at the praise, and he chuckles. “I know, you like being good for me. Do you remember your safeword?”

I nod, my eyes closing for a moment as his nails scratch lightly along my scalp. “Impala, Sir.”

“And when do you use it, pet?”

“If I get scared or can’t handle something you want me to do.”

I sigh softly as his fingers travel to the back of my head. “And what happens if you use your safeword?” he asks softly.

“You’ll stop.”

He pauses for a moment. “You believe that?” he asks finally.

I nod slightly, careful not to dislodge his hands. “Yes Sir. I trust you.” I almost surprise myself with the truth in that statement, but it seems to make Cas happy.

“Good. Now, I want you to stay right there. I’m going to go tell Gabriel and Sam to vacate the premises for a while.”

I fight the urge to look up at him, but the question comes out before I can stop it. “Why?”

I clamp my mouth shut, remembering that I’m not supposed to question, but the fingers in my hair don’t stop their absent stroking, so I figure he’s not mad. “Because I don’t think you’ll really be able to relax knowing they’re down the hall. Not yet, anyway.” Something inside me settles at that, relaxing at how well he knows me. “Be good while I’m gone,” he murmurs. His touch slips away, and I frown a little, listening to him walk away until his footsteps fade. I take a deep breath, focusing on relaxing. I don’t notice he’s returned until he leans down, kissing the back of my neck softly. A soft _oh_ escapes me, and he chuckles. “Good boy. I think you deserve a reward.” He pushes between my shoulder blades until I shift onto all fours, my hips dropping automatically. Cas makes a surprised sound, dragging his fingertips lightly over my hips and thighs. “Where did you learn to do that?” he asks curiously.

“Do what?”

“You’re…presenting.” I’m not entirely sure what that means, but he seems pleased about it. I don’t have too much time to wonder, because he leans in pressing a soft kiss to the back of my thigh. “You’re so perfect Dean,” he murmurs. I feel myself flush, thankful that he can’t see my face. “Now, I know you’ve mastered the art of relaxing, and that it wouldn’t take very long at all to prepare you, but I think we’d both like it better if I took my time opening you up.” A soft moan escapes me, and he chuckles. “I’d say that’s an agreement. And I do need something to do while I figure out what to do with you today. You humans have a saying about idle hands.” I huff out a laugh, but it’s quickly forgotten when there’s a slick finger moving lightly over my entrance, my attention focused entirely on his touch. After a minute he shifts, and the finger breaches the tight ring of muscle, moving slowly and smoothly until it can’t go any farther. I take a shaky breath, letting out a breathy “ _Fuck…_ ”, and Cas groans softly. “God Dean, you’re perfect,” he murmurs, his hot breath ghosting over my skin. “Look at how obedient you are, how easily that pretty ass of yours takes me in…” I moan, finding myself pressing back onto his finger out of instinct until the sting of his hand on my ass makes me stop. “Be still,” he orders, though there’s a hint of amusement in his voice. “You know, for someone who was afraid of this not too long ago, you certainly are eager.”

“All thanks to your brilliant teaching methods, Sir,” I chuckle.

I’m rewarded with another finger sliding in beside the first, and I hiss at the stretch. “That’s my good boy,” Cas is murmuring, his free hand stroking lightly down my chest and abdomen, and I purr at the praise. “Breathe.” He works them in deeper, and soon my arms are shaking with the effort of holding myself up. He must notice, because he chuckles softly, pushing down lightly between my shoulders again until I slip down to my elbows, which has the added effect of raising my ass higher and gives me an idea of what Cas meant by “presenting”. I whimper softly as his fingers scissor apart, gently stretching me open. “So good for me. Just relax, Dean. This is a reward.”

I flush again, fighting the urge to push back against his fingers. “Thank you Sir,” I breathe, resting my forehead on the floor. “Though I’m not sure I deserve it.”

He makes a little sound of disapproval. “You do. You’re being very good. I want to hear you say it. Tell me you deserve to have me stretch you open.”

My face grows hotter, and it takes a minute to find my voice as his fingers press insistently deeper. “I-I deserve to have you play with my ass…open it up for you, Sir…” I whisper, growing impossibly harder.

“Mmm, that’s right, pet. And why do you deserve it?”

I shiver as his fingers spread again, letting the cool air in beside them. “Because…I’m a g-good boy?”

He free hand wraps around my cock, stroking slowly. “That’s right. How does it feel to have me stretching your tight little ass like this?”

I moan again, gasping as his fingers ghost over my prostate. “Good…so fucking good…love it when you play with my ass,” I moan feverishly. He continues murmuring softly as he adds a third finger, and I relax further, trembling lightly as I listen to the soft words and praise. He keeps a slow pace, careful not to work me up too far, just enough for me to get lost in it, my keening fading to soft, panted breaths.

When he slowly removes his fingers, I whimper, and he chuckles. “Don’t worry, Dean. There will be plenty of time for more.” His fingers ghost lightly around the rim, and I moan softly. “Alright good boy. Let’s get you up.” His hand wraps around my arm, gently pulling me up. His free arm settles around my waist, pulling me against him and kissing me softly. “How do you feel?” he asks softly.

“Good,” I manage in a whisper, letting my forehead rest against his. “Calm. Quiet.”

He smiles, kissing me again. “Good. Trust me?” I nod, letting him walk me backwards until the backs of my legs hit something hard. He pushes me down into the straight-backed wooden chair, reaching over to the bed and coming back with a length of rope. I shift a little, surprised, and he glances up, waiting for me to settle and nod before kneeling down to adjust the position of my foot, binding my ankles and knees to the chair so that my legs are held open. He slips two fingers under the rope, checking the tightness, before taking my arm, setting it on the arm rest and getting to work tying it down from wrist to elbow in elaborate and downright beautiful patterns. He glances down at my lap, noticing the twitch of my cock while I watch him work. He smirks. “I take it you’re a fan.”

I grin. “Not the first time I’ve been tied to a chair. Probably not the last either, but I’ve never liked it so much before. If I get hard the next some monster ties me up, that’s on you.”

He chuckles. “How does it feel? Too tight?”

I glance down, pulling at the ropes to test the bonds. “Not too tight, but I’m not going anywhere. It’s actually…kind of pretty.”

He smiles, taking a step back to survey his work. “Pretty, and functional. I picked this specific tie because it would let me cut you out of here in a few seconds if you told me to stop.” He flushes a little, nodding towards a silver pair of shears sitting on the corner of the dresser. “Those are what medical professionals use to cut through clothing in emergencies. I wanted to be prepared, in case you were scared or had a bad reaction to it.”

I look up at him, surprised that he’d not only consider what might trigger me, but also create a plan to handle it. He glances away from me for a moment, worrying his bottom lip nervously. “Sir?”

He glances up, surprised. “Yes?”

“Would you mind coming down here so I can kiss you?” Slowly, he grins, leaning down to kiss me softly. “Thank you for that,” I murmur, smiling. “I’m okay, but I promise I’ll tell you if I’m not.” He nods, pleased, and goes back to checking the rope around my left wrist, making sure it’s not cutting into my skin. “I assume you’ve decided what you want to do with me, Sir?”

He smiles. “I’ve decided the first thing I’d like to do with you. We’ll see how it goes from there. You feeling okay like that?” I nod, tugging absently at the ropes, but the lack of movement is surprisingly calming. “Alright then. It occurred to me that neither of us know much about what you like, so I thought I’d try out some different sensations on you. How do you feel about being blindfolded, Dean?” he asks casually, like he’s asking me how I feel about the rain.

“Well, I…” I pause, trying to figure out how to answer.

“I know we discussed it, and that you said it’s something you’d try, but I also know it makes you nervous. So it’s up to you this time.”

I frown, thinking it over. In combination with being tied down, it’s a little scarier, but I also don’t have the same jolt of fear I expected. “We can try,” I say finally. “I don’t really know how I’ll react, but I’ll try.”

He nods. “Of course. If it’s too much just tell me and I’ll take it off.” He walks around behind me, picking up a strip of black fabric and tying it securely over my eyes. My heart jumps a little, but the reaction isn’t nearly as bad as I anticipated, so I try to control it. Cas’ hands drift down to my shoulders, stroking steadily over my skin while he waits for a decision. After a minute or two I manage to relax again, and he presses a soft kiss to the back of my neck.

“Okay,” I decide. “I think I’m good.”

I feel him nod. “Okay. I’m proud of you. If you change your mind at any point just tell me.” He shifts around to the front again, trailing his fingers over me so I can approximate where he is. I hear him rummaging for a little while, one hand still resting on my knee. “Alright Dean. I’m going to have you use a color system to tell me how you’re doing with these sensations. Green means you’re good, yellow means you need a break, and red means you want me to stop immediately. Understand?”

“Yes Sir,” I manage, wondering what kinds of things he could possibly be doing. “I understand.”

There’s a shuffling sound again. “Good. Nervous?”

“A little. But I’m okay.”

“Good boy. Deep breaths.” There’s a soft clinking sound, and then a cold drop falls onto my chest. I flinch at it, and at the next one, gasping when the object is swiped across my skin. “Guesses?” he asks.

I squirm, groaning as it’s moved along my thigh. “Ice. Definitely ice.”

He chuckles. “Good. What color?”

“Green,” I breathe, whimpering as the quickly-melting ice is circled around one of my nipples. It shifts to the other one, and suddenly Cas’ warm mouth is around the first. I jerk against the ropes, moaning loudly, and he laughs.

“Sensitive, are we?” His mouth moves to the other side, and the ice trails down my stomach, making me squirm. It disappears for a moment, and then suddenly his mouth is around my cock. He must have sucked on the ice cube, because it’s both cold and hot, and the mixture is intense. I grip the chair tightly, trying in vain to both thrust up towards the heat and pull away from the cold, and when he pulls away I’m panting softly. “Well done, Dean. Let’s try something else.” His fingers tease at my nipples lightly, and I groan, tipping my head back as he pinches them lightly. “I have a feeling you’re going to like this one.” I feel him fiddling around before I feel sharp, biting pain in my right nipple. The feeling is so sudden that the panic takes over for a minute, and I can’t stop the shout that escapes me. I jerk back so hard I nearly tip the chair over, but the pain is still there. Cas grabs onto my shoulders to steady me. “Dean? Talk to me. What color?”

“I don’t know, I don’t know, it hurts!” I manage, the words coming out more like a whimper than I intended.

He squeezes my shoulders lightly. “Okay. Focus. Hurts bad or hurts good?” he asks calmly.

It takes me a minute to process the question, and another to stop panicking enough to tell. It’s not completely unbearable, and I realize belatedly that I’m harder than I was before. “U-Um…g-good? I think,” I answer.

I hear his relieved sigh, and one of his hands shifts up to stroke my cheek lightly. “Alright. Then take a deep breath and calm down. I’m right here.” I nod, slowing my breaths down. After the initial shock wears off, it does start to feel good. One of Cas’ hands slides lower, moving slowly to give me a chance to stop him if I want to. When I don’t, he brushes lightly over what I’ve come to realize is a nipple clamp, and the little jolt that spreads out from it goes straight to my cock. I groan softly at the feeling, and he seems to relax a little. “Better?”

“Better,” I mumble. “Sorry.”

He leans closer, kissing my forehead softly. “It’s okay. I know you weren’t expecting it. You did good. Can I put the other one on?” I nod, hissing as he carefully places it, but manage to keep it together, moaning softly. “Good boy. Color?”

“Green,” I murmur, relaxing back into the chair.

His fingers shift under my chin, lifting it so that he can kiss me softly. “Good. Ready to try something else?”

“Yes Sir.” He nods, considering his options for a moment before one of his hands wraps around my cock, stroking slowly. After a minute or two he starts rubbing a cream of some sort around the head, and I frown, trying to figure out what he’s doing. He must see it, because he chuckles softly, continuing his slow stroking. The skin under the cream starts to get hot and tingly, and I squirm a little. “ _Ahh_ fuck…what the hell is that?”

“Toothpaste,” he answers calmly.

“You put toothpaste on my cock?”

He laughs. “Yes. It has menthol in it, which is causing that feeling I’m sure you’re starting to experience. Is it too strong?”

I consider it for a moment. The sensation is strange, walking the line between pleasurable and uncomfortable, and I groan as it gets hotter. “No, it’s okay. Weird, though.”

“Good. It has the same effect on other sensitive areas.” He thumbs over one of my nipples, and I whimper. “But I think this is enough for now.”

I squirm a little more as he sucks a bruise above my collarbone. “Fuck that’s hot...”

“What color?”

“Green,” I breathe. “Definitely green. Fuck…”

“I think we’ve discovered that heat is definitely a turn-on for you,” he chuckles, leaning in for a long, slow kiss. I whimper into his mouth as he tugs lightly on my clamped nipples, gasping as he releases them, rubbing over the sensitive flesh before ducking down to soothe over them with his tongue. I groan, pulling against the ropes again while he carefully wipes the toothpaste away. He shifts, blowing lightly over the head of my cock and chuckling when I jump. “Sensitive?” he murmurs.

I nod. “Yes Sir. But it’s good.” I gasp as I feel his mouth around me again, his tongue probing lightly.

“Hmm. Minty.”

I laugh, feeling him loosening the ropes around my ankle. “Done already?” I ask, disappointed.

Cas chuckles. “Not quite yet. I have a few more ideas, if you’re feeling up to it.” I nod eagerly, and he kisses me softly. “Good. Relax.” I take his advice as he carefully unties me, rubbing gently at the skin. Finally, he tugs the blindfold free, and I blink for a moment at everything comes into focus. I find him watching me curiously.

“What’s that look for?” I ask cautiously.

He smiles. “It’s nothing. I’m just thinking that you might be a little uncomfortable about my next idea. You can always stop me, okay?”

I frown, but nod slowly, following his light guidance out of the chair and over to the bed. I sit in the middle, watching as he grips my ankle, carefully fastening a black leather cuff around it. He repeats the process on the other side and on each wrist, checking to be sure they’re not too tight before grabbing a long metal bar. “What are you doing with that?” I ask cautiously.

He glances up. “Breathe, Dean. Trust me.”

I nod, and he attaches it to the cuffs at my ankles, then bends my knees and attaches my wrists to my ankles. The whole effect leaves me almost bent in half, but seems to hide all the sexy parts. “Sir?” I ask softly, puzzled.

He smiles, running a hand through my hair and down along my spine. “Not done yet, pet. Patience.” One of his hands wraps around the bar, the other gripping my shoulder, and he pushes me onto my back. He picks up the forgotten rope, tying a quick knot to the bar and fastening it to the headboard, using the leverage to pull my hips up higher. His hands go back to the bar, working with sure movements, and suddenly it’s growing, spreading my ankles farther apart, just to the point of uncomfortable. He notices the curve of my shoulders, pulled up off the mattress by the cuffs at my wrist, and he presses down lightly on the backs of my thighs. “If you bend your knees a little you can lie down a little more comfortably.” Seeing as I don’t seem to have much choice, my knees bend, the spread of the bar forcing them out to the sides, which eases the strain on my shoulders but exposes me further to him. And I realize why he said I’d be uncomfortable. It’s not the stretch or the bindings themselves, but the way that absolutely _everything_ is exposed to him this way, my thighs and ass spread wide, and my traitorous cock, hard and leaking despite my embarrassment. I squeeze my eyes shut as I try to regain a more normal breathing pattern. His hands rest lightly over my chest, and I can feel him watching me. “You’re tense, pet. And trembling. Is something wrong?”

“No Sir,” I breathe, my fingers gripping around the bar.

“Are you sure?” he asks. His voice is calm, assured as he pets soothingly over my skin, and I know he already knows. “If you’re not honest, I can’t help. Are you scared?”

I take a shallow breath. “Yes.”

“Do you want to be let free?” he asks gently.

“No,” I manage. “It’s…not that bad.” What I mean is it’s not really the bondage I’m scared of.

He makes a thoughtful sound, one of his hands shifting to pet along the back of my thigh. “Alright. Then talk to me. What’s bothering you?”

I take another shaking breath, squirming a little, though I can’t get very far. “It’s…I’m very…exposed,” I manage.

“Do you believe I’m seeing something I haven’t seen before?”

 _Yes_. “No. Not…I mean, it’s a different kind of exposed.”

“Oh, I see. You mean you’re more vulnerable like this? Helpless? Because you couldn’t move enough to take control back if you needed to?”

I nod, trying to take an even breath. “Y-Yes. Exactly.”

He makes a soft humming sound, as if he’s considering information he didn’t already know. “Do you think I would hurt you in any way you didn’t like?” he asks after a moment.

“No Sir.”

“Do you think I would refuse to release you, if you asked?”

I shake my head, swallowing. “No Sir. I trust you.”

He makes another thoughtful sound. “But how much do you trust me, pet? Do you trust me to keep you safe? To honor your limits and your safeword, should you use it? To not push you farther than you can take? To care for your body and mind when you give them up to me?”

“Yes,” I whisper, though it’s hard to hear over the pounding of my heart. “Yes, I trust you with all of that. I trust you completely.”

“And yet,” he murmurs, “You still feel the need to be able to defend yourself. You dislike giving up that last little escape route.”

I nod slowly. “Yes Sir. It’s not you. It’s just my instinct to build walls; to always have an ace up my sleeve.”

“And you understand that it’s my job to break down your walls?”

“Yes Sir. That’s why I submit to you,” I admit. “The walls don’t just keep people out. They keep me in. I need help. You’re the only one who’s gotten anywhere close.”

The fingers resting against my chest stroke lightly; a reward. “I’m glad you realize that. Tell me, pet, in what situations would you have to defend yourself here? If I pushed you too far? Hurt you? Kept you against your will?” I nod, swallowing hard. “And could you defend yourself at all, in this position?”

“N-No Sir,” I whisper.

The hand on my thigh squeezes lightly. “Well then. I suppose you’ll just have to trust that I won’t do those things, won’t you?”

It seems so simple; like something I already should have known. And I guess I did know it, but hearing it from his mouth made it so clear. He’s refusing to give me my security blanket, because I don’t need it. And just like that, he’s broken me. The trembling stops, the knot in my chest loosening and letting me breathe, and I relax, letting the cuffs bear my weight. “Yes Sir,” I murmur finally. “I submit to you. Completely.”

I hear his breath, and his fingers still in their stroking. “You understand that this means relinquishing your ability to defend yourself.”

I nod. “I don’t need to. I’m yours.” Something warm spreads through me at the idea.

“Mine,” he agrees. “Thank you.” He leans down, kissing me softly. “Just one more thing. Open your eyes, pet.”

I frown, biting my lip for a moment. “I…can’t.”

“Because you’re afraid of seeing your own submission,” he says gently, not a question. “I know. Trust me. Open your eyes.” I take a deep breath, slowly opening them and letting then travel from my bound wrists and ankles, down between my thighs, spread wide open for him. I tense for a moment, expecting the wave of panic to wash over me, but it never does, so I take a breath and look up at him. He’s grinning, unable to stop his happiness from cracking through the stoic mask. There’s a little bit of pride there, too, and I can’t help but smile back. “Do you understand now,” he murmurs, “How perfect you are? How beautiful your submission is?”

I feel myself flush a little, nodding. “I think I’m starting to, Sir.”

He leans closer, kissing me again. “Such a good boy for me.” A soft little whine escapes me, and he chuckles, running his fingers through my hair. “I think somebody has a praise kink.” I flush, and he strokes my cheek lightly. “Nothing to be embarrassed about. I like telling you when you’ve done a good job. Now you can relax. You deserve a reward, my pet, and I want to show you exactly how much your submission means to me. I want you to watch as much as you can, understood?” I nod, eager for more than light touches after the teasing he’s been doing all afternoon. His head dips to press soft kisses along my collarbone, pausing to suckle at one of my nipples, still sensitive from his earlier ministrations. I gasp softly, arching up as much as the bindings will allow, and he grins, gently scraping his teeth over it. I moan, and he chuckles softly, dragging his lips down my stomach. “Feel good, my pet?” he asks, biting and sucking a bruise onto my thigh. I can’t do more than mewl in response as his lips trail fire over me, panting softly as I watch him, his mouth hovering so close…

I wail as he drags his tongue along my shaft slowly, my head thrown back against the pillows. He apparently can’t resist, because he moves up, sinking his teeth into the soft flesh of my neck, a claim. “Yours?” I whisper hesitantly, too afraid to say it louder.

“Mine,” he growls back, licking over the mark. “Always mine. Beautiful, Dean…” I sigh softly, closing my eyes for a moment as he shifts lower. I try to keep watching, straining to see him when he kisses and licks at my thighs again. He chuckles, pausing for a moment to slip more pillows behind me. “Good boy. Keep watching.” He holds my gaze as his fingers wrap around my cock, stroking slowly. Quiet little whimpers escape me, and I can’t look away from the smooth rhythm of his hand.

I realize that I’ve been mumbling incoherently for a while, a mixture of pleas and whines that stops when I feel a lubed finger rubbing lightly over my hole. He kisses my thigh softly as it smoothly slides in. He moves slowly, making sure each movement drags over my prostate, and my feverish mumbling starts up again without my permission. “Oh, fuck…please, please…fuckfuckfuck…”

Cas grins, and I whimper as he presses harder into the gland. “Tell me what you need, pet.”

It takes a minute to get my voice back under my control, the sensations making it hard to concentrate. “I… _ahhh_ …fuck, please Sir…need to…shit, right there…need to cum… Ohfuckplease…”

He chuckles softly, sliding a second finger in beside the first. “Good boy. Deep breaths. You may cum, but you must tell me before you do. Understood?” I whimper in response, nodding and struggling to push back against his fingers. “Easy, pet,” he murmurs. “Let me take care of you. What do you need?”

“More…harder…please!” I pant, keening loudly when he pushes up harder, moving faster over my prostate. “Ohfuckyesfuckfuck…shit, I’m cumming, I’m cumming!”

I briefly register a shout, though it takes a minute to realize that it’s coming from me as my whole body seizes up. Cas is murmuring softly, his fingers gently stroking over me, and when I come around enough to understand him I realize that the bar and cuffs are gone and that I’m sitting in his lap. He’s still talking, but it’s another minute before I can understand him. “Still with me baby?”

I manage a nod, feeling him kiss my forehead. “Good. Just breathe. I’m so proud of you.” I burrow further into his chest, whimpering occasionally as I shudder, and he shushes me, holding me securely against him. “So good for me, Dean,” he murmurs. “I’ve got you.” When I manage to get myself together enough, I look up at him. “Hi baby,” he grins. “Feeling okay?” I nod, closing my eyes again. “Alright, let’s clean you up.” I realize that I’m covered in sweat, my own cum drying uncomfortable on my skin, and I nod, whining and holding onto him tighter as he picks me up easier than I would’ve thought. “Shh, I know,” he’s murmuring, kissing my cheek as I shudder again. He carefully sets me down in the water, and I grab onto his arm tightly before he can pull away. “I’m coming too, I promise,” he murmurs soothingly. “Just give me a second to get these pants off, okay?” I nod, releasing him. Something about that statement feels wrong, but I can’t exactly pinpoint what it is, and I can’t be bothered to care much when he carefully pulls me up, sliding in behind me. I cuddle up to him happily, resting back against his chest as he gently shifts me, running a wet cloth over my skin. Suddenly, it occurs to me what’s wrong, and I reach back, feeling for his cock. He realizes what I’m doing and grabs my wrist. “Easy, Dean. It’s not about that. Relax.” I frown, but nod, settling back again.

A little laugh escapes me as the fog starts to clear a little. “Broke me,” I mumble, moaning softly as he massages shampoo into my hair.

“Hmm?”

“I think you broke me,” I repeat, a little clearer.

He chuckles softly. “I don’t know about that. I broke something, but you do tend to be fairly resilient.”

I laugh at that, nuzzling into his chest softly. “Holy shit, Cas. That was… I mean…Goddamn…”

He nods, gently rinsing it out. “I know. You finally gave in. That’s the most vocal you’ve ever been with me.”

“I strongly suspect that was your intention all along,” I chuckle.

He grins, kissing me softly. “It might have been. I told you you could trust me. I wouldn’t hurt you.”

“I know, baby,” I murmur. “I just…needed to be forced to try. I needed to not have another choice. And you knew that.”

He shrugs. “You always had another choice. I offered to let you go. I was just hoping that making you confront it would show you what you were doing to yourself. I’m proud of you, Dean.”

“Yeah?”

He nods. “Yeah. You finally let yourself off your leash.”

I grin, kissing along his jaw softly. “Off mine. Onto yours.”

“Fair enough,” he chuckles. “I’d still like to think mine is a much more comfortable place to be.”

I nod, hugging him tightly. “It is. Thank you. I…don’t think you’ll have any more problems getting me to let go.”

“No?”

“Don’t get me wrong, I’m still going to create problems for you,” I grin, making him laugh. “Just not that particular problem.”

He smiles, stroking through my hair softly. “I wouldn’t have it any other way.”

I nod, resting back against his chest for a moment, sighing as his palm strokes up and down along my side. “Hey Cas?” I murmur after a minute.

“Hmm?”

“I love you.”

“I love you too,” he murmurs back, gently lifting my chin to kiss me softly.

I smile, watching him for a moment. “Cas?”

“Mm?”

“Yours?”

He grins, his fingers stroking lightly over the darkening bruise on my neck. “Mine.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please remember to review! It makes me happy!
> 
> Love  
> TheSongSmith


	10. Splinter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Back with a ton of plot and also fluffs! Enjoy!

I wake up before Cas, sighing and snuggling closer to him, marveling at the lack of the usual tension I wake up with. After a couple of minutes a little bit of anxiety creeps back in, and I remember that one of those winged bastards is in the basement. _You promised_ , my brain reminds me. I attempt to settle back into sleep, but the thought won’t leave me alone, so I carefully untangle myself from him and slip out to the kitchen. Sitting down with my coffee, I pick up the same angel lore books, but I can’t manage to focus on any of them. My gaze slides toward the basement stairs, and after listening to make sure no one else is awake I have to look for myself. I go downstairs quietly, pausing outside the door. _I’m just going to look,_ I remind myself. _I have to see for myself. Just one look._

“I know you’re out there, Dean,” a soft voice says, making me jump. I take a deep breath, opening the door and taking a step inside, forcing myself to look at the man in the center of the room. Bright rings of light hold him in the chair, which I’m guessing is a gift from Gabriel. His relaxed posture is unnerving, and he grins at me. “I knew you’d be coming to see me soon. Couldn’t stay away, could you? Before you ask, my name is Ramiel, and it’s a pleasure to meet you.”

I frown, turning the name over in my head, but I can’t remember Cas ever mentioning it. My first instinct is to wipe that stupid smirk off his face, but I know I can’t yet. I take a breath, turning away and starting to walk back towards the door.

“Aren’t you curious?” he asks.

I stop, turning around. “About what?”

“What you did.”

A growl works its way up my throat. “I didn’t do a goddamn thing. You did, and you’re going to wish you didn’t.”

His smile only widens. “Oh, I’m sure. But he didn’t see me doing it. He saw you. Don’t you want to know?”

I’m about to reply when a blinding light slams its way into my head. When it fades the angel is gone and I’m looking at a twisted version of myself. The room comes into focus, and Cas is there, strapped to the table he’s drawn so many times, struggling as the other me walks closer. “No! No no no. Stop! Cas!”

I try to step forward, to stop this, but I can’t get to him no matter how hard I try. Cas looks up at my evil twin, shivering. “Dean, please…” he whispers. The other me just grins, stepping closer and picking something up off a tray that makes Cas go pale.

“Cas! Don’t touch him! Stop it!” So many instincts run through me at once, and I try my hardest to break through the barrier, to stop watching, to do anything, but it’s hopeless. “It’s not real,” I mutter to myself, wincing at Cas’ cries.

_But it was_ , the voice in my head answers.

I don’t know how long it goes on, but it feels like years when suddenly someone is shouting my name. “Dean? Dean!” Suddenly the room in the basement is back in front of me, and wide blue eyes stare down at me. I jerk back out of his grip, stumbling out of the room and only making it as far as the opposite wall before I collapse against it and slide to the floor, trying to remember how to breathe and wondering if my chest was always this tight, unable to manage more than a few gasps. I catch sight of three sets of feet through the black spots starting to crowd my vision, unable to decipher the hushed, urgent voices before two of them disappear and the third walks closer. I know he’s saying something, but I can’t hear it over the high-pitched wail that’s crowding out the words, an echo of Cas’ screams.

Suddenly there’s a hand over my mouth, muffling the broken sound enough for me to hear. “Dean, you have to stop. Listen to me. I’m right here. You need to focus on me and breathe. That’s an order. Do you understand?”

I nod, squeezing my eyes shut and reaching out, grabbing on hard to the first thing I find, which seems to be his forearm. Realizing that the screaming is not Cas’ but mine, I manage to swallow it down, and the hand over my mouth lifts, slipping down to cradle the side of my neck as he crouches down in front of me. “That’s it. Good boy. Just calm down. I’m not going anywhere, okay? Just keep breathing for me.” I manage to slow my breathing down enough that the black spots disappear, though my chest still feels too tight, and each breath still claws it’s way in and out. Slowly, I open my eyes to look up at him, finding him watching me worriedly. “Are you with me Dean?” I nod again, and his expression softens with relief. “Okay. Good.”

“Cas, you have to…I’m sorry, I can’t…please…” I manage to choke out.

“Shhh, okay, it’s okay,” he murmurs soothingly. “Do you need me to take control for a while?” I nod, a desperate little whimper escaping with the motion, and he strokes my cheek lightly. “Okay. I can do that. I’m here. Let’s take another minute to breathe, and then we’ll go upstairs. You’re okay.” After another moment I manage to loosen my grip on his arm, sure he’ll have hand-shaped bruises there later, and he takes my hand instead, his free hand stroking lightly through my hair while he waits. “Ready to try standing up?” he asks softly. I squeeze his hand tighter, letting him pull me up from the floor, only realizing how hard I’m trembling when his arm slips around my waist, holding me firmly against his side. “There you go,” he murmurs, kissing my temple softly. “Nice and easy. Lean on me. You’re doing good.”

I keep a tight grip on him as we make our way slowly up the stairs and into our room. Cas closes the door quietly behind us, and I fall to my knees when he sits down on the bed. “Come up here with me,” he orders quietly. I hesitate, and he frowns. “Dean? What is it?”

I swallow, looking down at the floor. “How do you do it, Cas?” I whisper. “How can you touch me, or even look at me, after what I did? You should hate me.”

He frowns. “Dean, you didn’t do anything.”

“Well it certainly looked like me!” I argue.

He sighs, slowly standing up, and I panic for a moment, thinking he’s going to leave, but instead he sinks down to his knees in front of me. “That’s what you were seeing?” he asks. I nod. “Dean, we both know that it wasn’t really you. I would never hold that against you, and I’m not afraid of you.” He reaches out, gently lifting my chin and kissing me softly. “You’ve never done anything to hurt me. I know that, and so do you. You have to forgive yourself.”

I swallow, shaking my head. “It’s not just that, though. Even before, I never…treated you the way I should have. You were so good, and always willing to help me, and I just pushed you away. And then when I saw what you saw, I thought…Of course you’d believe it. I’d been treating you like crap for so long, and I just…I’m sorry.”

“You were scared, Dean,” he says softly. “I understand that. I was never upset with you about it. And I know you would never hurt me like that. I love you. I’ve already forgiven you for whatever you think you did.”

I nod slowly. “But…I haven’t forgiven me.”

“Well, what can we do to make that happen?” he asks. I hesitate, looking up at him for a moment. His expression shifts as he starts to understand. “You…want me to punish you for something you didn’t do?”

“But I did do it,” I argue. “Maybe not all of it, but some of it. I hurt you. I know I did. I can’t just make it go away. Plus, I promised you I wouldn’t go down there. Couldn’t do that right either.”

He shushes me softly. “Dean, I’d be worried if you didn’t at least try to go down there.” I glance up at him, confused, and he smiles. “I know how much you love me,” he explains. “You’d do anything for me. I asked you not to go because I wanted to protect you. But there is a man in our basement who hurt me; a man I’m afraid of. And I know how much you want to hurt him so that I won’t have to be afraid. You were trying to protect me. I’m not mad.”

“Really?” I ask cautiously.

He sighs, leaning in to kiss me again. “Really. Now, stand up and come sit with me.” He gets up, offering his hand and pulling me up from the floor before settling on the bed again. I sit down beside him, cautiously shifting closer. Cas chuckles, reaching out and tugging me into his lap. “That’s better. Now, do you think we can talk about what happened?”

I nod, wrapping my arms around him and holding on tightly. “Well I…I couldn’t stop thinking about it, and I wanted to see him for myself. I was only going to look. But then he started talking, asking if I was curious about what you saw me do, and there was this white light and then I saw you, and me…God, you were so scared. I just…”

He nods, rubbing gentle circles on my back. “I understand. I’m certain he chose to show you what he thought would hurt you most. I believe he is somewhat resentful of you.”

I frown, looking up at him. “Resentful of me? Why? I’ve never even heard of him before.”

He pauses, thinking. “Perhaps I should tell you his story first. In the beginning, Ramiel was a leader among angels. He was one of the Watchers, and he was given a special task. He was responsible for divine visions.”

I nod slowly. “So that’s how he made me see that stuff.”

“Yes, it seems he still has that talent. But that was a long time ago, before he fell.”

I look up at him, surprised. “He’s a fallen angel?”

Cas nods. “The rules were…somewhat stricter back then than they are now. Ramiel and some of the others defied our father and took human mates. Many of them reproduced, resulting in a new and terrible half-breed of wild beasts. They were cast out. Upon returning to earth, they found that their animalistic offspring had destroyed everything they held dear, including their mates. The beasts were destroyed, but without their connection to heaven, nothing could be done for their mates.”

I consider it for a moment. “So he’s after me because I’m your human mate?” I ask finally.

Cas nods slowly. “More specifically, he’s after both of us because I got to keep my mate, and he did not. The rules have changed a bit over the years. When the gates were reopened, he was welcomed back. But his resentment has twisted him. When we ended up on different sides of the rebellion, I believe he saw his chance for retribution. I think he showed you what he did with the intention of convincing you to leave me for my own good.”

I frown, hugging him tighter. “I wouldn’t. I’m never leaving you.” He smiles, kissing my cheek. “So that was his goal in making you think I was hurting you. He wanted to make you afraid of me so you’d leave.”

“I believe so, yes,” he murmurs softly. “He didn’t quite count on the strength of our bond.”

“Wait,” I interrupt, “We weren’t together before this happened. How could he know?”

Cas smiles. “Perhaps not in the human sense, but my grace still burned in your soul. We were closer even as friends than any angel has ever been to a human. Grief and anger can do terrible things when they fester for so long.”

I nod slowly, looking down at my lap. “Yeah. So I hear.”

He frowns a little, sighing. “You scared me, you know,” he says quietly.

I nod. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean for things to get so out of control.” I pause, looking up at him. “How did you know I was down there? What happened?”

He shrugs. “I woke up feeling like something was wrong. And then I heard you screaming. Gabriel and Sam did too. We ran down there and saw you on the floor. So Gabriel cut the connection and you snapped out of it.”

“I guess I’ll have to thank him for that.” I frown. “I was screaming the whole time?”

He nods. “You didn’t know?”

I shake my head. “I thought I was still hearing you.” I hesitate. “So? Are you going to…?”

“Am I going to punish you, you mean?” He asks. I feel myself flush, shrugging, and he sighs softly. “I don’t know. Can you tell me why it’s so important to you?”

“It’s…complicated,” I mutter. “It’s the only way I…”

“It’s the only way you know how to be absolved,” he finishes quietly.

I nod, sneaking a glance up at him. I expect him to be upset, but really he just looks thoughtful. “I…know it doesn’t make much sense. I just…I don’t know how to forgive myself.”

“I understand,” he murmurs. “And I want to help. But I also don’t want to do this the wrong way. You’re trusting me, and I don’t want to mess it up.”

“You won’t,” I say quietly. “This is something I’m asking you to help me with. I know it’s a big thing, but I also know you’d never do this for fun.”

He sighs, watching me while he considers it. “Well…that much is true,” he says slowly. “Alright, I’ll do it. But only under three conditions. First, that you understand that I’m doing this to help you, and that I’m not angry with you over any of the things you feel you’ve done.”

I nod. “Got it. And?”

“And that you stop me if it goes too far, regardless of what you feel you deserve.”

“I can do that,” I agree. “And the last one?”

He sighs softly. “If I’m going to do this, it’s going to serve its purpose. Once I’m done, this is over. No more blaming yourself for hurting me. If this is what it takes to get you to let it go, fine, but I will not do it just so that you can continue to hold yourself at fault. Understood?”

I nod. “I swear.”

He watches me for another moment before nodding. “Okay then. Strip.”

I nod, standing shakily and shoving my sweatpants down before returning to my position on the floor. Cas takes a deep breath, reaching out to stroke through my hair gently. “Good boy. What’s your safeword, Dean?”

“Impala, Sir,” I murmur, leaning into the soft touch.

“Good. If I ever, and I mean ever, find out that you chose not to use it when you should have out of some misguided attempt to please me or your idea of what you deserve, you will be in more trouble than you’ve ever seen. And considering your past, that’s saying something. Understood?”

I nod quickly. “Yes Sir…”

He raises an eyebrow at me. “Something you’d like to say?”

I consider it for a minute before nodding. “Why is that so important to you?”

“It’s my job to decide what you deserve,” he answers. “Not yours. And I will not have you neglecting your own well-being in my name. Now, are you ready?” I swallow, giving a short nod and standing up. Cas reaches out, gripping my arm and pulling me across his lap. I tense for a moment, and he massages my lower back lightly. “Easy, Dean. It’s just me. Are you alright?”

“Yes Sir,” I murmur, forcing myself to relax. “I’m fine.”

He nods, gently running his fingers over my skin while he talks. “We’re going to do ten strokes. You’re going to count for me, okay? And once I’m done you’re absolved. If you need me to stop before ten, you need to tell me. You won’t be in trouble. Understood?”

I nod again, letting my fingers wrap around his leg as his arm settles across my lower back. I jump the first time his hand comes down, breathing out a shaky “O-One…” I make it to four before a sound of pain escapes me, but once it starts I can’t seem to make it stop.

He pauses after I whimper, rubbing at my lower back gently. “Only four more, Dean. Do you want me to stop?” I shake my head, but he doesn’t seem satisfied with that. “Dean…”

“N-No Sir, I’m okay,” I manage.

“Okay. Almost there.” I can’t help the shout that escapes me at eight, suddenly fighting for composure, and he waits until I choke out the number before moving on. By the time he reaches ten I’m a complete mess, trying desperately to hold back the sobs that gather at the bottom of my throat, which only makes them worse when they force themselves up anyway. Cas gently pulls me up and into his lap, careful to make sure that the heated red skin doesn’t come in contact with anything. “Shh, it’s okay, you’re okay,” he murmurs, holding me against his chest while I cling to him tightly. “Easy, Dean. Deep breaths. It’s over.”

“I’m s-sorry Cas…” I stammer out, unable to loosen my hold on him.

He shushes me softly, rubbing gently between my shoulder blades. “I know. But it’s done now. You’re forgiven. Just relax for me. I’ve got you.” I nod, managing to calm down a little in his firm hold. He gently wipes the wetness off my face when I look up at him, a hint of concern in his expression. “Did I go too far?” he asks softly.

I shake my head, kissing him softly. “Not at all. I think it all just kinda came out at once. Sorry.”

“It’s okay,” he murmurs. “Just checking. How do you feel?”

I consider it for a minute, grinning. “Aside from the sore ass? Surprisingly good. Better.”

“And you’ve forgiven yourself so we can move on from this?”

I nod. “Yeah, I have. Thank you for that.”

He smiles back, kissing my cheek. “Then it was worth it. I love you, Dean.” He sighs, glancing over at the clock and chuckling. “Well, we’ve had an eventful day, and it’s barely ten o’clock. You must be exhausted. Do you want to go back to sleep?”

I shake my head, frowning. “No. I don’t want to see that again.”

“You’ll have to sleep sometime, Dean,” he answers.

“I know, I will. Just…not yet. I kinda just want to relax with you for a while.”

He smiles and nods. “Alright then, let’s get you dressed and we’ll go eat breakfast.” I whimper softly at the idea of putting clothes on, and he chuckles. “Don’t worry, I’ll take care of it. Lie down.”

I nod, shifting slowly to lay on my stomach while he rummages around for a moment before settling behind me. I hiss when I feel him gently spreading something over the heated skin, and he chuckles. “Give it a minute, it’ll help.” Sure enough, whatever it is soothes the sting a little bit, and he continues rubbing it in gently for a moment.

“You know,” I muse while he works, “I don’t think I’ve ever cried this much in my entire life. You’re making me go soft.”

He smiles, leaning down to kiss each cheek lightly. “Perhaps. But you’ve also never been so happy or relaxed.”

I consider that for a minute, realizing that he’s right. “Well…I didn’t say I minded.” He chuckles, throwing a pair of sweatpants at me and smirking a little at my wince as I pull them over my sore ass. “Have you done that before or something?” I ask. “Because you have a real talent for it.”

He laughs and shrugs. “Just naturally good at it, I suppose. Come on, let’s go eat.”

He slips his fingers through mine as we walk, finding Gabriel and Sam already in the kitchen. Sam’s expression is all concern as I carefully maneuver into a chair, but Gabriel gives me a knowing smirk. I glare at him, daring him to say anything. “Morning Dean. How are you feeling?” Sam asks, oblivious as usual.

“I’m fine, Sam, I promise,” I answer, digging into my breakfast.

“I told you Cas would take care of him,” Gabriel says, nudging his shoulder.

I sigh, swallowing another bite of food and steadfastly ignoring Cas’ grin.

After breakfast, when Sam and Cas disappear into the kitchen to wash dishes, I finally get Gabriel alone. “Hey, Gabriel?” He looks up from where he’s playing with the corner of the tablecloth. “Thanks for helping me out before.”

He smiles, nodding. “Yeah, no problem. Glad you’re alright. He could’ve done some serious damage.”

“Yeah. I think he tried,” I murmur. He nods again, getting up from his chair. “Hey. Um…about the…other thing…” I glance over to the kitchen. “He doesn’t know?”

He shakes his head. “Nah, he was kinda mad, so I took him outside to cool down. I figured you’d need your space.”

“Oh. Well, thanks. That was…thoughtful of you.”

He shrugs. “It’s okay. I get it.” I raise an eyebrow at him, but he doesn’t elaborate, watching me thoughtfully for a moment. “Take a walk with me?” he says finally. I nod, following him down the hall until we’re far enough away from Sam and Cas. “Okay, look. I know you think I’m the bad guy here. And I can’t really blame you, considering our history. But I’m working on it. And it worries me that you’re so afraid of other people finding out.”

I sigh, leaning back against the wall. “It’s not just other people. It’s mostly just Sam. I’m his big brother. I’m supposed to be this big, tough guy. I’m not supposed to enjoy being ordered around and taking it up the ass and whatever. I mean, God, I asked to be spanked today. If he ever found out…”

“If he found out…what? Dean you’d still be all those things. You’d still be his big brother. I mean sure, he’s never wanted to know the details of your sex life, but if he happened to find out that you were doing something that made you happy, I doubt he’d think any less of you. He’s noticed how much happier you are lately. He thinks it’s because of Cas, but I know better. It’s because you finally learned how to stop holding onto everything for dear life. And I’m happy for you. So is Sam.”

I let out a breath, slightly annoyed that he makes so much sense. “I know. I know you’re right. But I just…it freaks me out, okay? What if he doesn’t understand?”

“I don’t think you give him enough credit,” he answers. “Sam can understand a lot of things. I’m not saying you should invite him to watch or anything. Though I wouldn’t be opposed to taking his place.” I roll my eyes at him, and he chuckles. “Really though. You don’t have to put it on the news. But at least stop panicking about being outed. He’s still going to love you. You’re not doing anything wrong. You’re not hurting anyone. And there’s so many people out there doing the exact same thing and enjoying it. We can’t all be insane, right?”

I pause for a moment, watching him. “We?” I repeat. “Are you trying to tell me that you…”

“Not that it matters,” he answers quickly. “But if you think I’ve been around this long and never tried it…”

“With my brother?”

He hesitates. “Do you really want me to answer that?” I consider it for a moment, then shake my head. “That’s what I thought. All I’m saying is, I understand. You’re not the only one who needs to let go sometimes. But it’s nothing to freak out about.”

I sigh, nodding finally. “Okay, I get it. But I swear if you hurt my brother…”

He holds his hands up defensively. “Hey, your brother is a big boy. He wouldn’t let me do anything to him he didn’t like. He’s just less concerned with your macho man image than you.”

“Gabriel!”

He laughs, shaking his head. “I’m not saying anything else. But I mean it about that invitation. I could give your precious little Cassie a lesson or two.”

I manage a growl at him, hearing him chuckle as he walks away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, yeah. "Ramiel" was a name used in one of the Supernatural spinoff book things, and I liked the name, so then I went and looked him up and found out he was in charge of divine visions and that he fell, and I figured that was pretty much perfect. I love when the universe works! Anyways, remember to review and let me know if you liked it!
> 
> Love,  
> TheSongSmith


	11. Forever

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My dear sweet readers. I am so very sorry it's been so long. I didn't even realize how long it's been! The good news is that I've been working hard on some new stuff, but I have not forsaken you! More on that at the bottom, but for now, enjoy!

I wake up in the morning to a light tickling sensation moving across my chest. Assuming that it’s Cas’ hair, I try to brush it away and snuggle closer to him, but something soft is in my way, and the feeling doesn’t go away. Blinking groggily, I slowly adjust to the light only to find a sea of inky black feathers between us. I don’t have too long to consider this, because Cas starts to stir, turning over. He smiles when he opens his eyes and sees me, then frowns at my expression of shock as his wings shake themselves out behind him. “Dean? Are you alright?” he asks cautiously.

I swallow, trying to figure out my answer. “I…yeah, I guess…it’s just that…you have wings…”

He frowns at me, perplexed, before glancing back over his shoulder. When he turns back, his expression mirrors mine. “I…don’t understand,” he murmurs finally.

“Yeah, that makes two of us,” I answer. “I thought you didn’t have your grace.”

“I don’t. This doesn’t make any sense. I shouldn’t have them at all, and you certainly shouldn’t be seeing them like this…”

Showing what I can only consider agitation at his mood, Cas’ wings flap and spread wide, the feathers flaring out. Extending several feet to either side, the wings are quite a sight, and even though I know this is not how they’re supposed to be seen, I can’t help but be a little awed. Slowly, I reach out, burying my fingers in the soft feathers. Cas gasps sharply, and I pull back. “Sorry. Did I hurt you?”

He swallows, then shakes his head. “N-No…actually it was rather…pleasant.”

“You sure?” I ask cautiously. “You seem a little shaky there.”

He nods. “Yes. They’re just…sensitive. They haven’t really been touched. Not since I was a child.”

I frown at that, considering it. “I didn’t know angels were children at some point. So angels don’t ever have their wings touched?”

He shrugs a little. “Everything in creation must grow, Dean. When we are young…fledglings, if you will, and our wings appear, our families will groom them for us. “

“You have families?” I interrupt. “That’s something I’d never considered.”

“Not in the same way you do,” he explains. “But we have groups of…caretakers, I suppose. Angels who look after the young ones. You can ask Gabriel, he was one of mine.”

I chuckle at the mental image that pops into my head. “What I wouldn’t do for those baby pictures.”

“Anyway,” he continues, “as I was saying, it is very rare for older angels to groom one another. Our true wings can be very fragile. It takes a great deal of trust to allow another to do it. Usually, it only happens between mates with very strong bonds.”

I hadn’t considered that angels had mates either. While I wonder at all the things I never thought about, I watch as his feathers twitch and move. When I glance back to him he’s watching me nervously. I stroke his cheek lightly, leaning in to kiss him softly. “Hey, it’s alright. We’ll figure this out, okay?”

“It…doesn’t bother you?” he asks cautiously.

I shake my head. “Cas, after everything we’ve been through, this is way down on the list of things that bother me. As long as they don’t try to kill me, we’re good. Actually, they’re kinda cool.” He nods, but still looks worried, and an idea starts to form in my head. I sit up, pulling him up with me. “Come here. Turn around.”

He obeys, though he glances back at me nervously. “Dean? What are you doing?”

I smile reassuringly, kissing the back of his neck softly. “Trust me?” He swallows and nods. “Okay. Then relax.” I scoot closer behind him, taking in the sight of his wings for a moment before slowly sliding my hands up along his spine until they reach the spot between his shoulder blades where the feathers start. Very carefully, I let my fingers brush against them, feeling him shudder. “Don’t let me hurt you,” I murmur. “Stop me if it’s too much.”

“Okay,” he breathes, pressing back slightly as I gently stroke the feathers, straightening out the crooked ones. Something like a purr rumbles out of his chest as I press deeper, watching him carefully as his head tips forward, relaxing. Soft, pleased sounds escape him as I work my way slowly from base to tip, and though he trembles, I’m fairly sure that now it’s more out of pleasure than fear. I wince as a few loose ones drift down to the bedspread, but he doesn’t seem to notice, or at least it doesn’t seem to hurt him. “Dean…” he moans quietly.

“Hmm?”

He pants harshly for a moment. “Don’t stop,” he manages finally. “Please…”

A choked whimper escapes him as I press soft kisses along his spine, moving to the other wing. “I won’t. Just relax.” Now I can feel him pressing back against my palms, marveling at how the soft feathers move smoothly through my fingers. “I’ve always wondered what this might be like,” I admit, nipping at the back of his neck. His wings start to twitch in earnest, and erratic shudders wrack his frame as he moans in response. “You’re so beautiful, Cas,” I murmur softly. Suddenly I feel every muscle in his wings tense as he makes another strangled sound before they go limp under my hands. He falls back against me, chest heaving and a light tremble still running through him. I hold him close until he calms down, careful not to crush his wings between us in the process. When he slowly looks up at me, his eyes are wide, his expression shocked. “Are you alright?” I ask cautiously. He nods, swallowing hard. “Okay. Did you just…have an orgasm from me touching your wings?”

A sudden laugh bursts out of him, slightly hysterical, but it helps me relax a little. “Not quite. But that’s probably the best comparison. That’s never happened to me before.”

“You mean…it doesn’t always feel like that?”

He shakes his head, turning around to face me and pressing close. “Not exactly. Grooming is always an affectionate gesture. I have heard that in older angels it can feel different, but I didn’t expect it to be quite so strong or…intimate.” I can’t help but grin at that, and he looks at me curiously. “Why did you decide to do that?”

I shrug a little. “I don’t know really. I just…really wanted to touch them. And when you said that they haven’t been touched in…probably centuries, I just…I had to. You seemed to enjoy it.”

Cas chuckles softly, hugging me tightly. “I did. I love you, Dean.”

“I love you too. You sure you’re okay?”

“I’m wonderful,” he answers, sighing softly. “Though, there is still the matter of why they’re here. It doesn’t make any sense.”

I shrug, kissing his cheek softly. “Maybe Gabriel will know what’s going on. But I don’t see it being anything dangerous.”

He nods. “You’re probably right. But I’d still like to find out. It’s just odd.”

I hear a shuffling out in the kitchen, stretching slightly. “Well it sounds like they’re up. We can go ask.” Cas nods reluctantly, but doesn’t seem willing to let go of me. “Cas? I can come with you, you know…”

He flushes, nodding and pulling away, though not far. “Sorry.”

I chuckle, pulling on pants and wrapping an arm around him. “It’s okay. Come on flyboy, let’s see what’s going on.”

There’s a loud gasp from Sam when we walk into the kitchen, and it’s enough to make Gabriel turn around. He takes in Cas’ wingspan for a moment before a wide grin spreads over his face. “Oh Cassie, you naughty boy. You got it bad, don’t you?”

Cas goes red, and Sam frowns in confusion. “Gabriel,” I warn, but he gets up, walking closer. Cocking his head to the side, he reaches out, touching Cas’ forehead lightly before gasping and jumping back. “What?” I ask cautiously.

“You let him _groom_ you?” he asks, incredulous.

Cas goes even redder, and I frown at the thought that Gabriel has seen what happened. For some reason it seems intensely personal, and I can’t help but pull Cas closer. Cas doesn’t say anything. “Is someone going to tell me what’s going on?” I ask, irritated.

“Well it seems that little Cassie here has finally claimed a mate. And I thought I’d never live to see the day,” he chuckles.

Sam’s eyes widen a little behind him, but he doesn’t say anything. “A _mate_?” I repeat. “What the hell does that mean? You mean me?”

Gabriel smirks. “Well don’t act so surprised, Dean. It looks like you’ve chosen him back. The wings are an invitation of sorts. And you accepted.”

“But…that doesn’t make sense,” I insist. “I’m not an angel.”

“Neither am I,” Cas murmurs, shaking the shock away finally. “Not anymore.”

Gabriel makes a thoughtful sound. “I wouldn’t be so sure. You’re powerless, sure, but on a basic, instinctual level, you’re still an angel. That’s all this is. It’s just…modified to fit your human form.”

“But…why now?” I ask. “We’ve been together for months now.”

Gabe chuckles. “Yeah, well, you’re a tough nut to crack Dean. I think you finally let that last bit of resistance go, and Cas’ instincts responded. Did he tell you what it means for an angel to allow someone else to touch their wings?”

I nod slowly, glancing over at Cas, who’s watching me cautiously. “Yeah, he did. So it’s not going to hurt him or anything?”

“Don’t worry so much, Dean. Your little mute over here will be just fine. I think he’ll even be able to control them soon. There’s nothing wrong with him.” He pauses. “Well, I shouldn’t say nothing, but you get the idea. He’s fine. The only thing that’s going to hurt him is spending even more time around you than usual.”

I ignore his last comment, nodding and tightening my hold around his waist. “Okay. Thanks.” Cas grabs my wrist, tugging until I follow him back into our room. He’s quiet, and I frown at the tension in his shoulders. “Cas? What’s wrong?”

He paces the floor for a minute before looking up at me. “Dean…I’m sorry. I didn’t realize…if I’d known I never would have let you…”

“What on earth are you talking about?” I ask, puzzled at his sudden anxiousness. “The mate thing?”

He shakes his head, sighing. “I should have realized…I shouldn’t have let you…you didn’t even know what you were doing…”

“Cas. Castiel. Cas, baby, stop,” I murmur, reaching out and grabbing him by the shoulders, stopping his pacing. “Take a breath, okay? Have you noticed that I’m not upset?” He considers this for a moment, frowning. “Baby, it’s okay. Alright, yes, I didn’t realize what I was doing at the time. But it’s nothing bad.”

He looks away from me, but doesn’t pull out of my grasp. “You don’t understand, Dean. It’s a big deal. Mating is forever. It was wrong of me to allow you to commit to that without knowing. I’m so – ”

That’s all he gets out before I pull his chin up, kissing him hard to shut him up. He makes a surprised sound, but stays quiet when I let him go. “Cas, you’re not listening to me. Now, sit down and let me talk.” He nods slowly, taking a seat on the bed in front of me when I gently push him back towards it. “Do you think I did all this work for a casual lay? You know how strongly I’ve held onto my walls all these years. No one ever gets past them. No one except you. And do you know why that is?” He shakes his head a little. “It was a lot of work to get here, Cas,” I murmur. “And I wouldn’t have let you in if it wasn’t what I wanted. I want you, Cas. I want forever. It was terrifying and so, so hard to do that, but I changed because I want this. I trust you more than anything. I want forever with you. This is my choice, and I made it long before any of this happened. Do you understand?”

He considers it for a moment, and I watch the tension leave him as he reaches out. I smile, walking closer and wrapping my arms around him when he leans forward, resting his forehead against my chest. “Yes, I understand. Sorry for freaking out.”

“It’s okay,” I chuckle. “As long as you’re not still freaking out.”

He smiles, shaking his head. “I’m not. Though I wouldn’t mind another kiss…”

I laugh, sinking down on the bed and pulling him closer, kissing him softly. “I don’t think that will be a problem.”

He grins, cuddling closer. “Forever is a long time, you know.”

I nod, kissing his cheek softly. “I know. It’s a new adventure, that’s for sure. But it’s going to be a good one.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Huzzah! So I promise I have not forgotten you. This chapter has been in the works for a while, but with the end of school and my new project things have been a little crazy. I started outlining what will be a new Destiel fic, and I somehow ended up with 9,500 words of it so far. But I didn't want you to think I was never coming back! I'm still very much working on this story, and soon you'll have a brand-new one that I think you're going to like.
> 
> As always, please please review! I love hearing from you guys so much. And I promise I'll be back with a new chapter soon!
> 
> Love,  
> TheSongSmith


	12. Hunt

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello my lovely readers! We're back with a new chapter. This one is in Cas' POV; thought I'd switch it up a bit this time. Enjoy!

“You know, I’ve been thinking,” Dean starts.

Sam snorts. “Really? Did it hurt?”

Dean scowls at him. “Asshole.” Sam chuckles from his chair, glancing away from the movie on TV. Dean huffs and shifts a little, adjusting his feet on the coffee table. When the nice feeling of his fingers in my hair stops I glance up at him from where my head rests in his lap until he smiles and continues his absent stroking. “As I was _saying_ ,” he says, “It’s been a really long time since we’ve been on a hunt.”

Sam’s smile falters a little, but he nods. “Yeah, I guess it has. I kinda forgot how long it’s been. We were all trying to adjust to everything here.”

Dean glances down at me again, as if to say _I think we’ve adjusted,_ and I purr softly, pressing closer and making him laugh. “I know what you mean. I haven’t really thought about it much either.”

“Do you…miss it?” Sam asks cautiously.

Dean doesn’t answer for a minute, and I watch him struggle with an answer. “I don’t know,” he sighs finally. “I mean, it’s kinda nice, doing our own thing. I like being here. But…”

Sam nods. “But it’s weird too. Hunting is our job. It’s what we’ve always done,” he finishes.

“Yeah, exactly.”

“So what do you want to do?” Sam asks.

Dean frowns a little. “I don’t think we’ll ever give it up completely. Honestly, I think we’d both go crazy if we tried. But…we’ve put in our time, haven’t we? I mean, how many times are we gonna save the world? Maybe it’s someone else’s turn. We’re not getting any younger, Sammy.”

Sam snorts. “Speak for yourself, grandpa.”

“I’m serious,” Dean insists. “Look, on some level, I do miss it. But I also…I like this. This weird family thing we have going on here. We can start taking more local cases. Lord knows there’s enough of them. And we’ll give the other ones to someone else. Let them step up for a change. Maybe…now that we have a home, we can stick a little closer to it.”

Sam nods thoughtfully. “Yeah,” he says after a moment. “It’s a good idea. Okay. We’ll start looking around for something tomorrow. I’m going to bed. Try not to defile the couch, ‘kay?”

Dean answers with a half-hearted growl, watching him disappear. “Dean?” I say cautiously once he’s gone.

He glances down. “Yeah?”

“Do you really…miss it? That life?”

He hesitates. “Honestly? I don’t know. I think so. Not because it was so great or glamorous or anything, but…It’s what I’ve always done. Since I was a little kid. I don’t think I know how to not do it. I figured I would just do it until my time was up. But then we found you, and…” I frown at that, and he sighs. “You know I don’t mean it like that. I didn’t stop doing something I like because of you. You just…you showed me something else that I like more. I really, really like being here with you, and Sam, and even Gabriel. Don’t tell him I said that. But…we’re a family now. I wouldn’t give that up for anything.”

I nod, sitting up and turning to face him. “I understand, Dean. You know I’ve never wanted you to give up your life for my sake. But…I’m not sure I’m okay with this plan.”

He smiles, wrapping an arm around my shoulders. “I kinda figured as much. You worry too much. I’ll be okay, Cas. I’m always okay.”

“Not always,” I murmur. “I don’t want to see you get hurt.”

“I know. But I can be careful,” he answers. “Why don’t you come with us? It’d be good to have you there.”

I frown again, sighing. “Dean, I’m not an angel anymore. I’m no longer an asset to you.”

A strange, soft growl escapes him. “You are still an angel. And you’re still an asset,” he insists. “Cas, I don’t care whether you have powers or not. That doesn’t matter to me. Besides, you can still keep an eye out for me, probably better than anyone. The three of us are better than two of us any day. Besides, I’d…I’d like it if you came along.”

“You would?” I ask cautiously. He nods. “Okay then. I will.”

Something in him relaxes a little, and he nods. “Good.” Smiling a little, he leans closer, softly pressing his lips to mine. “Come on. I can think of a lot of fun things we can do in bed.” 

 

* * *

 

And that’s how we ended up here. An “easy” hunt, as Dean assured me many times, something to get them back in the swing of things, turned out to be predictably complicated, as usual when the Winchesters are involved. All my fears come true and once, and I try to swallow them down as Sam and I half-carry a bleeding Dean into a small, empty shed. Sam starts protecting the door while I set Dean down, trying not to notice his sharp gasp as he settles on the floor. The bullet is deep in his thigh, and despite the tough façade he’s working hard to maintain, Dean’s grip on my hand is tight and desperate as Sam kneels beside him. He flinches as Sam’s hand rests on his leg, trying to steady him, and Sam gives me a worried look before starting to cut through the fabric around the wound. Dean presses back against my chest, and I can feel him starting to tremble. I press closer, offering what comfort I can while Sam examines him. He sighs softly, glancing up and frowning at Dean’s pale complexion. “If we were anywhere close to civilization, I’d say we’d tie it up and wait to get you to a hospital. But I don’t think we have that option. Not being so far, and with that thing still out there. I’m sorry, man, but we have to get it out.”

Dean grows paler, if possible, and starts to shake harder. “No,” he says softly, terror quickly saturating his voice. “No, Sammy, please. You can’t. I can’t…”

“We have to,” Sam answers gently. “I know you don’t like it, and I’m sorry, but we don’t have another choice. We’d have to carry you back to the car, and even if we made it, you’d bleed out before we got you to a hospital. I’m sorry. I’ll be as gentle as I can.”

But Dean doesn’t seem to be listening. When I hear the sharp wheeze I frown, carefully shifting so I can see him. “Dean? What’s wrong? I need you to tell me what’s happening.”

He shakes his head hard, expression clearly panicked. “I can’t, Cas. I can’t. Don’t, please…”

“Shh, okay, no one’s touching you yet. Breathe,” I remind him softly. “Listen. I’m going to talk to Sam for a minute, and we’ll figure out what to do. Just stay calm and breathe, okay?”

Hesitantly, he nods, his eyes slipping closed as I motion Sam farther away. “What’s wrong with him?” I murmur. “I’ve never seen him do this before.”

Sam sighs softly. “He doesn’t, usually. But he knows I’m going to have to cauterize the wound, and some of this probably reminds him of some bad memories that happened a long time ago. We don’t have a choice, Cas, if we don’t do it he’s as good as dead. And we need to do it soon.”

I sigh, glancing back at him. “I understand. Just…give me a minute to speak with him. Maybe I can get him to calm down.”

Slowly, I walk back over, sitting beside him. “Dean.” He glances up immediately, as I hoped he would when I chose that tone, the one he affectionately named “Cas’ ass-kicking voice.” Though still obviously frightened, at least he’s listening. “I know you’re scared,” I start.

“I’m…I’m not…” he starts mumbling in protest.

“Dean.” He quiets, flushing. “I know you’re scared,” I start again. “That’s okay. But everything is going to be okay. Do you trust me?”

“Yes Sir,” he whispers.

I can feel Sam’s curious gaze on my back, and I know he’s heard, but I ignore it for now. “Good boy. So I need you to trust me when I say that you can do this. We have to fix you, Dean. But we’re going to get through it together. I’m right here. Can you try to stay calm for me?” He nods again, though reluctantly, and I slip behind him, leaning back against my chest. His breathing is still too tight, but I wrap my arms around him, murmuring soft praises, and after a moment he starts to relax into me. He’s nothing If not well-trained. “That’s it. Good boy. I’ve got you. You’re okay.”

I wave Sam over, who carefully settles his weight down over Dean’s leg to hold it still. Dean flinches at first, but doesn’t panic. “I’ll be as gentle and quick as I can, okay?” he says softly. “Just me and Cas. We’re not gonna let anything happen to you. Deep breath, okay?”

Dean turns a little to bury his face against my chest, shuddering as I hold him tighter, partly to give him comfort and partly to keep him still. He cries out as Sam starts digging the point of his knife into the wound, searching for the bullet, and the sound hurts. One of his hands starts to reach out, and I grab it, squeezing it hard. “Almost there, Dean, you’re doing good,” I murmur over his cries. “Sam, hurry.”

“I’m trying,” he answers. “Almost got it…” Dean yelps again, but finally the bullet comes out, rolling along the floor and leaving a trail of red in its wake.

I stroke a hand through his hair as he quiets, whimpering softly. “Good boy. You’re doing so good,” I murmur. “Just a little more and then we can go home.”

He shivers, eyes opening groggily as he searches out his brother. “Sam…Whiskey?” he murmurs.

Sam’s expression tightens, and he holds up a flask, shaking it so he can hear the hollow splashing noise. “You know I would give it to you if there was enough to make any difference,” he says sheepishly. “There’s barely a sip, and we need it to sterilize the wound. I promise when we get home we’ll make it feel better. Now, I’m going to have Cas take your pants off for you, okay?” Dean whines, confused. “I don’t want to set them on fire, and it’ll be easier to wrap it up later. It’s alright. Trust us.” He shivers, but nods, and stays quiet as I go to undo his belt. I manage to slide them down far enough without hurting him too much, pressing soft kisses along his neck when he flinches. He hisses as Sam pours the alcohol over his leg, watching with wide eyes as the tip of his knife starts to glow orange in the flame. Sam finds a strip of fabric, folding it up and handing it to me. “He needs something to bite down on so he doesn’t hurt himself,” he explains.

I nod, hooking my arms under his to be able to hold the rag in place while keeping his still, noticing that his shaking has gone up a notch. “It’s alright, Dean,” I murmur, kissing his cheek. “I know you’re scared, but we’ve got you. It’s almost over.”

Sam gives me a nod, so I carefully work the fabric between his teeth, feeling him clamp down on it. Dean screams behind the gag when the hot metal is pressed to his skin, pulling against our hold as much as he can manage. I hold him tighter, trying not to think about the horrible smell that’s slowly travelling through the room. “Okay, we’re done,” Sam says quickly. “Easy, Dean. It’s done.”

I gently work the gag out of his mouth, and it’s followed closely by a sob as he turns to press his face against my neck. I shush him softly, rubbing gently along his spine as his grip on me tightens. “Shh, you’re okay,” I murmur, kissing his temple. “Dean, you’re okay. It’s all over. I’m so proud of you. Just relax now. I’ve got you. Breathe.”

He’s still shaking hard when there’s a soft flutter in the room, and Gabriel appears, oddly out of breath. “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry,” he says immediately. “I tried to find you as fast as I could. I just…” His expression twists a little as he looks back at Dean, who’s still trembling and whimpering in my lap. Slowly, he walks closer, crouching down beside us and giving me an apologetic look. I nod, and he lifts a hand, stroking it lightly through Dean’s hair. “Sleep now, big guy,” he murmurs, watching as Dean falls limp and quiet against me, his expression uncharacteristically sympathetic. “I’m sorry,” Gabriel says again. “I would’ve helped if I could…”

Sam sighs, nodding. “I know you would, Gabe. It’s okay. At least you’re here now.”

I glance up to Sam, thinking about something he said earlier. “Sam? Can you tell me what this was about?” I ask, motioning to the unconscious man in my lap.

He frowns a little. “I can’t say for sure. But if I had to guess? I think it had to do with the first time this happened. You ever wonder how we learned to do this?”

I think about it for a moment. “Your father, I assume?”

“Yeah. Well, he wasn’t exactly the most comforting person, and Dean was a lot smaller back when he started. Basically just held the kid down and did it. I don’t know what about today set him off, but I think that’s why he was so scared.” He pauses for a minute. “What about you? Does he usually…call you Sir?”

I shrug. “Only sometimes. It…helps him. He doesn’t wish for you to know. But I had to get him focused before he worked himself into a complete panic.”

Sam nods. “Thanks. I won’t mention it. Gabe, you think you can get us home?”

He nods, and suddenly we’re back in the bunker. “Car’s in the garage, before you ask.” He looks over to where I still hold Dean, holding a hand out. “May I?” I nod, and suddenly Dean is wiped clean of the dirt and sweat, his wound healed over. “There. At least now he won’t be in pain when he wakes up.”

“Thank you, Gabriel. I’m going to put him to bed. I’m sure he’ll appreciate that.” He nods, and I carry Dean down the hall, carefully setting him down in bed and sitting beside him. He’s out cold for several hours before starting to stir, groaning softly. “Dean?” I ask cautiously.

He blinks for a moment, then cringes. “Cas?” he breathes.

“Yes, it’s me. Are you okay?”

He sighs. “Hurts…”

“What hurts?” I ask, puzzled. “Your leg?”

“My head,” he mumbles. He rubs at his face for a moment, then goes tense. “My leg doesn’t hurt. Why doesn’t my leg hurt?”

I shush him softly, smoothing a hand through his hair. “It’s okay, Gabriel fixed it. You had a rough day. Here.” I hold out the painkillers and glass of water on the table, and he takes them gratefully.

“Thanks. Did I pass out or something?”

“Not exactly,” I explain. “You were pretty out of it when Gabriel found us. He knocked you out so you wouldn’t feel anything.”

He frowns slightly. “Well that was…weirdly nice of him.”

I chuckle, nodding. “He seems to feel quite guilty about not arriving in time to spare you. I think he sees you as something of a kindred spirit.” He thinks that over for a moment, cuddling closer as I kiss his forehead. “Are you really okay?” I ask after a minute.

He nods sheepishly. “Yeah. I’m sorry for freaking out on you. I don’t know what happened.”

“Sam told me about what your father did,” I murmur. “I can understand why it would scare you, after that.”

He’s saved from having to answer by the soft knock on the door. Gabriel peeks in anxiously. “Hey. Can I come in?” Dean nods, propping himself up on one elbow as Gabriel closes the door behind him. “So…you feeling okay?”

Dean nods, amused at his anxiety. “Um…yeah. Thanks to you, apparently. Thanks for helping me out.”

Gabriel shrugs. “Sure. I wish I’d gotten there sooner, before you’d…”

“It’s okay,” Dean interrupts. “I don’t expect you to show up and save the day all the time. What you did was…very kind. More than I expected. So thank you.”

Gabriel rubs at the back of his neck nervously. “Yeah, well…I kinda get it. When you live as a trickster, you get caught up in some less than pleasant situations. I know what it’s like to have memories like that.”

Slowly, a small smile breaks on Dean’s face. “I guess you’re not so bad after all.”

“I try,” Gabriel chuckles. “So…we okay?”

Dean nods. “Yeah. We’re good.”

“Okay then. I’ll let you rest.”

He disappears, and Dean looks at me. “That was weird, right?”

I chuckle. “Yes, a little. But it was nice to see you two get along.”

Dean sighs, pressing his cheek over my heart before sitting up suddenly, wincing at the movement. “Did I…did I call you ‘Sir’ in front of Sam?”

I hesitate, and he groans. “It’s alright, Dean. I spoke to him; he won’t say anything about it. Besides, it would be highly hypocritical of him to tease you when he and Gabriel-”

“Ahh!” Dean interrupts. “Stop right there. Little brother’s sex life. Don’t wanna know.”

I shake my head at him. “Well the point is, you have nothing to worry about. Except maybe the fact that you promised me you’d be careful.”

He sighs softly, nodding. “I know. And I was. But sometimes hunts just go bad. I’m sorry.” He pauses. “Do you…want me to stop hunting?”

I watch him for a moment, then shake my head. “Dean, I’m in no position to forbid you from doing anything. Not in this capacity, at least. Not only do I think you wouldn’t listen if I tried, but hunting is important to you. It wouldn’t be right of me to ask you to stop. But I would like to propose a compromise.”

“I’m listening,” he answers cautiously.

“I want to take Gabriel with us next time. I don’t like seeing you hurt.”

He nods slowly, thinking. “Winchester family hunting trip, huh? Okay. I can live with that.” I nod, tilting his chin up to kiss him softly. When he pulls away, he grins. “So, do I get punished for not being careful enough?”

I chuckle softly. “I’m thinking about it. Actually, I’m thinking about…how did you put it last time? Fucking you into the mattress until you remember why it’s important you stay alive.” Dean groans into the pillow. “I take it you’re not opposed?”

He laughs. “Well, I _do_ have to learn my lesson…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! Remember to drop me a line if you like it!
> 
> Love,  
> TheSongSmith


	13. Ache

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello my friends! Things have been busy with the start of school, but I haven't forgotten you. This chapter is a little short, and it turned out a little angsty, but I kinda like it. Let me know what you think!

In the morning, I wake up to find Dean already awake, frowning at the ceiling. I press closer to him, frowning as he tenses and sits up, getting out of bed. “Dean? Are you alright?”

“Fine,” he answers quietly, grabbing his jacket. “I need some air.”

“Give me a minute, I’ll come with you.”

He shakes his head. “No…no, it’s fine.” Without a second glance he hurries out of the room, and after a minute I hear the main door close.

I sit there for a moment, surprised, before going out to the kitchen to find Sam sitting at the table. He glances up, sliding a cup of coffee over to me. “Morning.”

“Have I…done something wrong?” I ask cautiously.

Sam smiles sympathetically. “Ah, so you had the pleasure of talking to Dean this morning? No, Cas, it’s not you. He just gets like that sometimes. It’s our dad’s birthday today.”

I frown, trying to understand what he’s implying. “It is my understanding that birthdays are happy celebrations.”

“They are,” he answers, “usually, at least. But…when a person dies, they can be sad too. And when that person was kind of an asshole to you your whole life…it brings up a lot of things he doesn’t want to think about.”

I nod thoughtfully, glancing at the door. “I was under the impression that Dean and your father were rather close. Was that not true?”

Sam hesitates. “It was,” he says finally. “In a way, I guess. But…” He glances to the door, sighing. “Okay, but you can’t tell him I told you this. He’ll kill me if he knows.”

“Of course,” I assure him. “I won’t tell him.”

He nods, sighing. “Look, Dad tried, I guess, but he had a lot to deal with. He wasn’t the best parent, and Dean tried to shield me from a lot of things, which meant that he got a lot more dumped on him than any child could handle, and he never figured out how to let it go. Dad put too much on him. He basically just made Dean raise me. And he wasn’t exactly a grateful person, or the kind of dad that told you you did a good job or you mattered or whatever. Dean always wanted his approval. And when he didn’t get it, he just worked harder and harder at trying to be who dad wanted. He tried so hard to make Dad proud. We had some good times too, but…what he did…Honestly, I think it really hurt Dean. He never talks about it, but I think there’s still a lot of pain there that he’s remembering today, and you know how he deals with pain.”

I nod. “He pushes people away.”

“Exactly,” he sighs. “That’s the problem with measuring yourself by the opinions of others. In Dean’s eyes, he was never good enough to please dad, and that’s sort of translated to being not good enough in general. And when he starts to remember those feelings he feels vulnerable, and he pushes people away so that he won’t get hurt again.”

Suddenly I remember every time Dean has asked why I love him; every compliment and gentle touch he’s shied away from. He’s grown so much, but the seeds of his own self-loathing are still there. “That’s why he thinks so lowly of himself?” I murmur.

Sam shrugs. “I’m not a professional or anything, but I’ve always thought so. He…doesn’t believe that he’s worthy of things like positive attention or love or happiness anymore. He used to talk about it in his sleep. He’d just beg and argue with dad in his dreams, and I’d have to pretend I was asleep when he woke up crying.”

“You’ve never spoken to him about it?”

He shakes his head. “Usually I just take cover until it’s over. He’d never talk to me about his feelings. You’ve seen how he gets. Honestly, since you’ve been here he’s been better than I’ve ever seen him. Is that really a conversation you want to have?”

I consider it for a moment. “It is, if it gets him to let go of this idea that he’s worthless.”

Sam smiles. “Well then, good luck. I don’t know how you’ll do it. I know he’s been opening up about stuff, but his issues with dad are guarded more closely than Fort Knox. I don’t know why, but it’s the touchiest subject he has.”

I nod, thinking about it. “I may have an idea. It’s worth a shot.” Just then, Dean returns, avoiding all eye contact as he storms down the hall, slamming the bedroom door behind him. “I’d better get started.”

I debate going to talk to him first, but decide that the uncertainty of the situation requires a back-up plan. Thankfully, my project is almost done, so it only takes a few hours to finish it. Dean doesn’t emerge from his room, even when Sam tries to coerce him, asking loudly from the kitchen if maybe Dean needs to get laid. The muffled _fuck you_ is the only response, so I take a deep breath and knock softly on the door before I open it. Dean wears the same stormy expression as this morning, and it’s clear he’s been pacing back and forth for hours. He looks up sharply when the door opens, his frown deepening. “What?”

I shrug, closing it behind me. “Just thought I’d see what you’re doing.”

“Nothing,” he replies tensely. “Is that all?”

“Doesn’t look like nothing,” I point out. “You look upset.”

He growls, glaring at me. “Do I?” he mutters. “Is that why you’re here? You’re trying to shrink me? You should go get Sam, then the two of you can stand here and psychoanalyze me and my daddy issues! Lord knows it’s his favorite game! I’ll bet he can give you some guidebooks too.”

I keep my voice carefully neutral as I step closer. He may be yelling, but at least he’s releasing something. “Dean, I’m here because I care about you, and it upsets me to know that you’re hurting. Will you talk to me about it?”

His eyes narrow, and I watch as something in him snaps, starting to unravel. “Talk to you about _what_ , Cas?” he spits. “You want me to sit here and cry to you because daddy didn’t love me? You can fuck off, okay? You have no idea what it’s like. None of you do! You don’t know what it’s like to be a five year old with a dead mom and a baby to take care of in between shooting lessons, because by the way, every fucking thing in the universe wants to kill you! You don’t know what it’s like to tell your brother that monsters aren’t real and then wake yourself up screaming every night! Or to keep it to yourself when dad should’ve been home three days ago, and he’s either drunk off his ass or dead somewhere! You have no idea how it feels to not have anyone to talk to about your life, because they’ll either put you in a strait jacket or take away the only family you have left. Or to have every relationship you’ve ever had be doomed to fail because you can’t tell anyone anything true about yourself. Have you ever flunked out of school to see if anyone would _fucking_ notice? Because they didn’t, and I’m not fucking stupid, Cas, okay?!” His teeth clench, and hot tears of frustration form in his eyes. “I did everything anyone ever asked of me. I followed orders, I didn’t complain, I didn’t tell anyone how I felt. And you know what he always said to me? ‘Take care of your brother, Dean. You have to protect him. He’s too innocent to know about these things. We can’t let him know what we know, it’s not right to scare him….’” He pauses to take a breath, his voice breaking. “‘Sammy is so _smart_. Sammy _deserves better_.’ Well guess who didn’t deserve better, Cas? ME! No one was concerned about me knowing about all the shit trying to kill us! No one cared when I didn’t go to school, or when I had nightmares, or when I needed help! There was no one to comfort me while I was growing up terrified out of my mind with a drunk, abusive father and a horde of monsters chasing after me! No one fucking cared! So you know what, Cas? I don’t have to give a fuck either! I don’t need anyone, okay? Because I’ll never be good enough for anyone to give a shit about. And for the last time, I’M FINE!”

By the time he finishes he’s hyperventilating, and he sinks down to the floor, pulling his knees up. I slowly kneel down beside him, watching as he struggles. “Slow down, Dean,” I murmur as he gasps. “You’re right, I didn’t know all that. And I can’t even begin to imagine how you felt. I’d like to try to understand, if you’ll let me. But I do know how much pain is inside you, and I know growing up doesn’t make that pain go away. I’m not pushing your feelings aside, and we’re going to talk about this. Just try to take a deep breath.”

Dean pinches the bridge of his nose, unable to stop the tears flowing down his face as he trembles. “I was so scared, Cas,” he mumbles. “You can’t understand…how fucking scared I was...all the time…and you know what he did, when I tried to tell him? He got mad at me. He hit me and…told me not to be a baby. I was seven. And I never told anyone I was scared every again…”

“I know,” I murmur soothingly, gently stroking through his hair. “It wasn’t right, Dean. The burdens your father put on you would be too much for any child to handle. And you worked so hard to do what you had to do to survive. You raised yourself and your brother into good men, and you’ve saved so many people, but I am so, so sorry that no one was there for you when you needed it. I can’t imagine the kind of terror you’ve held in. And I know you did the only thing you could do, and you pushed it far down where no one could see, and you kept going because you had to. Despite what your father or you may have believed, you deserved better than that. You both did. If I could go back and change what happened to you, I would do it in a heartbeat. But I can tell you that Sam and I are still here because we value you. We see you, Dean, and we know how smart and caring and hard-working you are, even when you don’t see it for yourself.”

Dean sniffles, still trembling lightly. “I know,” he whispers, leaning into my chest. “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry…”

I shush him softly, holding him tighter. “Don’t be sorry. These are things I want to know about. I don’t want you to suffer in silence and hold onto all this pain. You’re not that same little boy anymore. You have people who can help you let things out now.”

Slowly, he shakes his head. “Not how it works,” he mumbles. “I take care of people. I take care of everyone. That’s my job, Cas. It’s always been my job. It’s the one thing I’m good at…”

I smile, kissing the crown of his head softly. “You are good at it, Dean, though I’d hardly say it’s the only thing. But tell me this. When you’re busy taking care of everyone else, who is taking care of you?”

He pauses, thinking. “No one,” he answers quietly. “No one should be taking care of me.”

“That’s where you’re wrong,” I remind him softly. “The people who love you should be taking care of you. Me and Sam are still here by your side because we want to take care of you. There’s no way we can do that if you don’t let us in. And I know it’s scary, but we would never, ever reject you the way your father did. We get scared too, and lonely, and upset, and sometimes we feel worthless. And we always have you to make us feel better. Let us return the favor sometimes.”

Dean sniffs. “That’s what I don’t understand,” he murmurs. “I don’t get why you think I’m worth that kind of time and effort.”

I smile, gently wiping his tears. “Because you are an incredible man, Dean Winchester.” I can almost feel how fast he recoils from the compliment. “I mean it. You are…so brave, and loyal, and intelligent, and caring…there is so much complexity inside you, and so few people ever get to see it. But you’re looking at someone who’s seen your soul, Dean, who’s held it, who knows every dark thing that lurks there, and I can tell you that your capacity for love and compassion, even at your own expense, is astounding. It is truly and honestly beautiful. And I know you don’t see it yet, but I’m asking you to trust me. It’s the most incredible thing I’ve ever seen. And you, Dean, are worth every bit of my time and effort. Don’t ever think otherwise.”

A little sob escapes him, followed by fresh tears, but he nods, holding onto me tighter. “I’m scared, Cas,” he whispers.

I nod, holding him securely against me. “I know, Dean,” I murmur, kissing his forehead softly. “You’re allowed to be scared. I’ve got you.”

“It hurts,” he mumbles against my neck.

“I know it does. And I’m so sorry that you’ve been hurting for so long. I’m right here with you. I’m not going anywhere. And I promise we’ll get through this together. We’re going to make it okay.”

Slowly, he nods, relaxing against me, exhausted by his anger. “Okay…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Woohoo! Next chapter coming soon, a little bit of fluff :D Remember to review if you liked it!
> 
> Love,  
> TheSongSmith


	14. Work In Progress

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one and the last one turned out a little angsty-er than I thought they would...but the next chapter is in the works and I promise you fluff! This one is a little shorter than usual, but it was the best place to cut it off, and the next chapter is coming soon. This one is back in Dean's POV because I missed it. Enjoy!

**DPOV**

 

It takes a while before I can calm down, though I can’t bring myself to move from Cas’ lap. As childish as it sounds, my nerves are fried after my outburst, and the physical reassurance of his affection is soothing. He continues to murmur softly, never anything but patient. After a long time I manage to look up, wiping the remnants of tears off my face. “Feel better?” he asks softly.

I nod, sighing. “God, I’m so sorry,” I mumble. “I didn’t mean to explode on you like that. I don’t know where all that came from. I didn’t even remember some of it until it was coming out of my mouth.”

Cas shushes me softly, his thumb moving lightly along my cheek. “Dean, how many times do I have to tell you to stop apologizing? Believe me, I was fully prepared for it when I came in. I think your wall just came down all at once. But I’m glad you got it out, and that you told me about these things.”

“Yeah,” I murmur, “but I kinda dumped it on you. Once it started it was like I couldn’t stop.”

He smiles, leaning in to kiss me. “That’s perfectly alright. It needed to come out. And I hope you know that your feelings are perfectly valid. It’s completely okay to be angry and scared and upset. Those are normal, acceptable responses, and there’s nothing wrong with feeling that.”

I nod slowly, hesitating. “But that’s the thing,” I insist. “I also loved him. He was my dad. I wanted him to be proud of me. I wanted him to love me too. So I felt bad for being angry with him.”

Cas nods. “You know, Dean, I haven’t been human very long, but I have learned some things. And from an outsider’s perspective, let me tell you, human emotions are complicated, and often contradictory. You have an expression about loving and hating something at the same time. It’s confusing, but normal. You are certainly allowed to both love and be angry with your father.”

“I guess that’s true,” I concede.

“You know,” he says softly, “I believe he really did love you.” I give him a doubtful look, and he shrugs. “Look at how you deal with emotional distress, Dean. You lash out. You push people away. You’ve always been uncomfortable talking about your feelings with other people. That doesn’t mean you don’t care about them. And where did you learn to do that?”

I frown, glancing down at my hands. “From him, I guess.”

He nods. “Exactly. Losing your mother was a great tragedy for all of you. And while it certainly doesn’t excuse or justify his behavior in any way, it does make me think that his withholding of affection from you was just a coping mechanism. What he did was wrong, but I’d like to believe that he loved you very much, and that he was proud of the man you became. Maybe he just didn’t know how to tell you that.”

I smile a little, resting my cheek against his shoulder. “When did you get so smart about human stuff?” I ask, hearing him chuckle.

“I’ve learned from the best,” he murmurs, running a hand through my hair. “And even if I’m wrong; even if he didn’t see your worth, I do. You are worthy, Dean, and that will not change. You have to remember that.”

I nod slowly, sighing. “I’ll try. I love you, Cas.”

“I love you too,” he says softly. “Will you promise me something?”

“Hmm?”

He pauses. “Promise me that you won’t hold this pain inside anymore. I know how terrifying it can be, but I’m not going anywhere. You can trust me. Let me help.”

“I know,” I murmur, hugging him tighter. “I promise I’ll do my best. It might take a little getting used to. But I’ll work on it.”

Cas smiles, nodding. “Good.”

I stay quiet for a few minutes, focusing on the feeling of his palm rubbing slowly along my spine. “I suppose you’d like me to get out of your lap now so we can get off the floor,” I murmur after a while.

He chuckles. “Only if you want to. I would certainly be content to hold onto you for a while longer.”

I smile, pressing closer to him. “Then I think I’d like to stay here for a while. It feels safer. I don’t think I’m ready for the rest of the world yet.”

I feel his grin in the light kiss he presses against my neck. “As you wish.”

It’s quiet for a while before I remember something. “Hey Cas?” I ask, pulling back a little. “What were you doing downstairs before? I heard you going up and down all morning.”

He smiles, shrugging. “I was…finishing my backup plan.” I raise an eyebrow at him, and he chuckles. “It’s a surprise for you. I’ve been working on it for a while, actually, but I thought I should finish it before I talked to you, in case you required a little more coercion.”

I snort, shaking my head. “Maybe I should have been more difficult, then,” I tease lightly. “So what is it?”

“I believe telling you what it is would ruin the surprise,” he answers.

I snort. “Okay. Can I see it, then?”

“I would love nothing more. Provided you’re ready to handle the world now.”

“Maybe not the whole world,” I murmur. “But…I think I could handle a little.”

Cas nods, carefully pulling me up from the floor. He takes my hand as he leads me downstairs to one of the rooms in the basement. “Just so you know, we only have to use it if you want to,” he says, looking suddenly nervous. “I just…thought you might like to.”

I give him a puzzled look, and he slowly opens the door, turning the lights on. I’m shocked into silence for a moment as I look around while Cas waits anxiously. “You…built me a dungeon?” I ask finally. I can’t think of a better way to put it. It’s true, Cas’ toy collection sometimes seems to multiply on its own, taking up several drawers in our bedroom, but I’m sure he’s added to it, because I can see multiple unfamiliar objects meticulously organized against one wall, and the furniture is certainly new. Curious, I run my hand lightly over the brown leather of a low bench, stepping further into the room to explore.

“I think ‘dungeon’ is a little dramatic,” Cas answers as he watches. “I’d say it’s more of a…playroom. I thought maybe we should have a place to put all this stuff. These rooms are soundproof, so you wouldn’t have to worry about who’s around. And I had Gabriel charm the door, so only we can get in.”

I chuckle, thinking about how much time he must have spent thinking about this. “When did you even have time to do all this?”

He shrugs, blushing a little. “I can’t sleep, sometimes. It helps to do things. It’s been in progress for a while, but it’s finally done. Anyway, it’s just an option. Mostly I just needed a project. We certainly don’t have to…”

He trails off as I walk back over to him, kissing him softly. “Thank you.”

“Does…that mean you like it?” he asks hesitantly.

I laugh, pulling him close. “I love it, Cas. It’s…probably the weirdest gift I’ve ever gotten, but it’s great. I can’t wait to try it out with you.”

Cas grins, nodding and kissing me again. “Good. I can’t wait either. But not now.” I raise an eyebrow at him, and he smiles. “I know you’re tired after this morning. I have a better idea for right now.” He takes my hand again, pulling me upstairs and into the bathroom.

“What are we doing now?” I ask curiously.

He smiles, shrugging. “I think we both deserve some time to relax.”

He reaches over, starting to fill the tub while I watch him. When he straightens up again, I pull him into a hug. “Thanks…” I murmur. “For everything. You always seem to know what I need.”

“I am rather talented at that,” he answers. “It makes me happy to know that you’re happy.” He leans up to kiss me softly before tugging at my shirt, grinning. “And I do happen to enjoy helping you relax.”

He steps into the water, pulling me in behind him and settling me against his chest, his fingers moving lightly over my skin. “I don’t know how you do this,” I murmur.

“Do what?”

I shrug, leaning back against him. “Get me to relax like this. It never happens with anyone else.”

Cas chuckles softly, leaning in to kiss my cheek as he massages shampoo into my hair, and I can’t help the soft moan that escapes me. “I don’t know. It’s just a gift, I suppose. I’m glad, though. You should relax more often.” He reaches out, his fingers pressing into the muscles at the back of my neck, and he laughs at my groan. “That’s what you get for being so tense all morning,” he murmurs, kissing between my shoulder blades. “It’s a good thing you have me here to take care of you.”

After the bath Cas insists I take a nap, and when I wake up my stomach is grumbling. We get dressed and head into the kitchen to find food. Sam looks up when we enter, surprised. “Uh…hey Dean,” he says carefully. “You…doing okay?”

I nod, shrugging sheepishly. “Yeah, I’m good. Sorry about this morning.”

“That’s okay,” he says quickly. “I’m just…glad you’re feeling better. Hey, listen. I might have a potential case, if you’re interested.”

I take the plate Cas offers me, kissing his cheek before settling down on the couch. “Sure. Whatcha got?”

“A couple of towns over, a whole bunch of people have been going missing. But here’s the interesting part: the child population is going through the roof.”

I frown, thinking it over. “Are we talking people having babies, or…?”

He shakes his head. “Nope. A whole bunch of kids just keep showing up.”

“Are they…doing anything?” I ask. “Attacking people?”

“It doesn’t look like it. It seems like they can’t really tell anyone where they came from, but they just keep showing up, and the adults keep disappearing.”

Cas sits down beside me, and I squeeze his hand lightly while I think. “Changelings maybe, but they’d have started killing by now,” I muse. “Could be a witch. No clue why, but maybe she’s…turning them into kids? Sounds like our kinda thing. I’m in. Cas?”

He nods, shrugging. “Sounds interesting. Sure, let’s check it out.”

“Great,” Sam answers, closing his laptop. “I already talked to Gabriel, so we should be good to leave tonight if you’re up for it.”

I nod, finishing my food and standing up. “Okay then. Let’s get packing.”

Cas walks off down the hall, and Sam looks at me curiously. “So…I guess whatever Cas did worked?” he asks.

“Yeah, I guess you could say that,” I answer.

He nods. “Good. I’m glad. You look like you’re feeling better.”

“I am,” I answer. “Thanks. Now, go pack up. We’ve got work to do.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please leave me a review if you liked it! I love hearing from you, even when you just leave me smiley faces :D Next chapter coming soon!
> 
> Love,  
> TheSongSmith


	15. Child's Play

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello all! We're back with something of a random, fluffy chapter because I just needed to write fluff today :D

**CPOV**

Dean’s mood lifts further once in the Impala, and he hums along to the radio, tapping against the steering wheel while Sam spreads out in the back seat with his papers. I smile, reaching over and taking one of his hands, and he grins. “Hey guys?” Sam says after a while. “I might’ve found something. Looks like all the adults who have gone missing are parents of kids at the local elementary school.”

Dean makes a thoughtful sound. “So whoever our witch is, they’re probably working in the school,” he muses.

Sam shrugs. “That’s what it looks like. Probably someone with some power there. Anyway, it’s a good place to start.”

“Great. Hey Sammy? Where’s your boyfriend?” Dean asks, a teasing tone around the words.

Sam goes red, mumbling under his breath. “Shut up. He’s meeting us there. He doesn’t like your driving.”

Dean chuckles, shaking his head. “If you say so.”

Gabriel arrives after we’ve checked into a motel, changing into our suits. Dean slips a heavy leather bag over my shoulder, then grins. “Have I ever told you how much I love you in a suit?” he asks, leaning forward to kiss me. “You look like a sexy businessman.”

Sam clears his throat from the corner. “Dean? Can we focus please?”

Dean whines, frowning at him. “Okay, fine. Why don’t you and Gabriel talk to the police, and Cas and I will see if the principal knows anything?” They agree, and I follow him back to the car, watching him curiously. He glances over, raising an eyebrow. “What?”

I shake my head, smiling. “Nothing. You look happy.”

He chuckles. “I am happy. We haven’t had a good case in so long!”

He pulls up to the school, handing me a badge before we walk inside. The meeting is pretty typical. Towards the end, I excuse myself to use the restroom. Something on the desk outside catches my attention, and I look around to make sure no one is watching before picking it up and putting it in my bag. When we head back to the motel, Sam and Gabriel are waiting. “Well the police are pretty mystified. They have no idea where these kids are coming from. You find anything interesting?” Sam asks.

“Something shady going on with the principal, but I don’t know if it’s our kind of shady or spending-the-school’s-money-on-crack kinda shady. Nothing concrete. I was thinking we could go back tonight and check for hex bags,” Dean explains.

Suddenly I remember what I took, rummaging around for the book. “I almost forgot to show you,” I explain, holding it up for them. “I saw it on the desk and thought it might have been useful.”

Sam takes it, flipping through the pages, a slow smile spreading across his face. “You’re brilliant, Cas. It’s a log of every parent and kid who got called into the principal’s office. I already see a bunch of our missing persons in here. Thanks.”

“Look at you, Cassie,” Gabriel teases. “Using that big head of yours.”

I feel the blush that spreads over my face, shrugging. “It was no problem. I thought you might want to see it.”

Dean grins, his arm around me tightening. “You’re a natural. Okay, so kid acts out, has to go to the principal’s office and they call the parents…the witch does some mojo and turns them into kids? Why would the parents be punished instead of the kids?”

Sam shrugs. “Maybe the witch thinks it’s the parents’ fault for the way their kid acts? She could be trying to teach them a lesson or something. I dunno, but it definitely seems like the principal is suspect number one. We should search her office tonight.”

“Well we have a couple of hours until the night janitor clears out,” Dean answers, checking his watch. “I think I’m going to go back to our room and take a nap. You coming, Cas?”

I pause, shrugging. “I’m not particularly tired, Dean. I can stay here so I don’t disturb you.”

Dean grins, and something predatory leaks into his expression. “You coming, Cas?” he asks again, and this time I get it and nod, standing up.

Gabriel snorts, smirking. “Hey, keep it down, will you?” he calls as we leave.

“You too, douchebag,” Dean calls back, making an obscene gesture before practically dragging me into our room.

“Am I correct in assuming that saying you want to sleep actually meant you want to have sex with me?”

He laughs, pulling me in for a kiss. “Yes, Cas, that’s exactly what it meant. Now, let’s get you out of this suit.”

 

* * *

 

 

After the school closes, the four of us head back to search for clues. Dean carefully picks the lock on the doors, and we make our way to the principal’s office. Gabriel and I look through filing cabinets and bookshelves while Sam sits down at the computer, trying to crack the password. One book, a little more worn than the rest, catches my eye, and I pick it up carefully, frowning at the strange writing on the front. “Dean?” I murmur, holding the book up.

He comes over from where he’s been searching and cracks it open, frowning as it falls to a certain page. “Looks like a spell book to me.” A piece of paper sits inside with what appears to be last names. Some of them are familiar, and I recognize them from Sam’s research. “We got ourselves a hitlist. There’s some dark shit in here.”

“Indeed there is,” a soft voice says behind us, making us all jump. “And it’s rather old, so I’d appreciate it if you’d put it down.” Standing in the doorway is the principal. She’s smiling benignly, but there’s something cold in the way it doesn’t match the rest of her face. “Care to explain what you’re doing breaking into my school?”

“Care to explain why you’re turning people into kids?” Dean counters, leveling his gun at her.

The witch laughs, shrugging. “Because they need to learn their lesson, of course. These parents think they know everything. You know what I know? Their kids are brats, and it’s all their fault. It’s my duty to make sure those that need it get knocked down a peg. Maybe they’ll see the error of their ways after spending a little time being the poor, vulnerable creatures they are. Children need discipline, after all. Who would I be to deny them?”

“Freaking witches,” Dean mutters. “Can’t you just stay out of other people’s business?”

She smirks. “And what fun would that be? After all, I’m doing it for their own good. It’s only fair that I get to have a little bit of fun with them while I can. Who’s going to believe a child that says a witch is after them?”

As she talks, Sam has been quietly coming up behind her, but she mutters something in latin and suddenly he and Gabriel are pressed against the wall, the weapon flying out of his hands. Dean takes a step forward only for the two of us to be pushed back to the opposite wall. “Gabe!” Sam mutters, struggling to pull away.

Gabriel nods, raising his hand toward the witch, but nothing happens, and he frowns. “I don’t understand…”

The witch grins, pushing aside a rug on the floor to reveal a warding symbol that’s blocking Gabriel’s powers. “Didn’t think I was going to take any chances with you things running around, did you?” she asks. She walks slowly over to Dean, and I growl when her finger starts tracing over his cheek as he struggles. “Such a fighter, this one,” she muses. “So much anger. You know, between you and roadrunner over there, I think you need to knocked down a few pegs.” Sam glances at me, wide-eyed as she picks up the dropped spell book. She mutters in latin, grinning before the room fills with smoke. Her spell releases, dropping us to the ground, and I cough for a minute, trying to see through the haze.

“Dean!” I call out, trying to wave away the smoke enough to see. As it starts to thin, I see Sam’s figure, looking around wildly. He sees me, moving closer.

“Cas? You okay?”

I nod, frowning. “Yes, of course. Where are Dean and…” I trail off, noticing his attention being drawn to the floor. When I glance down, a small figure catches my eye. I frown, leaning closer. “What…?”

When I look back to Sam, he’s staring down at another small frame. “You’ve got to be kidding me,” he groans.

I look down again, confused, and wide green eyes stare up at me. Suddenly it dawns on me, and it must dawn on the child as well, because the shock of the spell wears off and tears well up in his eyes. “Oh no…” I murmur. “Dean…please don’t…” It’s useless, as a loud crying is already filling the room. The sound seems to shock the other child, who I assume to be Gabriel, out of his stupor, and he starts crying too. I look to Sam, lost. “How do we make it stop?”

Sam shakes his head in disbelief for a moment before carefully scooping Gabriel off the floor. The child’s cries soften, and he shrugs at me. “It looks like we’ll be babysitting for a little while.”

I frown at him, gingerly picking up the tiny, shrieking creature and holding him out. “You’re kidding me.”

He shrugs, and I watch as he curiously pulls back the waist of Gabriel’s pants a little. “Count your blessings, Cas. At least they’re old enough to be mostly potty trained.”

Dean continues to cry, and I frown at him, unsure of what to do. When I glance over at Sam, he has Gabriel balanced between his arm and his chest, and I try to imitate the position. Surprisingly, Dean cooperates, tucking himself up against my chest as he grips at the collar of my shirt, whimpering softly against my neck. “Why are they crying?” I ask him once Dean is settled.

“I think the spell scared them,” he answers. He starts a gentle bouncing motion, trying to stop it.

I rub the tiny back gently as I murmur to Dean, hoping the imitation will make up for what I don’t know about caring for children. “Hey, it’s alright,” I say softly. “You’re okay. I’ve got you.” Dean sniffles a little, cautiously glancing up at me. I smile, brushing his hair back. “You’re rather cute like this.”

“Bad lady,” Dean mumbles, frowning.

“I know, Dean. The lady was bad. But it’s okay. She won’t hurt you again, I promise.”

He sniffs again, wiping at his tears. “Promise?”

“I promise,” I answer. “I won’t let her.” He gives a watery smile, cuddling closer. When I glance over at Sam, he seems to have bribed Gabriel into silence with candy. “What do we do now?” I ask.

He shrugs, bewildered. “I guess we…take them home and figure out what to do with them until we can change them back.”

“What about the witch?” I ask, frowning.

Sam sighs. “I mean, she’s not exactly killing anyone…I want her dead too, but we can’t exactly take them with us, and we can’t leave them unattended. Let’s figure out how to fix them, and then we’ll come back and deal with the witch.” I nod, carrying Dean out to the car. He brightens at the sight of it, patting the hood softly before I climb in with him. Sam buckles Gabriel in beside us, who whines and pokes at the belt. “Shit,” Sam murmurs, “We need to go shopping. We need, like…car seats, and clothes and whatever.”

I nod, attempting to move Dean to the seat beside me, but he refuses to budge from his spot in my arms. I sigh, hugging him closer. “Why don’t you drop us off home and then go to the store? I think taking them in with us will be more hassle than it’s worth.”

“You’re probably right,” he agrees. “You sure you’ll be alright watching the two of them on your own?”

I shrug, glancing down at Dean, who’s already falling asleep against my chest. “I suppose we’ll find out.”

Once home, Sam finds a vaguely kid-friendly show on TV before he leaves, and Gabriel settles down on the couch immediately. I look down to Dean, who’s still sleeping, his thumb planted firmly in his mouth. “I was not expecting this,” I murmur to him. “But I can’t say you’re not cute.” I smile at the tiny noise he makes, examining the pattern of freckles across his nose, familiar though smaller. For once, he’s mostly relaxed, only occasionally twitching in his sleep. I settle on the couch next to Gabriel, who glances up. “Dean okay?” he asks.

I smile, nodding. “Yes, Dean is okay. Just sleeping. Are you feeling okay?”

He grins, reaching over to the coffee table and unwrapping another lollipop. “Yeah! When Sammy back?”

“Soon, I hope,” I answer. “He’s bringing dinner back.”

He makes a sound of approval, and Dean starts to stir. He blinks up at me, a slow, groggy smile lighting up his face as he pats my cheek lightly. “Cas!”

“Hello, Dean,” I murmur, smiling back. “Did you have a good nap?”

He hums in response, curling up against my side when I sit him down on the couch. “Cas, hungry,” he says.

“Me too,” I answer, brushing his hair back. “Sam should be back soon with food. Gabriel and I have been watching something about talking penguins.”

He turns his attention to the TV, staying quiet until Sam comes in, carrying large plastic bags. “Sammy!” They both shout, getting off the couch and moving over to hug his legs.

Sam laughs. “Well that’s the nicest way I’ve been greeted in a while. Go sit down, okay? It’s dinner time.”

They rush off to the table, and I go over to take some of his bags. “How was the store?”

“Good,” he answers. “I think we’ve got everything we need if they’re stuck like this for a little while. Once they go to bed we’ll start researching how to turn them back.”

I nod, glancing over to where they’re giggling. “I rather like them this way.”

Sam chuckles. “See if you’re still saying that after we get them to bed.”

Dinner turns out to be a messy affair, and between that and the dirt they acquired during the hunt, Sam decides they need to be washed. I follow him into the bathroom, leading Dean by the hand and watching Sam adjust the water in the bathtub, throwing in several pieces of bright plastic before he turns to take Gabriel into his own bathroom. Dean looks up at me, whining and motioning towards the toys floating in the water. “Alright then, let’s get you clean.” Once I’ve wrestled him out of his clothes, Dean occupies himself with staging a battle of tiny plastic ships while I wash him. Something on his upper arm catches my eye, and I trace my fingers lightly over the pale outline of a handprint in miniature that sits there. Dean looks up at me, smiling. “Do you know what this is?” I ask, mostly to myself.

To my surprise, he nods. “Cas. Mine,” he answers honestly. He giggles and squirms away when my fingers move over his ribs. “No!”

“Are you ticklish?” I chuckle, moving to do it again.

Dean shrieks, batting at my hands. “No, Cas! No tickle!” He splashes water everywhere as he squirms, and I laugh.

“Okay, okay. Let’s get you dried off. It’s almost bedtime.” He pouts as I pick him up out of the tub, wrapping him in a towel, but brightens when he sees the pajamas I hold up, pulling them on quickly. “I’m Batman!” he shouts, jumping up and down.

I chuckle, toweling off his hair and picking him up. “Okay, Batman. Let’s go find Sam.”

Sam looks exhausted when we find him, wrangling a wet and wiggling Gabriel. “Looks like you were more successful than me,” he chuckles, motioning towards Dean. “Why don’t you take him back to the living room? I left his cup on the counter. We’ll be there in a minute.”

I nod, setting Dean down on the couch while I grab the child-friendly cup. When I return, he’s poking his head curiously into some of the remaining bags Sam brought. Grinning, he pulls out of one a fuzzy stuffed animal. “Cas! Elphant!”

I pick him up, pulling him into my lap and smiling as he pulls the elephant along with him. “I see. That’s a very fuzzy elephant.”

“Mine?” he asks curiously, hugging it.

“Sure, Dean,” I answer, hugging him tighter when he leans back into my chest, sipping juice from the cup. “That can be yours.” He grins, hugging the toy as he snuggles closer to me.

Sam and Gabriel join us, Sam looking rather more damp than the last time I saw him. He glances over at Dean, smiling a little. “You know, of all the spells we’ve had put on us, this is probably the least bad one.”

I nod, glancing down at Dean, who’s starting to relax against me. “I suppose that’s true. It most certainly could be worse. No one is dying.”

He chuckles in response, ruffling Gabriel’s hair lightly and grinning at his pout. “Very true. It is quiet, though. Hopefully we’ll find a way to change them back soon.”

“I hope so,” I answer, rubbing slow circles onto Dean’s back as his eyes close. “For now, where are we going to put them to sleep?”

He shrugs. “I guess we’ll just put them in bed with us for now. Hopefully they won’t be kids for more than a few days.” Once Dean is asleep I carry him down the hall to the bedroom, carefully tucking him in. He snuggles closer to the stuffed elephant, and I smile, watching him sleep peacefully for a moment before returning to find Sam already researching. We read through books, trying to find some mention of a de-aging spell, but it’s not long before we’re both yawning.

“Maybe we should get some rest for now,” Sam suggests. “I’m not seeing anything, and I’m exhausted. We can keep looking tomorrow.”

I nod, setting down the book in my lap and saying goodnight before quietly slipping into the bedroom, careful not to disturb Dean as I change. When I come out of the bathroom a low whimpering catches my attention, and I frown as Dean stirs.

Before I can reach the bed, he wakes with a gasp, looking around wildly. He whimpers again when he catches sight of me, reaching out. I gently pull him into my lap, and he grabs on tightly, a sob escaping him. “Shhh, it’s alright Dean,” I murmur. “It was just a dream. I’m here. You’re safe.” He shivers in my arms, and I hug him tighter, continuing to murmur softly until his crying slows and he looks up. I wipe his tears gently, kissing his forehead. “Had a bad dream, huh?” I ask. He nods, sniffing softly. “Want to tell me what it was about?”

“Bad man,” he mumbles against my shirt. “Hurt.”

I frown, rubbing his back lightly. “I’m sorry, Dean. I know that’s a scary dream. But I promise you, that man will never hurt you ever again. I won’t let him.” He smiles a little, nodding, and I have an idea. “Do you want to hear a story?”

He nods eagerly, snuggling closer. “Pease?”

“Okay. Once upon a time, there was a good man. He didn’t think he was good, but everything he did was for other people. He even volunteered to go to a very bad place to save someone else.” Dean starts to relax again, watching me with wide eyes. “He was in the bad place for a long time, and the bad people there hurt him a lot. He thought he would be there forever, but he didn’t know that there was someone coming to save him.”

“Who?” Dean asks softly.

I smile, brushing his hair back. “An angel. He was sent down to rescue the man.”

“Why?”

“Well, because…the world needed him. Because he was never supposed to be hurt like that, and he was too good to be gone from the world. He deserved a second chance. And the angel could see what a good man he was.”

Dean smiles a little, nodding. “What happen?”

I laugh softly, hugging him tighter. “The angel rescued him,” I answer. “And once he was back they became friends. And they spent a long time saving everyone they could. And one day, the angel came to realize that he cared for the man very much.” Dean giggles, hiding his face against my neck. “But he was too afraid to tell the man that,” I continue softly. “He didn’t know what would happen. But then the angel became human, and some people tried to hurt him.”

“No…” he says softly, eyes wide.

“Yes,” I chuckle. “But it turned out okay. The man saved him this time. And he took care of him. And the angel was so worried that the man wouldn’t like him anymore because he didn’t have his powers. But it turns out the man loved him anyway.”

Dean grins. “They live happy ever after?” he asks hopefully.

“They’re certainly trying,” I answer softly.

He makes a sound of approval, snuggling close. “Good story,” he murmurs.

“I think so too,” I reply. “You know, even if you dream about that bad man, your angel won’t ever let him hurt you.”

Dean smiles, his hand reaching up to rest lightly against my cheek. “Cas sleepy?” he asks.

“A little bit. Are you sleepy?”

He nods. “Sleep here?”

“Yes, of course. I’m not going anywhere, Dean.”

He makes another happy sound, letting me set him down and pull the blankets up over us. Once I lie down, he presses close. “Love Cas,” he murmurs against my shirt.

I smile, kissing his cheek softly. “I love you too, Dean. Sweet dreams.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Woohoo! I dunno, I think baby Dean would be cute. Remember to review if you liked it! I love to hear from you :D
> 
> Love,  
> TheSongSmith


	16. (Un)rest

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone! We're back again with a new chapter. Enjoy!

**CPOV**

 

The next morning, Dean insists on dragging his elephant to the table to eat breakfast. While he and Gabriel are occupied, Sam motions me into the next room. “How did everything go?” he asks quietly.

“Reasonably well,” I answer. “How did things go with you?”

He shrugs. “Okay, I guess. Do you think they…know who they are?”

I think about it for a minute, glancing back at Dean. “I don’t know. Not really. I mean, they seem to know who we are, generally speaking. Dean recognized the handprint on his arm. And I think he had some form of a hell dream last night. But it seems to only be bits and pieces.”

Sam nods. “It’s the same with Gabriel. He’s still the same person, but he doesn’t seem to know he’s an angel or anything like that. Neither of them seems to know that they were ever adults at all. No wonder the kids in that town couldn’t tell anyone where they came from. They didn’t know.” He glances back to the table, chuckling softly. “Dean brought his elephant?”

I shrug. “He seems rather attached to it.”

“Yeah, I kinda thought he might be. He had one when he was a kid, until dad made him throw it out. That’s why I bought it.”

I frown, sighing. “Don’t take this personally, Sam, but sometimes I hate your father.”

Sam chuckles. “Yeah, join the club. But maybe this will be good for him. Maybe, if he remembers this, he’ll calm down about the people taking care of him thing. I mean, he seems to like it now.”

“I think he’s always liked it,” I admit. “He just doesn’t believe he deserves it. Perhaps you’re right. Maybe this will change that.”

He nods, casting a glance at the stack of books left on the table. “Well, I suppose we should get started. We won’t find out until we can change them back.”

We work slowly through the stack of books while Dean and Gabriel play, running back and forth across the living room. I don’t know what the game is, but it ends with a loud bang as they crash into each other, followed by loud crying. Sam shoots me an exasperated look as we get up to gather them from the floor. They’ve each managed to give themselves skinned knees, and while we examine them on the bathroom counter Dean blubbers something I can’t understand. I look to Sam for help, and he chuckles. “He wants you to kiss it better.”

I frown at him. “How will that make anything better?”

He shrugs. “It doesn’t, technically, but kids like it. It makes them feel better.”

Cautiously, I lean down to kiss his knee just above the scrape, surprised when his cries quiet. “Is that better?” I ask. He nods, sniffling and wiping his tears while Sam hands me a Band-Aid and some antibiotic cream. Once it’s covered, I kiss his forehead softly, picking him up. “There we go. All fixed.” He smiles a little, hugging me tightly. Once back in the living room, I sit down with Dean still in my lap. “You want to go play again?” I ask. He shakes his head. “Want to sit with me for a little while?” He nods, so I pick up the book and keep searching from where I left off.

After a while, Sam glances up at me. “Find anything yet?”

“Nothing,” I answer, frowning at the book. “You’d think something like this would be more common.”

He shrugs. “I guess usually they’re going for death instead of, you know, childhood. Don’t worry, I’m sure we’ll find something.”

He gets up to start making lunch, and I look down to find Dean staring up at me, frowning. “What’s the matter, little man?”

“Cas sad?” he asks softly.

I smile a little, kissing his forehead. “No. I’m not sad. Just a little frustrated, that’s all.”

“Why?”

“Because I just can’t seem to find what I’m looking for,” I explain.

He thinks for a moment. “I help?”

I chuckle, hugging him closer. “You’re already helping,” I assure him. “I’m okay, I promise.”

 

* * *

 

 

After lunch, Dean refuses to go back into bed for a nap, but he seems quite happy to fall asleep against my chest. After cleaning up, Sam returns, chuckling at the sight of Gabriel sprawled over a chair, fast asleep. “Guess the little guys were more tired than I thought.”

I nod, watching the soft rise and fall of Dean’s chest for a moment before looking up and finding Sam watching us. “What?”

“Nothing,” he says quickly, shaking his head. “I was just thinking…he really loves you.”

“Did you have doubts?” I ask curiously.

He blushes, looking away. “No. I mean…that’s not what I meant. It’s just…”

I chuckle, nodding. “It’s alright, Sam. I’ve had my doubts too.”

He glances up at me, surprised. “Really? You have?”

“Well it’s hardly difficult, considering his past history with sexual partners, and my own history with…everything,” I answer. “So yes. I’ve wondered.”

Sam nods, thinking for a moment. “He really does, though,” he says finally. “I mean, I’ve seen my brother go through a lot of relationships. He’s never been like this before.”

“What do you mean?”

He shrugs. “I mean…he’s really putting everything into this. He honestly trusts you more than I’ve ever seen. And he’s so…happy. He’s more relaxed around you than I can ever remember him being. He’s letting himself hope, Cas. That’s kind of a huge deal for him. It’s the one thing he never wants to give himself permission for.”

I nod slowly, considering the sleeping boy in my lap. “I know. I have to say, it surprised me as well. I’m glad, though. I owe him that, and so much more.”

Sam makes a thoughtful sound, sitting down on the couch beside us. “What do you mean, you owe him?”

“After everything I’ve done…” I shrug sheepishly. “He still cares about me. He…believes in me. And he loves me, even though I don’t have any special abilities anymore.”

He frowns, raising an eyebrow at me. “Of course he does, Cas,” he says softly. “We both care about you, human or not. And you know we’ve all made just as many mistakes as you. He would never stop loving you because of something like that.”

I nod, smiling and brushing Dean’s hair back lightly. “I know. And I am…exceedingly grateful for that. For both of you.”

Sam smiles. “I’m glad. Don’t worry, Cas. We’ll figure out how to change them back soon. But at least you know that for him it’s not about…sex, or responsibility or anything like that. He just honestly loves you.”

“I’m rather fond of him as well,” I answer. “Thank you, Sam. And I hope you know that it’s very much the same for Gabriel. This is the first time he’s acted this way since the dawn of time. It takes an enormous amount of effort to change habits that old. You may have noticed, he’s not exactly practiced in the art of sincerity.”

He laughs, smiling fondly at Gabriel, asleep in his chair. “Yeah, I’ve noticed. Thanks, Cas.” He sighs, picking up another book. “Come on, let’s figure this out.”

 

* * *

 

**DPOV**

 

I wake up in my bed next to Cas, though the memories of how I got here are fuzzy. I wrack my brain trying to figure it out, but the last thing I can remember is the confrontation with the witch, and then some vague images of Cas that don’t make any sense. Still, it can’t be too bad if he’s sleeping and we’re back at the bunker, so rather than worry about it I press closer to him. He stirs a little, yawning before his eyes open. They widen immediately when they settle on me, and I watch him warily for a moment before he breaks out into a grin. “Dean!” he says excitedly, hugging me tightly.

I pat his shoulder lightly, puzzled at his reaction. “Morning…” I murmur. “Why are you acting like you didn’t know I was here?”

“Well of course I knew you were here,” he answers. “I just didn’t expect you to…I mean, you were…” he frowns for a moment. “You don’t remember?”

“Remember what?” I ask slowly. “The last thing I remember is that witch whammying us. Cas, what happened?”

He smiles a little, leaning in to kiss me softly. “Nothing too bad,” he assures me. “It’s just…you haven’t really been yourself for a while.”

I frown at him. “If I wasn’t myself, then who was I?”

Cas sighs softly, stroking my cheek. “I’ll tell you, but you can’t freak out. It’s too early for that.” I nod, motioning for him to continue. “The witch turned you and Gabriel into kids.”

I freeze, staring at him for a minute. “What do you mean…turned us into kids?”

“Exactly what I said,” he answers sleepily. “You were kids. Like two, three years old? You were cute.”

He reaches over to the nightstand, fiddling with his cell phone for a moment before handing it to me. On the screen is a picture of Cas holding a little boy, the both of them grinning. “Are you telling me that…that kid is me?” I ask carefully. He makes a soft noise of agreement. “Well…how long was I a kid for?”

He considers it for a moment. “Mm…four days,” he answers finally. “And you promised you wouldn’t freak out. Dean, it’s okay. We took good care of you.”

“Yeah, Cas, that’s kinda what I’m freaking out about. Did you like…have to change my diapers or something?”

Cas snorts. “No, Dean. You were potty trained.” He thinks for a moment, then grins. “Though, some of the toilets were slightly too high for you, so we did have to lift you up occasionally.” I groan, burying my head in his chest and feeling him chuckle. “Dean, it’s really okay. Nothing terrible happened. It was actually rather fun to get to take care of you for once. And I got to see what you were like as a child. Please relax.”

“Okay, I’m sorry,” I sigh. “It’s just freaking me out that I can’t remember four whole days.”

He shrugs a little. “Well, when you were little you didn’t seem to remember much about your adult life. What transferred over was mostly just who Sam and I were and how much you like your car. I promise you, you have nothing to worry about. Though I am glad you’re back. I missed getting to do this,” he murmurs, kissing me again.

I chuckle, relaxing and kissing him back. “If you say so. So how’d you break the spell?”

“We didn’t,” he answers. “Hence my surprise at your appearance. I guess it just wore off. I don’t know if Gabriel’s changed back yet too.”

Something fuzzy under my arm catches my attention, and I frown, pulling a small, stuffed elephant out from under the sheets. “What’s this?”

Cas just shrugs again. “Your elephant. You dragged it around everywhere. I think you named him Bobby.” I frown at the object, and Cas chuckles, hugging me closer and trapping the elephant between us. “It was cute. Don’t worry about it. Go back to sleep.”

I huff in annoyance, but the warmth of his body is too hard to resist, and after a few minutes I find myself falling asleep again, the toy tucked under my arm.

 

When I wake again, it’s to a painful tightness in my chest and a loud cry that I realize is coming from me. Alarmingly, I find myself held upright against another person, my back pressed to a chest, tight arms circling my torso. I fight against the hold blindly, but it only tightens, hot breath tickling the back of my neck. “Dean,” a soft voice murmurs. “Dean, it’s me, it’s Cas. Take it easy. It was a dream. You’re not there.”

“I don’t know that,” I answer, hating the tremble in my voice.

“Okay,” he answers calmly. “Then we’ll prove it. One step at a time. Close your eyes for me.”

I shake my head hard, gasping. “No. I can’t. If I can’t see it, how do I know I’m not there?”

He shushes me, one of the hands wrapped around me shifting to comb through my hair. “I’m going to help you figure that out,” he assures me. “I just need you to focus on my voice. Trust me, Dean. I’m here.”

My hand finds the edge of his arm where it rests over my chest, and I grip it hard as I squeeze my eyes shut, trying to stay focused on the warmth pressed against my back. “O-Okay…”

“Good boy,” he murmurs. “Try to keep your breathing even. Let’s start small. Tell me what you can feel.”

I manage a shaky breath, focusing hard. “Uh…Y-You…” I answer. “Feels warm…”

He nods against my shoulder. “Good. Does it feel the same as what you felt just now in hell?” I shake my head. “That’s good. Is anything hurting you?”

“Chest,” I mumble.

“Okay. That’s because you’re afraid. Does anything else hurt? Does anything feel the same as it did?”

I consider it, then shake my head again. “No. It’s different.”

“Good,” he murmurs, kissing the back of my neck. “Block one. Hold onto that. Now, tell me what you hear.”

“N-Nothing,” I answer. “It’s…too quiet for hell.”

He makes a soft hum of approval. “That’s true. Okay. Do you know who I am? Do you believe I’m real?”

I think about it for a minute before nodding. “You feel real…”

“Alright. So could I possibly be here with you if you were really in hell?”

The knot in my chest loosens a little, and I slump forward in his hold. “No…”

A small, relieved sigh escapes him, and he nods, leaning me back against his chest as his grip relaxes slightly. “That’s right. You’re not there. So take a couple of slow breaths for me. I’ve got you.” He continues to murmur softly, his free hand tracing slow, soothing patterns over my chest until I manage to stop shaking. “Dean?” he says quietly. “Are you with me?”

I nod, slowly opening my eyes and turning to see his concerned expression. “Y-Yeah, I think so. I’m so…”

I don’t get to finish before his lips are on mine, soothing the pain in my chest. “Don’t you dare apologize for something that isn’t your fault.”

I swallow, leaning my head back against his chest. “It’s never been that strong. I’ve always been able to figure it out before…”

Cas shrugs. “Maybe it’s because your memories have been mostly blocked for the last few days. Or maybe it was just a particularly bad one. Either way, it happened and we got through it. That’s what matters.”

I nod as the hammering in my chest calms, focusing on Cas’ heartbeat against my back. “You’re…really good at that,” I murmur. “Thanks.”

“Of course, Dean,” he answers. “Take your time. I’m not going anywhere.” Once the shock wears off and I feel a little more grounded I manage to loosen the tight grip I still have on the arm around my chest, turning to face him. Cas smiles, his hands shifting to rest on my lower back as he leans in to kiss me softly. “Are you alright?” he asks quietly.

“I think so,” I murmur. “Still a little shaky, I guess.” The stuffed animal from before catches my eye, and I frown at it for a moment before glancing back to Cas. “Do you think you could…do me a giant favor?” I ask hesitantly.

Cas smiles, following my gaze. “If it helps, I certainly won’t judge you,” he answers. “We won’t talk about it ever again if you don’t want.”

I nod, picking up the toy and hugging it. It is sort of comforting, which I’m chalking up to being zapped back into myself not too long ago. Cas hugs me tighter, kissing my forehead softly. “Cas?” I say after a minute, “I keep seeing it. I…think it’s going to take a little more to get past this one.”

He nods understandingly, his chin brushing the top of my head. “You think you need to be taken out of your head for a little while?”

I can’t even explain how nice that sounds, so I just nod instead. “Please. I need a break from thinking about it.”

Cas nods, smiling. “Of course, Dean. Why don’t we go get you some breakfast, and then I promise we’ll give you a break. We should at least tell Sam you’re back to normal.” I nod in agreement, slowly getting up. Cas smiles, pulling up a blanket and wrapping it around my shoulders. “We’ll make it quick,” he assures me, taking my hand.

The kitchen is empty when we arrive, and Cas tells me to sit down while he makes breakfast. I watch him curiously until he looks over his shoulder at me, grinning. He sets down two plates, handing me a fork. “I was just thinking…I’m so glad I have you,” I murmur, smiling.

He chuckles. “I’m glad to hear that. I think I’m lucky too. Now, eat up. You’ll need it.” He gives me a wink before diving into his own plate.

We’re almost done when Sam comes in, yawning. He catches sight of me and freezes, then grins. “Dean! It’s so good to see you looking like…you, again,” he says, hugging me tightly.

“Yeah, I hear it’s been an interesting few days,” I answer.

He laughs. “Yeah. I guess you could say that. You don’t remember?”

I shake my head. “Pieces, but nothing coherent. How’s Gabriel? Still small?”

“Is that a short joke?” a disgruntled voice asks behind me. I turn to find Gabriel rubbing his eyes groggily. “What the hell Sammy?” he asks. “Did you roofie me or something?”

Sam chuckles, shaking his head. “It’s kind of a long story. I’m glad you’re back.”

Cas smiles. “Yes, I suppose you two have a lot to talk about. Come on, Dean, let’s give them some privacy.” He takes my hand again, leading me downstairs to his newly-renovated room. “I thought maybe you’d like to explore it a little more,” he explains.

I chuckle, leaning in to kiss him softly before we step into the room. He takes a seat, watching me as I explore for a few minutes, stopping in front of a display. It only takes a minute to recognize the strips of leather as collars, and I shiver. “Hey Cas? What…what are these for?”

“Decoration, mostly,” he answers, shrugging. “Unless…you can wear one, if you want to.”

A little shiver runs through me, and I shake my head. “Ah…no. Not that I don’t…it’s just that…”

Cas frowns, walking over and squeezing my hand again. “Dean? What is it?”

I take a deep breath, swallowing hard. “I’m fine. It’s just…I had one for a while. A collar. In hell. Alistair…” His brow furrows for a moment, and suddenly his grip around my hand is gone as he turns to gather up the strips of leather. I watch, perplexed, as he marches out of the room with them. When he comes back he’s empty-handed. “What was all that about?” I ask curiously.

He frowns at me. “Dean, I would never intentionally ask you to do something that upsets you. This is supposed to be a place where you can relax. I don’t want you thinking about that here. I didn’t know, and if I could I’d go back and punish him for what he did, but I can’t. It’s the least I can do to make sure this is an environment where you feel safe.”

I smile, pulling him closer to kiss him softly. “I do feel safe with you, Cas. And it’s okay. I never told you. You couldn’t know. Who knows? Maybe one day I’ll be okay with it.”

“And if you want to try it one day, all you have to do is tell me,” he answers. “But if you never want to, I’m fine with that. Your attire isn’t really my top priority, and it’s certainly not higher on my list of concerns than your well-being. Besides, you don’t need a collar to know where we stand, do you?”

I grin, shaking my head and kissing him again. “No Sir.”

He chuckles, nodding. “Good. Then it’s fine. Let’s just see what we can do to help you relax.”

 

* * *

 

 

Later, my mind is blessedly quiet as I rest against Cas’ chest, still trembling in his protective hold. “Better?” he murmurs against the top of my head.

I chuckle, nodding and kissing his chest where my head rests. “So much better…thank you…”

“For what?” he asks, his fingers tracing lightly along my spine.

“Everything,” I answer, hugging him tighter. “I don’t deserve you.”

He shakes his head, shushing me softly. “Nonsense. You’re stuck with me forever, so get used to it.” I nod, smiling and pressing closer. Suddenly a memory occurs to me, and I look up at him, puzzled. “Dean? What’s wrong?” he asks.

“Nothing,” I answer, shaking my head. “I just…I think I remembered…” I pause, running over the memory again. “Once upon a time, there was a good man…” I murmur.

Cas frowns for a minute in confusion before he understands. “You remember that?”

“Apparently,” I shrug. “You told me our story? Why?”

He smiles sheepishly. “You had a nightmare. You were scared that the bad man was going to get you. I wanted to tell you that I’d protect you like I always have, but it wouldn’t have made sense to you. So I thought…maybe I could do it that way. It seemed to help.”

I nod, shifting to kiss him softly. “It did. Thanks. It’s a good story.”

“It is,” he answers, nodding. “It’s my favorite story.”

I frown for a moment, thinking. “Did you…were you really scared I wouldn’t love you because you were human?” I ask, glancing up in time to see him blush.

He shrugs a little. “I suppose so. I just…I wasn’t sure how you felt at the time. I wanted you to like me. But once I was no longer useful to you, I didn’t know if you’d still want me around.”

“Cas…” I murmur, waiting until he looks at me. “Being human doesn’t make you useless. And of course I still wanted you around. I didn’t keep you around because I could use you for what I wanted. I kept you around because I like having you around, angel or not. Whatever happens, I’ll still want you around. You know that, right?”

Slowly, he smiles, nodding. “I know, Dean. I’ve come to understand that. It’s the same way I feel about you.”

This time it’s my turn to blush, and I look away. “Yeah. I know. I may not really get it, but I know.”

Cas smiles, stroking my cheek lightly. “That’s what’s important, isn’t it?”

I nod slowly. “Yeah, it is. I love you, Cas. I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

“You don’t have to know,” he replies. “I’m staying right here.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Woohoo! Remember to review if you liked it, or if you didn't, or if you just wanna say hi! :D
> 
> Love,  
> TheSongSmith


	17. Remembrance

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello my loves! Lots of exciting things coming, so enjoy!

“Dude, do you ever clean this thing out?” Sam asks while he and Dean both have their heads in the trunk of the Impala. Dean has decided that the trunk needs to be reorganized, despite the fact that he keeps it meticulous, and has roped Sam and I into helping. Well, mostly Sam. But it’s still fun to watch them together.

“Shut up, Sammy,” Dean shoots back. “Everything in here is completely necessary.”

Sam snorts, holding up a piece of plastic. “Really, an empty M&M’s packet is completely necessary?” Dean snatches it away from him, and I can’t exactly tell, but I think he’s put it back in the trunk. Sam rolls his eyes, glancing back at me. “Cas, your boyfriend is a hoarder.”

“He does have particularly strong nesting instincts,” I answer.

Dean sits up enough to give me a playful glare. “You’re not supposed to help him!”

I chuckle, kissing his cheek softly. “Sorry. But I’m still not convinced that ‘completely necessary’ is the proper term for all of this stuff.”

They continue to dig in relative silence for a while until Sam sits up, grinning. “Hey, look what I found,” he says, nudging Dean and brandishing a stack of photos at him. “Do you remember this? Dad had a case in Texas. It was the first time I ever saw a real beach.”

Dean smiles, looking over his shoulder at the pictures. “I remember. You were around eleven and decided you wanted to be a photographer. So we got you a disposable camera to fool around with.”

“Look at how young you look,” Sam chuckles. “Cas, come check this out.” I look over the photos, grinning at the faces a teenaged Dean makes at the camera as Sam flips through the photos. Suddenly he pauses, his expression dropping, and it takes me a minute to notice why. Though the picture seems to have been aimed at the ocean, Dean’s back is visible at the far edge. Though it’s a little fuzzy, it’s not difficult to spot the bruises and scratch marks spanning the surface. Sam frowns. “Huh. Where did that come from?”

Dean frowns too, looking away from the picture. “I don’t know, probably just hunting injuries. We got thrown around a lot back then.”

But Sam shakes his head slowly. “No, I remember this. You used to sneak out and come home with bruises and tell me not to tell dad. What was all that about?”

I watch as Dean goes pale, looking between the two of us. His mouth opens and closes several times before he turns on his heel and walks back into the bunker, ignoring us when we call after him. I frown, taking the pictures from Sam and flipping through the rest of them. “I don’t understand,” I say to him, studying the strange markings visible at young Dean’s neck. “What was he doing?”

Sam shrugs. “Honestly, I have no idea. He used to come home all bruised up and with a ton of cash. I always figured he was out hustling pool or something and got beat up, but considering that reaction…I don’t think that’s what he was doing. If I was right, he would have just told me.”

I nod slowly. “I’d have to agree with you there. He did seem distressed.” I sigh, picking a few of the pictures out of the stack and pocketing them, handing the rest back to him. “I’ll talk to him. Maybe I can find out what’s upset him so much.” Sam nods, carefully putting the pictures back in the trunk as I leave the garage.

Surprisingly the bedroom door is open, but I can hear the water running in the shower. I close the door quietly, taking a seat on the bed and waiting patiently for him to come out. It takes much longer than usual; almost an hour before the water shuts off. When he returns, rubbing at his hair with a towel, he freezes at the sight of me. “I…didn’t know you were in here.”

I shrug, motioning him closer and watching as he carefully sits down, leaving some space between us. “You seemed upset. I was concerned.”

“I’m fine, Cas,” he says quickly, not meeting my gaze.

I consider him for a moment. “You don’t have to lie to me, Dean,” I remind him gently. “Neither of us believes that you’re fine.” He sighs, but doesn’t answer, so I continue. “I’ve known you for a long time. And I know the only time you take a shower than long is when you’re trying to wash away something from your soul. So what is it?”

Very slowly, he meets my gaze, watching me cautiously for a moment. “It’s…complicated, Cas,” he says finally.

I shrug, slowly reaching across the space between us to squeeze his hand. “I’ve got some time.”

Dean nods a little, staring down at his lap. “Okay. Well…You know how our dad was. I was always the one who had to take care of us while he was off hunting something or another. He’d leave us money for food most of the time, but it wasn’t always enough, and he never left anything for Sammy’s birthday, or Christmas. I wanted the kid to have everything he wanted. No one would hire a kid my age, especially when we moved every few weeks. And I sure as hell couldn’t risk asking dad. So I…found a way to make my own money.”

He glances up at me nervously, and his fingers shake slightly where they’re wrapped around mine. I glance back down to the pictures I brought with me, my eyes drawn to the dark bruise on the teenager’s neck, and a word I’ve heard him use pops into my head. “It’s a hickey.” He doesn’t answer, looking everywhere but at me as I finally understand. “Dean, did you…?”

“I did what I had to do,” he says quickly. “It was something I could do anywhere we were. It was only a few times, at first. Only when I needed a little extra food money or to get Sammy a birthday present. But then…he got older, and he was so smart, Cas. He always talked about going to college and helping people. And I wanted him to have that. You can’t pay for college with stolen credit cards. So I started doing it more regularly. I was a little less selective, and sometimes they got rough, and I started coming home with marks. Sammy would ask, but I’d just make excuses.” He gives a slight shrug. “It worked. I saved up all the money.”

I look down at the photo again, frowning. “How old were you here?”

“Fourteen or so,” he answers quietly. “When this was taken, I’d probably been doing it regularly for a year or so. I did it for six years.”

I have to take a minute to control my anger that the universe allowed this to happen to him. “You never told him,” I say when I can trust my voice again. “Why?”

He shakes his head. “Partly because I was ashamed of it. It was useful, but that didn’t mean it felt good to be used like that. But mostly because he’d blame himself for it. He’d feel so guilty if he knew that’s where his tuition money came from. So I pretended I’d been working some jobs and saving up. It wasn’t a total lie. I transferred the money to him before he left.” He shrugs again. “I did what I had to do.”

It takes me a minute to process all this, but when I do so many things seem so much clearer. When I look up again, he’s watching me nervously. “Why are you looking at me like that?” I ask curiously.

“I don’t know,” he answers quietly. “I’m…waiting to see how you react.”

I nearly smile, leaning in to kiss him softly. “I love you, Dean. Relax. This doesn’t change anything. Though I have to say, some things make a lot more sense now. Considering this, and what happened in hell, it’s not hard to understand why you were so hesitant when we started this.”

He gives a small smile, shrugging. “Yeah, I guess. I just…wasn’t really expecting to see those ever again.” He pauses for a moment, fidgeting anxiously. “Are you…going to tell him?”

“No,” I answer. “It’s not my story to tell. That’s up to you, and if you’d rather not I understand. But I am glad you told me. Thank you.”

I nod, hugging him close and smiling when he rests his head against my shoulder. We stay quiet for a while until he sighs, sitting up. “We should probably go back before Sammy starts looking for us.” He keeps his hand in mine as we walk back.

Sam glances up, worried. “Everything alright?”

Dean nods. “Yeah, sorry about that. I’m good. You’ve been helping out for a while now, why don’t you go take a break? I think Cas can fill in for a bit.”

“Yeah, sure,” Sam answers, glancing at me briefly. I give him a reassuring smile, and he nods. “Just yell if you need me, alright?”

Dean watches him go for a moment before turning back to the trunk. He picks up the empty M&M bag, smiling at it. “I’ve had it for years,” he explains when he notices me looking. “It’s from the one the first hunts Sammy and I did together after I got him from school. It was a Wendigo. We went out looking for it, and the thing nabbed me, but I left a trail of these things for him to find me.” He continues going through what’s left in the trunk, showing me old pictures of the two of them as children and explaining the significance of all of the objects that don’t seem to have a use.

“I think I understand,” I say when he seems to be done.

“Understand what?” he asks.

I shrug. “You don’t hoard objects, you hoard memories. That’s what all of these things are. And you keep them here because…this car is your home. It always has been. It makes sense now.”

He smiles sheepishly. “Yeah, I guess that’s one way to think about it. This thing used to be all I had.”

“And now?” I ask softly.

Dean smiles, turning to look at me. “Now I have some other things I can call home."

 

 

* * *

 

 

**DPOV**

 

_The one silver lining was that at least I was away from you._

I watch Mom say this in slow motion, and my chest is too tight to breathe. It’s a trick, it has to be, but it doesn’t stop the burn of the words as they sear into my brain. “Don’t,” I whisper.

_Everybody leaves you, Dean. You noticed? Mommy. Daddy. Even Sam_ _. You ever ask yourself why? Maybe it’s not them. Maybe, it’s you._

“Mom, please…don’t…” I choke out, hating how small and frightened my voice sounds.

She smiles, stepping forward to stroke my cheek, and it makes my blood run cold, though I can’t seem to pull away. _Don’t what, sweetheart? Don’t tell you the truth? Because that’s what it is. You’re nothing but a burden. People will do damn near anything to get away from you, won’t they? Look for yourself if you don’t believe me._

Suddenly in front of me is a room full of people. Slowly, I start to recognize them, Sam and Bobby and Lisa and Ben; everyone I’ve ever cared about. “Sammy, you gotta help me.” He smiles, but when I take a step towards him he disappears in a cloud of smoke. I try to swallow down my panic, but it breaks free when the others start disappearing too, leaving faster and faster the more I reach for them, trying to drown out Mom’s laughter. I turn and see Cas, taking a breath. “See, you’re wrong. Cas wouldn’t leave me. He loves me.”

Her laughs grow louder. _You think so? You honestly think you’re worthy of something like him? Someone like Cas could never love a thing as broken and useless as you._

“Cas, tell her she’s wrong,” I beg. “Please. Help me.” He smiles for a minute as I grab onto his hand, then starts to disintegrate in front of me. “No. No!”

_I told you, Dean,_ she continues. _Everybody leaves you. Nobody will ever stay, as long as you live. And then you’ll go right back to burning in hell where you belong. And do you want to know why?_ she asks. I almost lose sight of her through the black spots starting to crowd my vision. _It’s because you deserve to be alone._

The phrase echoes in my head as I fall to my knees, still trying to plead with her through my gasps before things go black.

_Dean? Dean, wake up. Dean._

“Dean!”

I jolt up, startled to find wide blue eyes staring down at me. Cas looks alarmed, but I can’t be sure this isn’t another trick. He says something that I can’t quite make out over the sound of my frantic breaths, and he frowns when I don’t answer. He starts to reach out for me, but I flinch away, not wanting to see him disappear again, which only makes his expression look more worried. “Dean? You’re starting to scare me. Please say something. Can you hear me?”

If it is a trick, I’ll find out sooner or later. Might as well get it over with. Cautiously, I reach out, trying to steady my fingers before they come into contact with his hand. I recoil quickly, but he doesn’t disappear, only frowning in confusion. I swallow, gingerly touching his arm. “Dean?” he says again. “What is it?”

“Y-You’re…real?” I gasp out. “You’re n-not disappearing…”

“Yes, of course I’m real,” he answers gently. “What do you mean disappearing? I’m not going anywhere. Can you take a deep breath for me?” I want to more than anything, but I can’t seem to slow down, so I do the next best thing and grab onto him as tightly as I can, burying my face against his chest. Shocked, he holds me close as I sob, rubbing small circles into my spine. “Shh, Dean it’s alright,” he murmurs, still sounding concerned. “Whatever it was, it wasn’t real. I’m right here, I’ve got you. Just try to breathe. I’m not going anywhere.”

I vaguely register another voice, and Cas exchanges brief, uncertain words with it before he’s back to talking in my ear. “Easy now, I’ve got you,” he murmurs. “You’re safe.” It’s a long time before I can breathe again, and I cautiously look up at him, frowning at his frightened expression. “Dean?” he says cautiously. “Are you with me now?” I manage a nod, and he relaxes slightly. “Okay. Good. Are you alright?”

“I d-don’t know…” I answer honestly. “I think so…”

He nods a little, kissing my forehead. “Okay. That’s okay. Can you tell me what happened?”

I sniff a little, suddenly feeling ashamed. “It was just…a bad dream,” I mumble.

Cas frowns. “No offense, Dean, but I’ve seen you have bad dreams, and they never send you into panic attacks this bad. Not even the hell dreams. I want to help. Please talk to me.”

I consider it for a minute, then nod, moving into his lap, too shaky and desperate for comfort to care about how it looks. His arms tighten around me, and I feel _safe._ “Well, uh…you remember when we were trying to stop the apocalypse, and Sammy and I ended up in heaven?”

He nods slowly. “When you found Joshua?”

“Yeah. Well…while we were there, I, uh…we saw our mother. I mean she wasn’t…she was a trick. She started talking about how…I was a burden, and that the one good thing that came out of her death was getting away from me.” Cas frowns, but stays quiet. “I was dreaming about what she said. She talked about how everyone leaves me, and how it’s my fault, and then…then I saw Sammy and Bobby and just…everyone, and whenever I tried to get close to them they disappeared, and I…God, Cas, I just panicked. I didn’t want to be alone. And then you were there, and she was saying…that you would leave too, because you couldn’t love me. That I was never worthy of you, and it was only a matter of time, and I tried to grab onto you but you were just gone…”

Cas shushes me softly, kissing my forehead again. “Dean, you know it wasn’t true. Everything she said, it has nothing to do with you. It was just Zachariah trying to hurt you, and your own fears making your nightmare worse. You’re not alone. I love you, and I’m not leaving you. You are worthy of love.”

I nod slowly. “I know. It just…she said that I deserved to be alone, and that I belonged in hell, and…I know it wasn’t real. I know that. But all that stuff…it still hurt, coming from her, and it’s not like I can ask her.”

Cas sits up straighter, surprised. “You doubt that your mother loved you? You think some of the opinions you heard might have actually been hers?”

“I don’t know what to think,” I murmur. “It’s not like I can find out anyway.”

He sighs, hugging me tighter for a moment. “What if I told you I know exactly how she felt?” he says quietly.

I look up at him, puzzled. “What do you mean? You can’t know. And if you’re going to try that ‘all mothers love their sons’ bullshit please don’t.”

“No, I mean I actually know for a fact that you were not at all a burden to her.”

I sit up a little bit, frowning at him. “How?”

Cas hesitates. “I’m not exactly supposed to talk about it, but…” He takes in my expression for a moment, his thumb brushing lightly along my cheek. “I suppose I can make an exception. I may have…stumbled upon her heaven once, long before I ever met you.”

“Her heaven?” I swallow, holding onto him tighter. “What…what does that have to do with anything?”

He smiles a little. “Dean, Mary Winchester’s heaven is the last Christmas she spent with you. You were around three years old, and your father wasn’t there, but she played with you and your new Christmas presents all day and then watched you fall asleep in front of the tree with a cookie in your hand. It was chosen because the thing that made her happiest was you. You were never a burden, Dean. She loved you very much.”

“I…really?” I manage. “Why didn’t you ever tell me?”

Cas nods. “I never realized it was something you needed to hear,” he says softly. Something in me relaxes at that, and I press closer to him, sniffling softly. “Dean,” he murmurs, “What you heard in your dream wasn’t true. It was just your own fears. Yes, you have lost many people, but it was not your fault, and they all loved you very much. And I am not going anywhere.”

“I told her that,” I say quietly. “In my dream. I told her you loved me and wouldn’t leave me.”

Cas smiles. “I’m glad to hear that. I do love you, Dean. More than anything.”

“I know,” I answer. I rest my head against his chest, nearly smiling as I feel his heart still beating fast. “You were really scared, weren’t you?”

He laughs. “I was terrified. You were staring at me like you’d never seen me before. Don’t do that to me again, okay?”

“No promises,” I murmur, feeling him chuckle. I sigh, taking a deep breath. “Sorry, I can get out of your lap,” I say after a minute, though I really don’t want to let go.

I can almost feel his grin. “I don’t think that’s really what you want to do.”

I shake my head, glancing up at him. “I want to be selfish,” I admit. “I feel safe like this. I don’t want to move.”

Cas smiles, his fingers gently tracing along my jaw until he can lift my chin for a soft kiss. “Then don’t. Let me keep you safe for a while.”

It doesn’t take much convincing before I agree, curling up against him. “Okay. I can do that.” He nods, carefully leaning back against the pillows, keeping me against his chest. The steady heartbeat under my cheek and the gentle hand running through my hair have me relaxing before I know what’s going on, and his free hand moves slowly up and down along my spine. “Stop it,” I protest weakly. “You’re making me sleepy again.”

Cas chuckles, shushing me softly and kissing the top of my head as he pulls the blankets back over us both. “Relax. I’ve got you now. Sweet dreams, Dean. I’m not going anywhere.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Woo! Cuddles are the best. As I mentioned before I have suddenly had an influx of ideas about this one, so stay tuned and remember to review!
> 
> Love,  
> TheSongSmith


	18. Love and Revenge

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Woo more chapters!

When I wake up, there are hushed voices in the room, but I’m too comfortable tucked up against Cas’ chest to pay much attention. I feel the low rumble of his voice for a moment before it goes quiet again. I stay quiet for a minute, enjoying the feeling of his fingers moving over my skin before I look up. Cas grins. “Good morning, Dean.”

“You’re very cheery this morning,” I mumble against his neck, closing my eyes again.

He chuckles, brushing my hair back lightly. “Of course I am. I woke up with you on top of me. It’s at the top of the list of things I like waking up to.”

I can’t help but smile, shaking my head. “You’re ridiculous.”

Cas snorts, his arms tightening around me. “Perhaps. Though I don’t believe that’s a bad thing.” His voice softens a little. “How are you feeling?”

I consider it for a moment, smiling at him. “Actually? A lot better. Thank you.” He returns the smile, nodding. I pause for a moment, frowning at the fuzzy memory. “Who were you talking to this morning?”

“Oh, Sam and Gabriel popped in. They’re going somewhere for the weekend, so it’s just us. Sam wanted to make sure you were alright before they left.”

I frown at that. “So he was here last night when I was freaking out?”

“Just for a moment,” he answers, his thumb rubbing along the back of my neck. “He was passing the door and heard you. I just told him you had a nightmare, I didn’t go into details. He seemed…pleased when he saw us this morning.”

I snort, shaking my head. “I bet he was…that fucking girl…”

Cas chuckles, shushing me softly. “Well I’m glad to hear you’re feeling better. And since it’s just us, we can do whatever we want today.”

“Can we sleep?” I ask, smiling as he smacks the back of my head lightly. “What? I’m comfy.”

He shakes his head at me. “I’ll make you a deal. You can sleep a little longer while I go take a shower, and then I’m going to make you breakfast.” I grumble about it, but nod, reluctantly detangling myself and slipping into the warm imprint of his body as soon as he slips out of bed. He laughs, leaning down to kiss my temple softly. “I’ll be right back.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

**CPOV**

 

When I come out of the shower, I can’t help but laugh softly at what I see. Dean has managed to kick the blankets off, and though he’s mostly asleep, his palm moves slowly back and forth over the erection clearly visible through his sweatpants. I watch him for a moment as he pants softly until I can’t resist anymore, and then I climb into bed beside him, planting a soft kiss on his lips. He responds slowly, blinking up at me for a moment before he grins. “Back so soon?” he asks, his voice rough with sleep.

“Not soon enough, it appears,” I tease him lightly, glancing down to where his hand still rests. “It seems you’ve started without me.”

He follows my gaze, going red and tearing his hand away from his crotch. “Sorry, sorry, I didn’t realize…”

I chuckle, kissing him softly again. “Well don’t stop on my account.”

His eyes widen, searching my face as if he’s not sure if I’m joking. When I raise an eyebrow at him, he blushes. “You…want me to…”

“Well it seemed to be a good dream,” I grin. “I’d hate to interrupt it. Tell me what it was about?”

Dean swallows, nodding slowly as his hand returns to its previous motion. “I was, uh…I was dreaming about…when we moved into the bunker,” he murmurs, his voice hitching slightly. “I always had to…rush this sort of thing when I shared rooms with Sam, but once we were here I had my own room, and I…wanted to take advantage.” His eyes flutter closed as his hand squeezes slightly over the fabric, and it takes all my control not to touch him.

“How did you take advantage of it?” I ask quietly.

A small smile slides across his face. “I could finally…take my time,” he answers, his voice slipping down to a whisper. “So I teased myself…for so long…just to see how long I could hold out.” His eyes open and lock with mine, the green nearly disappearing.

“How long did you spend teasing yourself, Dean?” I murmur, sliding just close enough for him to feel the heat of my body.

He takes a shaky breath, a soft moan escaping him. “Hours,” he admits, blushing. “I didn’t have to worry…he was too far away to hear. Started just like this,” he says, grinning at me. “Wanted more so badly, but I didn’t give in until I couldn’t take it anymore…”

“Then what?” I breathe into his ear, grinning at his shiver.

He swallows, and I watch his Adam’s apple bob up and down. “Then I…took these off...” he answers, slowly sliding his sweatpants off and spreading his legs wider. Lightly, his fingers wrap around his shaft, slowly pulling upward until his hand slips free. He gasps softly each time he repeats the slow motion, his hips rolling slightly with each movement.

The next time he releases his cock I reach out, wrapping my own hand around him before he can replace his. His eyes fly open, and he moans softly, watching as I continue his slow rhythm. “Then what?” I prompt lightly, smiling at his shocked expression.

“I, uh…I s-started running my thumb over the head… _oh fuck_ …” he whimpers as I follow his words.

“How’s that?” I murmur, grinning.

He groans as I squeeze around him lightly. “Not enough…”

I chuckle, nipping at his ear. “Hmm, but that’s why you like it so much, isn’t it? Keeping you right on the edge, but just not enough to push you over.”

He gasps out a “ _Yes_ ,” and an idea occurs to me.

“Sit up, Dean.” He nearly trips over himself to obey, and I can’t help but laugh. I slide into place behind him, smirking at the little squeak of surprise he makes when I pull him back into my lap. I hook my legs over his thighs, keeping his legs spread, and he relaxes against me immediately, his head tipping back against my shoulder. “Good boy,” I purr into his ear, feeling him shiver. He jumps when my hand wraps around his cock again, moaning as I start the same slow pace as before. “Now, I don’t think you finished the story…”

Dean whimpers loudly, nodding and trying to collect himself. “Then I…I t-took my other hand and…Oh God, Cas, please…”

I chuckle softly, bringing the fingers of my free hand up to his lips, smirking as they part immediately to suck on two fingers. “This what you did, Dean?” I murmur close to his ear. “Got your fingers all nice and wet?” He nods frantically, and I slowly pull my fingers free. “And what did you do with them?”

He goes even brighter red, a shudder running through him. “I…I… _Fuck_ , please…”

I grin, slowly sliding my hand down between his legs. “You touched that tight hole of yours, didn’t you?” He chokes out something that sounds like a yes, his hips struggling to push up into my hand, still moving slowly over his cock. “Is that all you did, Dean?” I tease him, biting at his neck and sucking bruises there. He shakes his head hard. “No, you explored this pretty ass, didn’t you? Stretched it open, imagined it being someone else…imagined it being me. Isn’t that right?”

Dean sobs as my fingers slowly sink into him. “Yes…Fuck, yes…wanted it to be you…Please, Cas, ‘M gonna explode…”

I chuckle, nipping at the dark bruises starting to form at his throat. “Tell me what happens at the end of the story, Dean.”

He whimpers loudly. “I…couldn’t anymore…I had too…”

“Came hard, didn’t you?” I grin. “Is that what you want, Dean? Want to finish the story?”

Dean yelps as my fingers find his prostate, rubbing over it hard. “Yes, yes, fuck _, please_ Cas…came so fuckin’ hard…” I bite down at his neck while suddenly increasing the tempo of my hand, and Dean cries out, his back arching. “Oh shit…shit, I’m coming, fuck, CAS!”

He shudders hard, feverishly mumbling my name as his orgasm washes over him, his chest heaving. After a moment I lightly run a fingertip along his shaft, chuckling softly as he jolts, whimpering. I press soft kisses along his neck, running my fingers lightly over his flushed skin until he slowly turns to look at me over his shoulder, his eyes wide. “Jesus Cas, what the fuck…?” he breathes.

I laugh, leaning closer to kiss him softly. “You didn’t think I was going to let you have all the fun, now did you?”

He snorts, shaking his head. “You’re insane, you know that?”

“Somehow that doesn’t seem like a complaint.”

“That’s ’cause it’s not,” he grins. His eyes flutter closed for a minute, and he takes a deep breath. “I still can’t believe you did that,” he chuckles. “Personally, I think you just like breaking me.”

I smile, kissing his temple lightly. “On the contrary, Dean. I very much enjoy putting you back together again.” He looks up at that, his expression more surprised than I expected. To my shock, tears start to well up in his eyes, and I frown. “Dean? What’s wrong? What did I say?”

He shakes his head, a rough laugh escaping him. “Nothing. Nothing, it’s just…why did you do it?”

I think about it for a moment. “You’re beautiful when you let go, Dean. Even more so than usual. Sometimes I like seeing what’s behind your walls.”

“I like it too,” he whispers. “It’s the only time…”

He pauses, and I look down in time to watch a tear trail down his cheek. “Please don’t cry,” I murmur, gently wiping it away. “What is it?”

“You don’t understand,” he answers, showing a small smile. “This is…the only time I’m convinced it’s not true; what they said about me. It’s the only thing that makes me feel safe.” He gives a tearful laugh. “I mean, you take care of me, and then you sit here and hold me and I actually feel like I’m worth something, because you want me. You say all these nice things, and sometimes I can actually believe you and it’s wonderful. I just wanted to tell you…”

I feel the sting of tears in my own throat, hugging him closer and kissing him again. “Dean…you have no idea how happy I am to hear you say that. I love you so much.”

Dean sniffles for a minute, then pulls back, wiping his face quickly. “Okay, enough of that. That was all your fault.”

I chuckle, wiping my own face. “How was it my fault?”

“You’re just…a giant sappy puppy,” he answers, grinning. “Plus you made me cum my brains out just now, so yeah, I’m blaming you.”

I smile, pretending to consider it for a moment. “Then I suppose I should accept responsibility for that,” I tease him. “Let me give you my most sincere apologies.”

“Don’t you dare,” he growls playfully. “Not unless your apology involves a repeat performance.”

“I’ll keep that in mind,” I assure him.

He nods, shifting to rest his head on my chest. “Good. I’m going to get you back for this, you know. Just as soon as I can remember how to move.”

I chuckle softly, kissing his forehead. “I’m looking forward to it.”

 

* * *

 

 

Dean dozes off for a little while, and when he wakes his stomach is growling loudly. I make him sit on the couch while I make breakfast, and the second I sit down he’s pressed up against me again. I smile, wrapping an arm around him and eating quietly. It’s not often that Dean is in a cuddly mood, and I intend to enjoy it as long as I can. He keeps shooting little glances at me, and when I catch him he smirks. “What?” I ask, puzzled.

He shrugs. “Just planning out my revenge plot.”

“So soon?” I tease. “I thought you’d lost your brains this morning.”

He grins, shrugging. “Guess I got them back. It’s not very often we get those two girls out of the way, and I intend to take full advantage.”

Something warm curls in my stomach. “And how do you plan on doing that?”

Dean chuckles softly, leaning up to kiss me. “Let’s just say your screams are gonna be bouncing off every wall in this place before I’m done with you.”

I can’t help the blush I feel creep up my neck, and Dean laughs. “Well then,” I murmur, “We should probably start soon, seeing as we’ll need some time to absolve me of my transgressions.”

He sets his plate down, pressing in close, one hand travelling to the side of my jaw to draw me closer, the other curling into the hair at the back of my head. The kiss is slow but deep, and when my lips part under the pressure he promptly gets to work exploring. When we break apart Dean has a dangerous glint in his eye. “Something tells me neither of us is going to be needing clothes any time soon. Come on, Cas. Let’s see if we can make you repent.”

I follow him down the hall and back to the bedroom, where the sheets are still rumpled from earlier. I raise an eyebrow at him, and he grins, pulling me into a heated kiss. He pulls away only long enough to shove me back onto the bed, prodding until I slide up closer to the headboard, and then his hand wraps around the back of my neck and his lips are on mine again. I can’t help but melt into him; what Dean sometimes lacks in words he more than makes up for in action, and I can’t do anything but follow when he shifts forward until I’m flat against the mattress. The heat of his body draped over me is slightly intoxicating, and when he finally pulls back I find myself a little lightheaded. He pauses for a moment, then drops his hips against mine, chuckling at the sharp gasp that escapes me. He grins, running his thumb along my bottom lip before leaning in to lick it lightly, kissing me deeply again before sucking it into his mouth and biting down gently. I let out a breathy moan, and he laughs. “I told you you’re a big sap,” he murmurs, hot breath against my ear. “You’d make out with me all day if you could, wouldn’t you? Like a horny teenager.”

I nod quickly. “Most definitely,” I answer. “You happen to be excellent at it.”

I reach out to pull him down for another kiss, but he catches my wrists quickly, pinning them to the mattress above my head. I can’t help the whimper that escapes, and Dean laughs. “My turn, angel.” There’s an odd clicking sound somewhere above my head, but I don’t really register it because he’s kissing me again, steadily licking his way into my mouth. I don’t pay much attention at all until something cool is wrapped around both of my wrists, and I glance up to find them both bound to the bedframe. I look at him questioningly, and he grins. “Can’t have you moving while I’m tryin’ to teach you a lesson, now can we?”

I can feel the blush that creeps up my neck. “I suppose not.” I bite down on my bottom lip, and Dean’s eyes zero in on it immediately.

“Now Cas, we’ve talked about this,” he teases, pulling it free from my teeth and gently imprisoning it with his own. “You know when you do that I just have to try it for myself.” I close my eyes as he stretches, resting his full weight over my body, my knees spread wide and pressed to the mattress on either side of his hips. “Now this is more like it.” His fingers tangle in my hair as he drags my lips back to his for another breathless kiss. It seems to go on for eternity before his grip suddenly tightens, tipping my chin up so he can lick and nibble along my jaw. I whimper softly, and Dean smirks. “Like it rough, don’t you sweetheart?” he murmurs. I choke out an affirmation, yelping when it tightens further and he yanks my head back roughly to expose my throat, which he promptly begins marking with his lips and teeth. Sharp sparks run down my spine, and I shudder, attempting to press up against him only to be stopped by his free hand against my hip, pinning me down to the bed. “Not so fast,” he chuckles. “I like to take my time with something as pretty as you.”

“Dean…” I whine. My protest doesn’t last long, though, because a particularly sharp bite over my pulse has me keening. He’s not lying, and he takes what feels like an eternity to create and examine the bite marks and bruises coloring my neck and chest. He thwarts another of my attempts to get friction where I need it, laughing softly. “Dean, please…”

“Already? I’m not even halfway done with you.” I start to reply, but it turns into a long moan when his lips close around one of my nipples, biting down lightly as he begins pinching and rolling the other one between his fingers. It’s another century by the time he’s satisfied with his work, and a light tremor has taken over my body. He pulls away with a smile, kissing me briefly. “Hey Cas, you know how I’ve never felt too comfortable praying?” he asks casually.

I frown, taking a moment to process his words. “Yes…”

His smile turns into a smirk. “I think I finally found an act of worship I can get behind.”

“That’s…dangerously close to blasphemy,” I murmur shakily as he runs his teeth along my jaw.

Dean’s lips travel to my ear, huffing out a laugh, the heat of his breath making me shiver. “I’m on my knees, ain’t I?”

I want to point out that Dean should be used to that position by now; that he’s so beautiful on his knees, but I don’t get the chance, because his hips start rolling slowly against mine. “Dean…”

“Wanna fuck you, Cas,” he breathes, fingers digging into my hips. “Wanna do it slow and deep, make you feel every minute of it. What do you think?”

I can’t stop the whimper that escapes me. “Yes…please…” I growl as he continues his slow movements. “For God’s sake Dean, fuck me already!”

His eyes widen slightly, the playful grin back as he laughs. “Naughty angel.”

I moan as he works a hand between us, slowly stroking us together. “Forgive me father,” I murmur, shuddering, “For I have sinned…”

“Not for the last time, if I have anything to say about it.” Dean continues to torture me, moving so slowly I think my heart might just give out until his cock is prodding lightly at my entrance. “So eager,” he chuckles, stroking my cheek softly.

“Dean…” I whine. “Need you now…”

As it turns out, he does not need to be told twice, because with one quick thrust he’s buried to the hilt, and I moan loudly as I reel from the sensation. He pants softly for a moment, holding still before grabbing onto my knees, pulling them up over his shoulders. His next thrust is even deeper, and he starts up a torturous pace; a slow slide almost all the way out, then a hard thrust as deep as possible. He smirks at me, rolling his hips and laughing at the wail that escapes me. After a while I realize I’ve been chanting his name, breathing it like a prayer against his lips, and he ducks his head, sucking a new bruise against my throat. “Fuck, Cas…” he murmurs, panting softly.

He gives a harder thrust, and I moan loudly, wishing I had the leverage to pull him closer. “Dean, harder, please…need more…”

He nods, scraping his teeth just under the bolt of my jaw, his hands traveling up my bound arms and interlocking his fingers with mine, squeezing tightly. He lets out a rough, broken sound as I feel him pulse inside me, and the sound pushes me over the edge after him, shouting his name to the ceiling.

When the world stops wavering in and out of focus I manage to open my eyes to find him watching me, our foreheads touching as we pant softly, hands still tightly locked where they rest on the bed. “You’re so fucking beautiful, you know that?” he murmurs, his lips just brushing mine.

I grin, managing to lift my head enough to kiss him softly. “Think I’ve learned my lesson yet?”

Dean laughs, his head dropping to press kisses against my neck. “God I hope not. Something tells me it’s gonna be a long couple of days…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay! So the next chapter is almost finished. If you wanna see it, leave me a review to let me know you liked it!
> 
> Love,  
> TheSongSmith


	19. Masterpiece

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello all! I've been hard at work on my NaNoWriMo story, but I wanted to post this up for you. Enjoy!

When I wake up in the morning the other half of the bed is empty, but there’s a quiet shuffling coming from the kitchen. When I go to investigate I find Cas at the stove, softly humming AC/DC to himself as he flips pancakes. Something flutters in my chest at the sight, and I stop in the doorway to watch the muscles of his back shift under his skin for a moment before quietly walking up behind him. When I wrap my arms around his waist he flinches slightly, and I frown. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to startle you.”

He shakes his head, smiling slightly and leaning over to kiss my cheek. “You didn’t. I knew you were there.”

“Then why did you…?” I turn him around to face me, frowning at the slight tension in his expression. “What happened?”

“It’s nothing, Dean,” he says softly.

I shake my head. “We both know that’s not true. What’s wrong?”

Cas sighs, dropping his gaze. “I just…had a dream, that’s all. I’m fine.”

“Was it a nightmare?”

He shakes his head. “No. No, it was a good dream. It was a dream about…flying.” Slowly, the understanding dawns on me, and I pull him closer. “It’s not that I don’t love being here with you,” he says quickly.

I nod. “I know. You just miss your wings.”

“I am…very fond of our life here. But it is…not always easy to accept the way I am now,” he admits quietly.

I watch him for a minute, then lean up to kiss him softly. “I’m sorry I can’t do more to fix that.”

Cas sighs, smiling slightly. “It’s alright, Dean. I’m very happy here. I rather like being human, most days. It just…happens every now and then. I’ll be fine.” He turns back to the stove, sliding the last few pancakes onto a plate. “Let’s eat. I made some chocolate chip ones for you.”

I nod, sitting down at the table while he slides them onto two plates. I reach out for his hand, stroking the back of it lightly with my thumb while we eat, but he still seems upset when we’re finished. An idea occurs to me, and I smile, pulling him up from the table. “Come with me.”

Cas frowns, glancing back at the plates. “But…the dishes…”

I roll my eyes at him, pulling him down the hall. “They can wait, Cas. I have an idea.” He seems perplexed when I lead him back into the bedroom. “Trust me, Cas,” I murmur, nudging him towards the bed. “Lay down.”

He hesitates, but nods, and I manage to coax him onto his stomach. “Dean? What are you doing?”

“It’s a surprise,” I answer, digging in the bottom of the closet for a moment. When I set the small wooden box down next to him he glances over curiously. “No peeking,” I reprimand softly. “It won’t be a surprise if you see it. Get comfortable, this might take a while.”

Though I can feel his curiosity, he obediently closes his eyes, stretching out for a moment before folding his hands under a pillow. “Is this okay?” he asks uncertainly.

“That’s perfect,” I murmur, starting to plant soft kisses along his spine.

“And you’re not going to tell me what you’re doing?”

I chuckle, straddling his hips and slowly running my palms over his skin. “Nope.”

He gives a soft huff as my weight settles over him. “Okay,” he says finally.

I can’t help but smile, and I press a soft kiss to the back of his neck as my fingers dig into the tense muscles of his lower back. I’m rewarded with a muffled groan as they release. “That’s it,” I murmur into his skin. “Just relax for me, sweetheart.” I can feel him fighting it for a minute, but as my fingers slide further up his body he quickly gives in to the gentle pressure. When I near his shoulder blades he tenses slightly, and I feel the shake of his breath as I softly kiss the spots where his wings would be. “You’re so incredible, Cas,” I say softly. “Wings or no wings. And I’m going to show you that.”

“You mean that wasn’t it?” he asks, puzzled.

I chuckle. “Not quite. Just stay still for me, okay?”

He nods his approval, and I quietly open the box, taking a deep breath and resting my free hand on his arm to keep him steady. At the first brushstroke across his skin he gives a startled gasp, his expression perplexed. “Are you…painting me?” he asks uncertainly.

“I am.”

“I didn’t know you could paint.”

I shrug a little, concentrating on the sharp outline unfolding across his back. “I don’t much. But I used to like art when we were in school. It was the only class I ever got an A in.”

Cas makes a thoughtful sound, but I can feel him relaxing under me. “So why are you painting me?”

“I told you, I want to show you something important,” I answer. “Besides, you’re way more entertaining to paint than a canvas.”

He chuckles softly, but seems content to lay there while I work, his muscles slowly softening under the strokes of the brush. Eventually, the soft rise and fall of his breaths evens out, and he fades in and out of consciousness, always slightly puzzled when he wakes only to huff softly when I run a hand through his hair. He gasps softly when the brush curves along his side, blushing. “Tickles…”

I laugh, kissing his cheek in apology. “Sorry. Almost done.” He nods, dozing off again, and after another few minutes I sit back to look at the finished product. It’s been years since I’ve painted anything seriously, but Cas is pretty good inspiration, and I’m pleased with the result. Stretched across his back is a pair of jet-black wings, the edges of each feather etched in gold. The longest feathers trail down along his spine to just above the hem of his pants and down his arms to his elbows, with others following the curve of his lower ribs. Quietly, I slip from the bed, finding the camera and carefully documenting it before he can stir and smudge it. Walking back to the bed, I find myself suddenly nervous, hesitating for a minute before leaning down to smooth his hair back. “Cas?”

He stirs, blinking up at me slowly before smiling. “Are you finished?” he murmurs, voice rough with sleep. I nod, and he grins. “Can I see it now?”

I bite my lip for a moment, but nod again, carefully helping him up and backing up towards the mirror. I kiss him softly before handing him the small hand mirror to allow him to see into the larger one. I can tell when he’s seen it by the shocked gasp he lets out, and he nearly drops the mirror he’s holding in surprise. He swallows, staring at it silently for a few minutes before my anxiety gets the better of me. “Please say something…”

Cas startles, seeming to remember I’m here for the first time, and his eyes shift between me and the mirror for a moment. “Dean, it’s…beautiful,” he whispers. “But…I don’t understand. Why…?”

I smile, walking closer to kiss him softly, settling my hands on his waist. He shudders when my fingers stroke over the rough paint lines along his ribs. “Because…it’s the closest I can get to giving you your wings back,” I answer softly, feeling his breaths lose their rhythm. “I love you, Cas. More than anything. And you…you’re incredible and beautiful and sweet and good, and I don’t think I’ve deserved you a day in my life, but goddamn do you make me want to try. Human or not, that’s always been true. It doesn’t make a difference to me. And you spend so much time trying to get me to believe that I’m important, I just…I wanted to show you the same thing.” I watch in shock as Cas’ eyes fill with tears, and he hugs me tightly, a soft sob escaping him, muffled in my chest. I wrap my arms around him, careful to avoid the design. “Baby, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to upset you…”

He lets out something between a laugh and a sob, shaking his head. “Thank you, Dean. I love you.”

He sniffs for a little while, slowly pulling away from my chest, and I wipe the wet tracks down his face gently. “Are you okay?” I ask cautiously.

Cas smiles. “Yes, Dean. I don’t know how you did it, but this was…exactly what I needed. Thank you.”

I nod, kissing him softly. “Of course…glad I could help.”

He glances over his shoulder at the mirror again, grinning. “You’re quite talented, Dean. I almost wish it wouldn’t come off.”

“Don’t worry,” I murmur, kissing his temple. “I took plenty of pictures.”

“Good,” he chuckles. “I’m sorry for this morning. I’ll just have to find some way to make this up to you.”

I laugh, hugging him tighter. “You don’t really have to. But if you want to, I certainly won’t argue.”

He sits down with me on the bed again, thoughtfully tracing his fingers over my tattoo. “Perhaps I’ll use your pictures to make it more permanent.”

“Never thought you’d be one for ink, Cas,” I tease.

He grins at me. “Well you do make it look so appealing,” he murmurs, kissing over the pentagram lightly. “Did it hurt?”

“A little,” I shrug. “It wasn’t so bad. Why? Are you really thinking about getting one?” He doesn’t answer, but his eyes travel to my shoulder, tracing his handprint lightly. “Now that one hurt like a bitch,” I tease.

“Of course,” he chuckles. “I was just thinking…I’ve had you marked for so long. It was unintentional, of course, but it’s still mine. What if I want a mark that’s yours?” I raise an eyebrow at him, tracing my fingers over the still-tender bruises scattered over his throat, and he smiles. “I mean a more permanent one. You’ve marked my heart, but…I want people to know that I’m yours.”

Something tightens in my chest, and I take a deep breath, watching as his fingers gently trace the outline again. “Uh, actually, I was…sort of thinking about that.”

“You were?” he asks, resting his head under my chin.

I nod, hesitating before leaning in to kiss him softly. “Yeah, for a while now. I was thinking, maybe, if you don’t mind, you might wanna…” I chuckle, hugging him tighter. “Maybe I should try that again.”

He nods, kissing my chest softly. “Take your time.”

I hold him close for a minute. “Hey Cas?”

“Hmm?” he answers.

“How’d you feel about marrying me?”

Cas sits up so suddenly that I have to pull back to stop him from crashing his head into my jaw. “Marry you?” he repeats softly. “Really?”

That little twinge of nervousness settles in my stomach again, and I shrug. “Yeah, I mean, only if you want to. I mean, you’re kind of…it for me, you know? And I think by now everybody knows it.”

“And you’d…be okay with that?” he asks cautiously. “That’s…kind of a big declaration.”

I laugh, nodding. “Yeah, I know. It’s kinda crazy. I never thought I’d be comfortable with that kind of thing. But…I want people to know I’m yours too. And that’s kinda the best way humans know how.” I pause, raising an eyebrow at him. “You still haven’t given me an answer.”

Slowly, a wide grin spreads across his face, and he very nearly tackles me to the bed in an effort to kiss me senseless. “Dean Winchester, you are…truly unlike any other human to ever walk this earth.”

“Is that a yes?” I ask cautiously.

He laughs, kissing me hard again. “Yes, Dean. I would love to marry you. On one condition.”

“What’s that?”

It’s his turn to blush. “Angels have a similar ceremony. I don’t know if it would work for us, but if we can do it, I’d…very much like to bond with you.”

“Yeah, okay. But  I thought we were already angel mates or something.”

He nods. “We are. Bonding is…something like the last step in the process. Like I said, I don’t know if we can do it, being that we’re both human, but I’d like to try, if that’s alright with you.”

“Of course it’s alright with me,” I chuckle, kissing him softly. “I’d like that too. I’ll scream it from the rooftops if I have to.”

Cas laughs, hugging me tightly. “I don’t think that’s quite necessary,” he murmurs, “But I wouldn’t mind if you said it quietly.”

I smile, nodding. “Alright then. I love you, Castiel. I always will. And I guess now I can give you this.”

He watches curiously as I rummage around in the nightstand for a minute, coming back with a small box. I open it carefully, taking out the ring inside and running my finger over the tiny, engraved wings. Cas gasps softly when I hold it up for him to see. “Dean…how long have you had that?”

“Let’s just say an embarrassingly long time,” I admit. “It’s not quite a tattoo or a handprint, but if you want people to know…”

I hold it out to him, and he smirks. “I think you’re supposed to put it on.” I roll my eyes at him, but slip it into his finger. He grins, looking at it for a minute before kissing me hard again. “Gabriel is going to be mad he missed this,” he murmurs.

“I’m sure he won’t pass up celebrating anyway.”

 

* * *

 

 

 It turns out that I’m right, and it isn’t long after they get home that Sam notices the ring. “Hey Cas,” he asks curiously, “Where you get the…” He pauses, glancing at me. “Did you…?”

I glance to Cas, who smiles and shrugs. “Oh, uh…yeah, I sort of…asked Cas to marry me.” Sam makes a choked-off, shocked sound, and Gabriel whoops before the entire living room is full of confetti. I can hear Cas coughing as I try to swat the bits of paper away from my face. “GABRIEL!” Somewhere under the commotion is the distinct sound of laughter. Just as soon as it appeared, the colorful cloud is gone. Sam still looks shocked, and Cas looks pissed, still spitting out bits of confetti.

“What?” Gabriel says innocently. “I was just a little excited!”

I roll my eyes, patting Cas on the back as he coughs up the rest of what he inhaled. “Hey Dean?” Sam says quietly. “Can I talk to you for a minute?” I nod, leaving Cas to argue with Gabriel. “You asked him to marry you?” he asks in disbelief once we’re far enough away.

“I, uh…yeah. He was talking about some stuff and I just…thought it was the right time.” I hesitate, glancing up at him. “Are you…mad?”

Sam frowns for a moment. “What? No, of course not. I’m just…surprised, I guess. I never thought you’d ask anyone to marry you.”

“Yeah, tell me about it,” I murmur. “I don’t know what it is, Sammy, but he’s…he’s it for me. You said it yourself; I’m different since he came along.”

He nods slowly. “Yeah, you are different. And…you’re sure this is what you want?”

I pause for a minute, debating how to answer him. “I threw out those old porn mags from the library yesterday,” I say finally.

If possible, Sam looks even more surprised. “Really?”

“Yeah. I haven’t looked at any kind of porn in…months. A year, maybe. Haven’t even wanted to.”

Sam tilts his head in a decidedly Cas-like gesture. “Well that’s…interesting,” he says after a minute. “Is it, like, a moral thing? Like you don’t want to now that Cas is here?”

I shake my head. “No, I don’t think so. The thing is, when I think back about all that stuff, and all the girls and everything…I don’t know why I even wanted to. I couldn’t even tell you why I started to begin with.”

He bites his lip for a moment, considering it. “The same reason I used to climb into your bed when we were kids,” he says quietly.

“Are you trying to tell me you had sexual feelings for me?” I ask, raising an eyebrow at him.

He makes a frustrated, disgusted sound. “Dude, gross. No. I’m saying…our whole childhood we were denied affection. I mean, dad barely ever touched us. He certainly never hugged us. I didn’t have it so bad, because I had you. But you didn’t. When you’re starved for human contact like that, you take it however you can get it. I think you chased girls because they made you feel important. But you have Cas now, and he…he makes you feel loved.”

I frown at him for a minute, sighing. “You’re going soft, Sammy.”

He chuckles, shaking his head. “You started it jerk.”

“Bitch,” I shoot back. “But…really, you’re okay with this?”

Sam smiles, nodding. “Yeah, Dean. I’m happy for you. Congratulations.”

When we go back to the living room Gabriel seems to have sobered, talking seriously with Cas.

He glances up when we walk in, and Cas smiles, slipping an arm around my waist. Gabriel frowns at me for a moment. “Are you really serious about this?” he asks.

I nod, pulling Cas in closer. “I am. Is that okay with you?”

He stares at me for a minute before nodding. “As long as you understand what this means, I’ll do what I can to help.”

I nod slowly. “Thanks. I know it’s a big deal, but I’m not going anywhere.”

He considers it for a moment, then nods again. “Alright. Then I guess I’m okay with this. So let’s see if we can get you bonded.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please please let me know what you think! It helps me stay motivated, and there's some cool stuff coming up for this story. Thanks for reading!
> 
> TheSongSmith


	20. Waver

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello my lovelies! I am so, so very sorry this took so long. This chapter has been in the works for a while but things have been crazy with finals and the holidays and family drama. I'm actually writing to you from Rome right now on a trip, but I couldn't sleep and wanted to post this for you.
> 
> *Small disclaimer* Um, a lot of this turned into porn. I don't know you guys, it didn't start off that way and then it kinda took on a life of its own. Next one will be a majority plot, I promise!

In the morning I wake to light touches moving across my skin. When I open my eyes I find Cas grinning at me. He leans down to kiss me softly, continuing to draw light patterns over my back. “Good morning to you too,” I mumble when he pulls back. “What’s that for?”

He gives a little shrug as I sit up and stretch, yawning. “Just happy to see you. And I have some good news.”

I rub my eyes groggily, blinking at him. “What’s the good news?”

Cas’ grin widens. “Gabriel believes he’s found a way to bind us.”

I try my best to hide my surprise. “Oh. That was…fast.”

“It’s been almost a month,” he answers, frowning slightly. “What’s wrong? Are you having second thoughts?”

I sigh softly, shaking my head. “No, of course not. I just…are you sure this is what you want?”

His frown deepens. “Why wouldn’t it be?”

I shrug sheepishly. “I just…don’t want you to regret it later.”

Cas stares at me for a while before the understand dawns on him. “This is about you,” he says softly. “You still don’t believe I could be happy with you.” I don’t answer, looking away from him. He stays quiet for a little while before standing up. I flinch, sure he’s angry until a gentle hand settles on my shoulder. “Go take a shower, Dean.”

I look up at him, puzzled. “What?”

He smiles, leaning in to kiss me softly. “Go wash yourself. Thoroughly. And then meet me downstairs. I have something I want to show you.” I look at him doubtfully, and he chuckles. “It’s okay, I promise. Now go.”

* * *

  
I shower and dry off quickly, a little apprehensive about what he’s doing. When I go downstairs he’s sitting on a bench in the playroom waiting for me. Before I can say anything he motions me over, holding up a plate of food. I sit down cautiously, watching him as I start to eat. After a few minutes he chuckles. “You look nervous.”

“I’m still not sure what you’re doing.”

Cas smiles. “Trust me, Dean. It’s going to be okay.”

“But what do you want?” I ask.

He shrugs. “For now? I want you to eat. I’ll explain the rest later.”

I sigh, looking at him for a minute before nodding slowly. “Okay. Are you…mad?”

“I could never be angry with you for how you feel,” he says softly. He sighs, reaching out to take my free hand. “I am…angry at the people who gave you this idea about yourself. And it hurts me to know that you don’t see your own worth. But I am not angry with you.”

I frown, glancing away. “I do try,” I murmur. “I know it’s important to you, and sometimes I really do believe you…this is the closest I’ve ever been in my life to valuing myself. It’s just sometimes…”

“You still have your doubts,” he finishes, hugging me closer. “I understand, Dean. And I’m very proud of you for the progress you’ve made. It really is a huge step. I’d never expect this to be fixed all at once. Not after so many years with this feeling. That’s why I try so hard to remind you how important you are. I want to help you believe it.”

Slowly, I look up at him, smiling slightly. “You really do help, you know? I’ve never even considered thinking about myself like this before you…”

“I’m glad,” he answers, smiling back. “And that’s what I want to do now. I want you to see yourself the way I see you.”

“How?” I ask cautiously.

Cas pauses for a minute. “Do you trust me?” he asks. I nod slowly. “Okay. Then let me show you.”

He wanders over to a new addition to the room, something fairly large that’s covered with a sheet. When he pulls the fabric away I find myself staring at my own confused expression. “A mirror?” I ask, puzzled. “What’s that for?”

“For showing you what I see,” he answers, smiling. “Look.” Gently, he guides me closer, his arms wrapping around my waist as he watches over my shoulder. Out of reflex, I avoid my reflection, focusing on his instead. “You know you’re not supposed to be looking at me,” he admonishes softly. “I’ll step away if I have to.” Without my permission, an embarrassingly frightened sound escapes me as I grip his arm harder. His expression softens a little, and he presses closer. “Don’t worry. I’m not going anywhere, alright? Just look at yourself for a minute. You remember your color words?”

I nod, reluctantly dragging my gaze back to myself, trying not to cringe. “I’m sorry,” I murmur. “This isn’t really my thing.”

Cas smiles, nodding. “I know. That’s alright. You’re trying. That’s what matters. Can you tell me what you see?”

A familiar wave of panic rises up in my chest, and I shake my head quickly. “Yellow…”

“Okay,” Cas says gently. “We don’t have to talk about that right now. Take some deep breaths. You let me know when you’re ready to continue.”

I nod, closing my eyes and slowly relaxing into the light pressure of Cas’ hold. “Green,” I say after a few minutes.

Cas smiles. “Good boy. Come on, let’s try to look together.” I nod, taking a deep breath before I open my eyes again, finding him watching me in the mirror. I consider myself again, glancing away. “Broken…” I murmur. He looks at me curiously. “That’s what I see.”

Slowly, Cas nods, kissing my cheek softly. “Okay. Thank you for your honesty.”

“W-What do you see?” I whisper after a minute.

Cas smiles softly. “I was hoping you’d ask. I see…the most precious gift I have ever been given,” he answers softly.

“Yellow.”

He nods, waiting patiently.

“Green.”

“Okay. Can you tell me why that upsets you?”

I hesitate, biting my lip. “I don’t…I’m not…that. I’m…so much more trouble than I’m worth, Cas. I’m…moody and stubborn and useless and I can’t talk about important shit. I definitely don’t deserve you. I can’t even take a compliment without being halfway to a panic attack…”

Cas makes a thoughtful sound, his fingers tangling in the hair at the back of my head and tugging lightly. For some reason, it soothes some of the ache that’s taken up residence in my chest. “And these are the first things you think about when you look at yourself?” I nod slowly. “Well, we’re going to have to change that, aren’t we?”

I frown at him for a moment, confused. “You can’t change things that are true, Cas…”  
“I’m aware. But those things are only true in your head, Dean. Do you want to know what I see?” I hesitate for a moment, considering it, then nod. Cas smiles, considering my reflection in the mirror. “I see a man who loves others so much that he’s given up his own life and happiness time and time again to ensure that the people he loves are okay. Who would always sacrifice himself for the greater good. Someone who’s been trained to believe that he is undeserving of things like love and being valued. Has it ever occurred to you that, in all the time we’ve had this arrangement, you’ve almost never asked me for anything that you want?”

I glance over at him, shaking my head. “Of course not. You’re the one in charge here.”

Cas chuckles, slipping around to stand between me and the mirror. “Yes, but that doesn’t mean you don’t have any desires, Dean. We decided to do this to help both of us. Part of my job here is making sure I’m giving you what you need. I have some idea, but I’m not a mind reader anymore. I need you to tell me what you want sometimes.”

I swallow, closing my eyes. “I don’t talk about what I want because I don’t think I deserve it,” I admit quietly.

“I know,” Cas murmurs. “I think your view of what you deserve is somewhat skewed. Perhaps you should let me decide for a while. But I need you to be honest with me about what you need from me, especially when you start to feel like this about yourself. You don’t have to go through this alone. You are the best thing that’s ever happened to me, Dean. And it’s okay if you need to be reminded of that sometimes. But I don’t know if you don’t talk to me.” To save myself from having to answer I lean in, kissing him softly. Cas chuckles, tugging my hair a little harder. When he pulls away he smiles. “Alright. Let me show you what I think you deserve.”

The panic is back, and I shake my head hard. “No!”

“No?” he repeats, puzzled. “You don’t want me to make you feel good? Why?”

I look away from him, taking a breath. “You…you’re always doing that. You’re always focusing on my pleasure, even if I haven’t earned it, and…it’s good. It’s really good. But I did this because…I mean, I want…”

Cas smiles, stroking my cheek softly. “You can do it. Take a deep breath, and tell me what you want.”

I have to close my eyes before I can force the words out. “I…I w-want to serve you,” I manage, not higher than a whisper. “You treat me like this precious thing, and most of the time I love that, but…sometimes I don’t need sweet and gentle. I need…I need to be used. I need to be good.”

It’s quiet for a moment, and when I gather the courage to look up Cas is grinning. “Good boy. Why don’t you strip for me, and we’ll see what we can do about that.”

“…Really?” I ask uncertainly. “You want to do this?”

Cas chuckles. “I told you, Dean. I want to give you what you need. All you ever have to do is ask. So take a minute, take some deep breaths, and then we’ll put you to good use.”

I nod, pulling him closer as the relief washes over me at the promise, and Cas laughs, hugging me tightly until my breaths slow. He gives me a reassuring smile as I pull back to prepare myself, folding my clothes carefully and placing them up on a shelf. When I turn back he’s settled back in a chair, watching calmly. I take another breath before walking over, slowly sinking to my knees in front of him and closing my eyes as I relax into the position. “You look calmer already,” he muses after a minute, running a hand lightly through my hair. “This really is what you need, isn’t it?”

I feel the heat rush to my cheeks as I nod slightly. There’s a sharp tap against my cheek; a reprimand. “Yes Sir,” I correct. “Please…”

“Good boy. I’m going to give you everything you need, I promise. But first I have to make sure we’re on the same page here.

So I’m going to have you answer a question for me. I want you to say the first thing that comes to your mind, without fear. I will not shame you for whatever you say, but if you are not honest with me I will know, and there will be consequences. Understood?”

I nod again, quickly adding “Yes Sir,” in response to his raised eyebrow.

“Alright then. Here’s the question: What do you want?”

“I want to be a good slave for you, Sir,” I blurt out.

It takes Cas’ sharp intake of breath for me to realize what I’ve said, and I can feel the blush returning, but Cas smiles, leaning closer to kiss me softly. “Don’t ever be too embarrassed to tell me what you want,” he murmurs against my lips. “Especially not when it’s something so fucking hot.”

I can’t help the thrill that runs through me at the knowledge that I’ve brought out dirty-talking Cas, but it’s equaled by the relieved realization that he wants this too. “Understood, Sir.” I relax further into my position, keeping still when Cas stands and walks behind me. I listen to the soft shuffling sounds before he returns, running a hand through my hair as a reward.

“Good. Look at me.” He waits until I glance up, assessing my expression for a moment. “I had something of an idea,” he explains. “I want you to tell me what you think. It’s occurred to me that this has been something you’ve wanted for a while, but were too embarrassed to ask me for. Am I correct?” I nod sheepishly. “I thought so. I also thought that perhaps it might be easier in the future if I gave you a nonverbal cue. I know you don’t like collars, so I thought this might work instead.” He takes my hand dropping a cold silver chain into my palm. I glance down at it, running my fingers lightly over the pendant, a single wing. “I hope that one day you will become more comfortable asking me for these things, but for now, I thought this might make it easier to communicate. This way all you have to do when you want or need this is hand this to me, and I’ll understand without you struggling to say it. What do you think?”

I smile, looking down at the necklace. “I think it’s perfect, Sir,” I answer. “And I think we’ll be doing a lot more of this.”

Cas laughs, nodding. “Yes, something tells me you need this far more often than you’re willing to ask for it. One step at a time, pet,” he chuckles, smirking at my shiver. I nod, handing the necklace to him and closing my eyes as he carefully fastens it around my neck. “Now that that’s settled, we need some rules for this game, don’t we?” He says conversationally as he sits down again. “Good little slaves have one job. Do you know what it is?”

“To please their Masters, Sir.”

He smiles, nodding. “That’s right, pet. And that is what we’re going to use you for today. We’re going to use the color system for now. If you can’t speak I want you to tap me once for green, twice for yellow, and three times to safeword, and you may not come without permission. We’ll see if you deserve to later. Do you have any questions or concerns about the rules?”

“No Sir,” I say quickly.

Cas chuckles. “Alright then. Let’s see what you can do.”

I watch as he strips off his sweatpants and boxers, then sits back in the chair with his knees spread wide and his cock already hard and curving towards his belly. I want so much to reach out and touch, but I force myself to stay still and wait, though I watch intently as he leans back, stroking himself slowly. “You look like you have something to say,” he chuckles. “Speak.”

I swallow hard, glancing up to his face. “Please may I suck your cock Sir?”

Cas grins, shifting closer until his knees rest on either side of my shoulders, putting me inches away from where his hand is still lazily stroking. “Desperate for my cock, aren’t you?” he teases. “You didn’t even hesitate to ask.”

“Yes Sir,” I murmur, already panting softly. “Such a needy slut for your cock…”

It takes a second to realize what I’ve said, but I only have a minute of doubt before I hear Cas’ possessive growl in answer. He takes a deep breath, looking at me curiously. “Color?”

“Green.”

“That’s what you are, huh?”

I nod quickly, too overwhelmed to be embarrassed. “Fuck, yes…”

Cas laughs, stroking his free hand through my hair. “Take a deep breath, Dean. We’re just getting started.” I nod, taking a minute to slow down my breaths again before looking up at him. “Good boy. No hands. Get to work.”  
I shift to all fours to get a better position, and the jittery feeling I’ve had about this confession all but disappears at the soft noise of pleasure Cas lets out as I wrap my lips around him. Something warm spreads through my chest as his hand settles on the back of my neck. It’s a light touch, but the security of it is comforting, and the buzzing doubts in my head quiet enough to let me focus on the task at hand. Cas is safe. I can let go now. He’ll keep me safe, and all I have to do is obey.

Cas groans softly, his grip in my hair tightening as I take him deeper. When I glance up he’s watching me intently. He grins when he notices me looking. “Good boy,” he murmurs, his hips starting to rock forward. “So pretty when you suck my cock, aren’t you?” I moan in agreement, and he gasps. “Who would’ve thought,” he chuckles. “Big, tough monster hunter…You’re so stubborn, Dean…and so thick-headed sometimes…but all I have to do is put you on your knees, and you turn into this gorgeous creature for me.” I blush at the praise, arching my back as Cas’ free hand skims along my spine, fingers teasing over my ass. “You submit so beautifully for me, pet,” he says, softer. “So eager to please…so obedient…such a good little slave.”

His hand comes down over my hole with a sharp smack, and I jolt forward, taking him as deep as possible and moaning loudly, hearing his muffled curse. “Stop,” he growls. I freeze, but his tight grip keeps me in place. He pants softly for a moment, his fingers stroking lightly through my hair. “Color?” he asks finally. I tap his thigh once. “Good. How do you feel about staying like this for a little while?” I consider it for a moment. It’s not the most comfortable position, but if I focus on breathing through my nose I can do it, and something tells me it’ll be worth it. I tap him once, and he smiles. “Good boy. Tap twice if you need a break, understood?” I nod a little, closing my eyes and focusing on the feel of his fingers on my skin.  
Though uncomfortable at first, the weight of his cock on my tongue is soothing in a way I’m not quite ready to think about. Luckily, I don’t have to for long. I’m not sure where he got the lube from, but slick fingers are teasing at my rim, and I groan softly, managing to spread my knees and arch my back a little further, hearing his soft chuckle. “Good boy. I’m so proud of you. That’s right where you belong, isn’t it? On your knees, having that smart mouth of yours filled with a nice big cock. I might have to start keeping you here more often.”

I moan my approval, and the muscles in his thighs twitch lightly, his hips starting a slow rhythm. It’s all I can do to keep my throat open and my breaths even, and Cas’ head tips back, letting out a low moan. “So good for me, Dean,” he murmurs. “I could fuck that pretty mouth all day long, and you’d let me so easily. You’d love that, wouldn’t you?” I nod, and he thrusts a little harder. “I know, baby. And maybe I will soon. But that’s not the only part of you I want to use today.” He pulls my head back until his cock pops free, and I look up to find him watching me fondly. I groan loudly as one of his fingers slips smoothly into my body, and he growls softly in answer. “Oh pet, you’re such a slut for my cock, aren’t you? Look how easy that pretty pink hole opens up for me…”

I nod, pushing back against his finger. Suddenly it’s gone, and I don’t have time to mourn the loss before his hand comes down in another sharp smack. I yelp, then push my ass back again, getting rewarded with another one before two fingers are shoving deep. He doesn’t seek out my prostate like usual, and it occurs to me that it’s because this is about his pleasure, not mine. The thought only makes me more desperate, and Cas laughs, a third finger pushing in beside the first two. “Look what a good boy you can be. Even your body obeys me. You know what that means, pet?”

“Yours…” I choke out, thinking I could come just from listening to him talk.

“That’s right,” he answers. “It means I own your body and your mind, don’t I?” I whimper again, and I don’t realize I’m begging until he shushes me softly. “I know, I know,” he murmurs. “Needy little sluts like you need to be filled, don’t they?” I manage something close to an affirmation, and Cas chuckles. “Poor boy. Let’s see if you’ve earned it, shall we?” His fingers withdraw with a loud, wet sound, and he laughs at my soft whimpers of protest, slowly sitting me up. “I’m not done with you yet. Come on.”

He carefully pulls me to my feet, steadying me when my knees give out and walking me over to the bed in the corner. Once on my knees he pushes me down until my chest rests on the bed, ass in the air, keeping me still with one possessive hand at the back of my neck. Two fingers slip back into me, and I melt into his hands, moaning softly. “That’s my good boy,” he murmurs, pressing soft kisses to the backs of my thighs. “So obedient and relaxed for me, taking whatever I give you. You think you’ve earned my cock?”

“Fuck…” I murmur into the sheets. “Yes, please…want to be good…”

His hand slips down to stroke lightly along my leaking cock, and my breaths grow frantic again. “Look how hard you are, pet. You’ve been so good for me. And you are so pretty when you beg…”

I can feel his cock sliding over my hole, and when the head catches slightly on the rim it’s too much. “Oh please, fuck me Daddy!” I cry out.

Cas’ motion stills for a moment, and I’m about to start apologizing when I hear his low groan. “That what you need, baby boy?” he pants, his fingers digging into my hip. “Need Daddy’s cock to fill you up? Stretch that little hole and mark you up inside so you don’t forget who you belong to?”

I can’t say I’ve ever had much of a daddy kink before, but I seem to be developing one quickly, and fuck if hearing him say that isn’t the best goddamn thing I’ve ever heard. “Yes…need you so bad…”

He thrusts in with one smooth motion, and I nearly sob in relief, clutching the sheets near my head. “Good boy,” he mutters, slowly picking up speed. “Feel better with Daddy inside you?”

“Fuck, yes…” I moan. “Feels so good, Daddy…more, please!”

Cas growls again, working up to a vicious pace that takes my breath away, and all I can do is let him pound into me, unsure if what comes out of my mouth is still English or not. He squeezes my hip hard enough to leave bruises as I feel his release, moaning loudly into the sheets and clenching around him. He pants hard for a moment, his grip loosening, and then suddenly he’s gone, and I nearly sob, because this can’t be a dream; not when I’ve finally gotten to have this.

The whimper that escapes is entirely too frightened, but immediately the warm hands are back, one pressing down firmly between my shoulder blades, keeping me in place, while the other skims lightly along my spine. “Shh baby boy, Daddy’s right here. Calm down for me. What color?” I can’t seem to make the connection from brain to mouth, but I do manage to reach out, tapping whatever I make contact with twice. “Okay,” he murmurs, “Take your time. I’ve got you.”

Once the overwhelming mix of arousal and fear subsides a little I manage to open my eyes, finding him kneeling at my head, petting softly through my hair. “I’m good,” I mumble, pressing into his touch. “Sorry.”

“Nothing to be sorry for,” he answers, smiling. “Can you tell me what happened?”

I feel myself flush, dropping my gaze. “It was just…for a minute, when I didn’t know where you were, I thought this might’ve been a dream. I thought it wasn’t real.”

He nods slowly. “And you were upset because you thought this was being taken away from you?”

I shrug sheepishly. “I don’t usually get to keep the good things. Wouldn’t be the first time…”

“It’ll be the last if I have anything to say about it,” he murmurs, leaning down to kiss my temple. “I’m sorry for frightening you. I shouldn’t have let go so suddenly.”

I shake my head, smiling. “It’s not your fault. I think I was just a little overwhelmed.”

“I don’t doubt that,” he chuckles. “I’m so proud of you. You’re doing so good. Do you want to continue, or should we end here for now?”

I snort. “Are you kidding me? I’ve never been so turned on in my life. Don’t you dare stop!”  
Cas laughs, his fingers tracing lightly up my spine. “I was hoping you’d say that. Think you can be a good boy for me a little longer?”

I nod, closing my eyes again and relaxing under his hands. “Yes Daddy…”

His hand moves further back, nails raking lightly over one ass cheek, and I moan softly. “Keep that pretty ass up for me,” he orders. “Don’t want any of Daddy’s cum leaking out, now do we?” I whine, shaking my head. “Speaking of, I could use a little assistance in cleaning up. Perhaps if you do a good job, I’ll consider returning the favor.” The words shoot straight to my cock, and I moan, eagerly lifting my head to look at him. Cas grins, carefully guiding his cock to my lips and moaning as I sink onto it. “Oh, Dean…ahh…You’re such a good little cock sucker, aren’t you?” I groan, nodding. After a few minutes I pull off with a pop, shifting lower to suck lightly on his balls, being rewarded when his grip in my hair tightens. “Good boy,” he murmurs. “I think you need some cleaning up too. But I need you to do one more thing for me.” I look at him curiously, and he smiles, letting his hand trail over my skin as he moves behind me. Across the room, I spot the mirror again. “Tell me what you see,” he murmurs.

I consider my reflection for a moment, blushing at the submissive stance. Still, I don’t get the same jolt of shame as before, so I take time to examine the view as Cas waits patiently, absently stroking his fingertips over the backs of my thighs. “I see…a good boy,” I answer finally, avoiding his gaze in the mirror, which means I don’t see him lean in to drag his tongue over my hole. I yelp in surprise, hearing him chuckle. When I look back at him he’s grinning. “You’ve got the right answer. So let me clean you up, and then I’m going to give you what you’ve earned.”

I muffle my moan in the pillow when he leans in again, panting softly. “What…what do you see?” I manage in between breaths. He glances up at our reflection, thinking for a moment. “I see my beautiful boy,” he murmurs, one hand sliding along my ribs. “And the love of my existence.”

I don’t get the chance to argue before he’s back on task, and I can’t think straight enough to do anything but moan and plead for more. When I’m just on the brink of orgasm he slows to a stop, and I whimper loudly in protest. “No, please Daddy, please let me come…’M a good boy, please…”

Gentle hands stroke over my skin, grounding me as he shushes me softly. “You’re a very good boy,” he murmurs, pressing light kisses along my spine. “Of course Daddy will let you come. You were so good that I have an extra special reward for you. Take some deep breaths, sweetheart. I promise it’ll be worth it. Trust me.”

I nod, focusing on his gentle touch, and the desperate need dies down a little. “Trust you Daddy,” I mumble into the sheets.

“Good boy. You just relax. Let me take care of you.” I feel his weight settle on the bed, and then strong arms are wrapped around me, slowly pulling me upright. He leans me back against his chest, my knees bent around the outside of his, leaving me cradled against him, surrounded by his warmth. I can’t help but let out a soft moan, and Cas smiles, kissing my temple. “I had a feeling you’d like this better.”

I watch him curiously as he reaches for a bottle of lube beside the bed, spreading a little between his thumbs and forefingers. “Don’t you think you need a little more than that?”

He laughs. “Not for this. You’ve been on edge for a while now, and you did so well holding back for me. That means all your nerves are going to be extra sensitive. I thought we might experiment with that a little. This way I can watch you fall apart nice and slow.”

Any reply I might have had dies on my tongue when his hands move up to my chest, lubed fingers sliding smoothly over my nipples. I gasp softly, arching up into the touch. “Shit…”

Cas chuckles. “I take it that means you approve of this plan?” he asks, continuing the light teasing.

I nod eagerly, groaning softly as he pinches both between his slippery fingers. “Fuck yes Daddy…so good…please touch me…”

“Believe me, pet, I intend to do that for a long time. You may come whenever you’re ready. I’m so proud of you.”

I let my head fall back against his shoulder as he teases. “Want to be good…”

Cas smiles, pinching a little harder and making me gasp. “You’re so good, sweetheart. I can’t tell you how happy it makes me when you’re honest with me about what you want. And I particularly love giving it to you.”

I blush at the praise, my body giving the occasional involuntary jerk under his touch. “Even if it’s weird?”

He snorts, shifting his hips, and I feel a distinct shape against my back. “I don’t think anything you’ve asked for is weird. I’ve rather enjoyed it so far. I hope you’ll let me do it again soon.” One of his hands slides lower, running nails lightly along my inner thigh where it spreads around his legs, and I shudder, hearing his soft intake of breath when I press back against his quickly growing erection. “You’re so beautiful, pet,” he murmurs, kissing my neck softly. “I intend to take full advantage of that gorgeous body for as long as you’ll let me.”

The sparks of pleasure flowing through my system are amazing, but it still feels like something is missing, and when his hips give a slight roll I think I know what it is. I hesitate for a moment before glancing up at him. “…D-Daddy…?” I say softly. He glances down, not pausing his gentle touches. “May I…make a request? For something I want?”

“Of course you can Dean,” he answers, smiling. “Go ahead.”

I swallow, holding back a moan for a moment. “Can you…” I try to illustrate my point by grinding my ass back against him, and his eyes flutter closed for a moment.

“Are you sure you want that baby? I don’t want to hurt you…”

I shake my head. “Don’t have to move…just need to feel you… please.”

Slowly, Cas smiles, kissing my neck softly. “Do you need Daddy to fill you up baby boy?”

I nod, biting my lip at his words. “Yes, please Daddy… If that’s okay…”

Cas chuckles, smoothing my hair back softly. “Of course it’s okay sweetheart. I’m so proud of you for being honest and asking for what you want. That was very brave.” His hands shift to the backs of my thighs, carefully lifting me enough to line himself up. I moan softly as he slowly lowers me down. “That better?”

The feeling is overwhelmingly satisfying, and I grip his forearms tightly for a minute. "Much better," I breathe as my weight settles back into his lap. "Thank you."  
"Of course, Dean. Now relax."

* * *

 

When the pleasant, warm feeling fades a little I pry my eyes open, finding Cas smiling at me as he runs a damp washcloth over my skin. I blink at him for a moment, trying to process what happened, but everything is still slightly too fuzzy. Instead I curl up against him, humming softly at the gentle hand moving through my hair. "Feel okay? Nothing hurts?" he asks quietly. I nod, smiling a little as his grip on me tightens. "Good. I've got you. Deep breaths."

The next time I open my eyes we're back in the bedroom, and I look around for a moment before the memories slowly start to come back. I feel myself go red almost immediately, and when I look up at him he grins. "Really, Dean? You're doubting it already? That has to be some kind of record."

I sit up quickly, rubbing a hand over my face. "Jesus Cas, why did you let me do that?"

"Do what?" He asks curiously. "Why did I let you let go? Be honest with yourself, and with me?"

My face grows hotter, and I shake my head, refusing to look at him. "You shouldn't have...I didn't mean to let it get so out of hand...Fuck, I'm sorry..."

Cas shushes me softly. "Dean, what part of what happened makes you think I had a problem with anything you wanted? And you did want it. There's not much point in denying that now, is there?"

I glance up at him, frowning. "You're trying to tell me you're totally okay with everything."

"Did I seem like I wasn't?" He asks. "Dean, it's really okay. You didn't do anything wrong. All you did was ask for what you wanted, and there's nothing wrong with that, despite what you may believe. Everything is okay."

I frown at him for another minute. "You're weird."

Cas chuckles. "So you tell me. I'm rather okay with it."

I sigh, pressing closer. "I called you 'Daddy'," I mumble into his neck.

He nods. "Indeed you did."

"You don't think that's weird?"

He sighs softly. "Dean, it was something you said in the moment when you were desperate and trying to tell me what you wanted, and that just happens to be the way it came out. It was...out of character for you, but I think that might have been the point. If I had any problem with it I wouldn't have encouraged it. But I did, because it seemed like it helped you communicate your needs to me. I may not always entirely understand things, but I know you didn't say it because you wished to have intercourse with your father. And it worked to get you where you needed to be. Do you feel better than you did this morning?"

Sheepishly, I nod. "Yeah..."

"Alright then. It's fine. You have nothing to be embarrassed about. Besides, I wanted to show you what you mean to me. What better way then giving you what you need?"

I sigh, nodding slowly. "Okay, okay. I get your point. And I'm sorry for this morning. I really do want to do this bonding thing with you. I was just...kinda scared, I guess."

Cas smiles, leaning down to kiss me softly. "I know, Dean. It's alright. Just know you have nothing to be afraid of, alright? I'm not going anywhere." I nod, and he hugs me tighter for a moment. "So, Gabriel had to get a few things, but he should be back soon. We don't have to do it until you're ready."

"Tonight?" I ask.

"If that's what you want."

I think about it for a moment, then nods. "It is."

Cas smiles. "Okay then. Tonight."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> See, I told you it was porn. But I hope you still like it because honestly it's fun to write. I've got a ton of new ideas for this story all written down so hopefully the next chapters will be out ASAP. I'll be in airports a lot so probably. Love you, and please remember to review if you liked it!
> 
> Love,  
> TheSongSmith


	21. Bond

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello Everyone! Going back to school has been rough but I promised a new chapter and I have delivered! Enjoy!

"What do you mean I can't be there?" Sam asks.

Gabriel sighs. "It's a private thing, Sammy. I wouldn't be there either if I didn't have to be."

"But...he's my brother!"

"I know," he answers, softer. "And Cas is mine. But this ceremony is meant to be only between them. Believe me, you won't want an audience either when it's our turn. That's what the wedding is for."

I frown, nudging Gabriel with my shoulder. "Who said you were allowed to bond with my brother?"

Sam glares at me. "That's not your decision, Dean!"

Cas makes an annoyed sound, rising from where he's been sitting at the table watching this argument. "Alright, everyone needs to take a breath," he says calmly. "Sam, I am sorry. We're not trying to exclude you from anything, but this needs to be between me and Dean. Even Gabriel will only be present for a small part of it. I'm sure that when the time comes, you'll learn all about it," he says, ignoring my glare. "And Dean, Sam is right. That will be his decision to make, just as it was yours. Now, is everyone satisfied?"

Sam frowns for a moment, but finally nods. "Alright, fine. But I get to help with the wedding."

"Deal," Cas agrees. "Okay then. Dean, are you ready?"

The argument had been a distraction, but now I remember why we were having it in the first place. I have to take a deep breath to calm the nerves, but I nod. "Ready. Let's do this."

"Everything is set up," Gabriel says in answer to Cas' look. "I'll be in when you're ready for me."

Cas gives him a grateful look, reaching back for my hand and pulling me down the hall. He covers my eyes when we walk through the bedroom, lifting his hand when we reach the bathroom. It's dimmer than normal, with most of the light coming from candles resting on the counter. I look at him curiously, and he smiles. "It's not exactly typical," he explains, "But I thought we might relax for a little while first. I know you're still a bit nervous. I thought it might help."

I smile, kissing him softly. "Thanks. Let's do it." Cas smiles, pulling me towards the bathtub, and I hesitate. "I, uh...have something to show you." I pause, taking a breath before pulling my shirt over my head, and his eyes narrow as he sees the strip of gauze taped to my chest. "I'm okay," I say quickly. "I was just thinking, and...I know I get weird about it sometimes, but you know I really want this, right?"

"I know," he answers, still looking curiously at the bandage.

"Right, well, I was thinking...since I'm not really great at telling you how I feel, maybe I could show you instead, like you do for me. So when I went out this morning, I...did something."

He nods slowly, glancing up, puzzled. "Okay..."

I reach up to the edge of the tape, hesitating for a moment before carefully peeling it away. He gasps softly, slowly reaching out. His fingers brush over the anti-possession symbol, then shift to graze lightly at the skin under the new black wings surrounding it. When he looks up again, his eyes are wide.

"Dean..." He breathes glancing between the tattoo and my face.

"I know, it was kind of an impulse decision," I say quickly. "But...this is what I want, forever. So I thought maybe this way I could show you what you mean to me."

Slowly, a smile breaks through his shocked expression. "It's beautiful. Thank you."

"So you like it?" I ask cautiously.

He chuckles. "I love it. It's...very you. Does it hurt?"

I shrug, relieved. "A little. We'll have to be gentle with it for a little while. But I thought it was important."

Cas grins, pulling me closer to kiss me softly. "I love you."

"I love you too," I answer, smiling back. "Come on, the water will be cold."

I find myself immensely grateful that Cas thought to do this, because between the heat of the water and the solid grip of his hand around mine, my nerves almost disappear. He hums softly for a few minutes while I relax against him, kissing my shoulder softly. "It's weird," I murmur softly.

"What is?"

I shrug. "I was always too scared to be happy. I was so afraid that the second I let myself enjoy something it would be ripped away." I glance up at him, smiling. "I'm not afraid anymore."

Cas smiles, kissing me softly. "I'm glad. I promise you, I'm not going anywhere. You have nothing to be afraid of."

We dry off, pulling on pants, and Cas squeezes my hand. "Are you certain this is what you want?" He asks again.

I grin, leaning in to kiss him softly. "I'm completely certain. Let's go."

In the bedroom, Gabriel is arranging some small objects on a table, looking surprisingly serious. I raise an eyebrow at Cas, who shrugs. "This is one of the few things he takes very seriously."

Gabriel turns at his voice, smiling. "Come sit down." Cautiously, I take a seat on the bed, Cas sitting down across from me. He smiles, reaching over my for hands and giving them a reassuring squeeze. "Alright," Gabriel says when we're settled. "Here we go."

He picks up a shiny silver dagger, handing it to Cas, who draws it across his palm, letting the blood drip into a bowl. Gabriel wipes the blade before handing it to me, waiting until I follow. I watch curiously as he adds some other unfamiliar ingredients, murmuring in Enochian as he stirs. He hands the bowl to Cas, who smiles, dipping his fingers into the red paste and starting to paint symbols onto my chest, being careful around the fresh ink. "What does it mean?" I ask him softly.

"Essentially, it's a claim," he explains. "It means that you are my mate for the rest of eternity." He sits back for a moment, checking over his work before handing the bowl to me. "Your turn." Carefully, I draw similar symbols onto his skin, checking to make sure they match the ones on the paper. He looks them over, giving them an approving nod.

"Good," Gabriel says. "Have you decided where you want your marks to be?"

I raise an eyebrow at Cas, who smiles, his eyes falling to my shoulder. "We're both human now. This kind of power will leave a mark on us both, the way it did on you when I pulled you from hell. I can do mine on top of your old one, if that's alright with you."

"Sure," I nod. "But...I'm leaving one on you too?"

He nods. "Wherever you want." I consider it for a moment, slowly reaching out and pressing my palm over his heart. When I glance up he smiles and nods his approval. "It's not going to hurt you, is it?"

"They'll both be a little tender for a while," Gabriel answers. "But it won't be too bad. Did Cas explain what happens in a bond like this?"

"He told me what usually happens with angels," I murmur. "That sometimes you can feel...emotions, or thoughts or something from the other one and all that. He said it's impossible to know if that can happen with us since it's never happened with two humans."

The archangel nods. "That's true. And you're okay accepting that uncertainty?"

I look over to Cas and smile. "Yeah. I'm okay with that."

He takes each of our wrists, putting my left hand over Cas' right, then picking up a long silver rope. "Once I put this on, no touching anywhere but here, alright? Whatever you touch is what you're going to mark, and I'd hate for it to be an unfortunate place."

"What is it?" I ask, watching as he winds the string around our hands, letting it travel up our wrists before tying it off.

"It's the best way to do this without me intruding on your private moment," he answers. "When you're ready, put your hands on the spot you want to mark. I've altered this to make it activate what's left of Cas' angel biology, if you will, and start the bonding process. Now, I can't promise it'll be comfortable. It tends to be intense even for many angels, so I don't know how it will be for you. It'll probably be a little easier for Cas since he wasn't human originally, but I don't know."

Cas frowns for a moment. "This is...safe for him, isn't it?"

Gabriel smiles. "It'll be a bit overwhelming, but I won't let anything bad happen, I promise. Just hold onto each other until it's over."

"How do we know if it's over?" I ask.

He smirks. "You'll know." He reaches out, ruffling our hair. "Alright boys, this is where I leave you. Make good choices."

"Hey Gabriel?" I say before he leaves. "Thank you." He smiles, nodding, before closing the door quietly behind him.

Cas smiles, looking down at our bound hands for a moment before glancing up. "Nervous?"

"Kind of," I admit. "You?"

He nods quickly. "Terrified."

I laugh, squeezing his hand tighter. "So this is it, huh? I wonder what it'll feel like."

"There's only one way to find out," he points out.

I nods, smiling. "True. So? Shall we?"

 

* * *

 

The moment my hand touches skin a strange warmth starts to travel up my arm, and Cas gasps softly, looking up at me. "I love you," he murmurs. I try to respond, and I think I just manage it before the lightning hits. It's like flames licking through my veins, and everything besides the contact point dissolves. I don't think I could move my hand from his chest if I wanted to, and at the moment it's the only solid thing, so I wouldn't even think about letting go. I feel strangely out of breath as I hold tightly to him, unable to hear anything beyond the blood rushing in my ears. It's both terrifying and incredible, and then it's quiet.

The first thing I'm aware of is a muffled yell, followed by hands on my shoulders. I try to open my eyes, to move anything at all, but my muscles seem locked in their tense, trembling state, and I can't control them. There's a voice, and then a third hand is on me, pressed lightly against my forehead.

_"Dean...Dean please..."_

Something is wrong, and it makes my chest hurt, but there's nothing I can do to fix it. There's another voice, one that belongs to the other person here. _"Breathe, Cassie. I told you it would be a lot for him to handle. He's okay. Just give it a minute to process."_

The third hand disappears, and the other two move up to rest on either side of my face as it dawns on me that Cas is distressed. It's that knowledge that makes my eyes fly open, and I sit up quickly, looking around for whatever's upsetting him. He jumps at the sudden move, but looks slightly relieved. "Dean? Can you hear me?"

"Of course I can," I answer, dragging a still-trembling hand through my hair. "Why..." My gaze falls to the large, red handprint on his chest, and slowly I understand. "What happened? Are you okay?"

Cas just shakes his head, looking close to tears. "When I opened my eyes you were just passed out...I thought..."

Relief washes through me as I realize that this is what's upsetting him, and I pull him closer, shushing him softly, careful not to press too hard against the burn. "It's okay, I'm okay," I assure him, pleased when he starts to calm down. "I couldn't really get my bearings for a minute there. But then I realized you were upset, and I had to make sure you were okay. I didn't realize you were upset because of me."

"How did you know he was upset?" Gabriel asks softly.

I frown. "I don't know, I just knew. Something felt wrong. It felt like he was scared."

Cas takes a deep breath, slowly looking up. "What does that mean, Gabriel?" He asks cautiously.

Slowly, Gabriel grins. "Well, the bond is still solidifying, but...I think it means it went better than we expected."

"And you're sure he's not hurt?"

Gabriel chuckles. "Do you feel okay, Dean?"

I consider it for a moment, nodding. "Kinda worn out, and my arm kinda hurts, but...I'm okay. Actually it's kind of good. Better, now that I know you're not in danger."

"And Cas?" He presses. "You feel okay?"

I gently wipe his face as he nods. "Yes. It's not bad."

Gabriel nods. "Well then, my work here is done. Not that I think you really want to do anything else, but I'd suggest staying here together while things settle. New bonds can be distressed by distance so soon. And you'll probably both be a little emotional until you adjust to the new senses, but I think you're going to be just fine. I'll come back in a little while to check on you."

With that he turns to leave, and Cas leans forward to rest his forehead against my chest again, sniffling softly. "Are you alright?" I ask gently.

He nods, smiling slightly as he glances up. "Yes. I just thought for a second that something had gone wrong and that I'd lost you..."

I kiss his forehead softly, holding him closer. "I'm not going anywhere. I'm right here, okay?"

Slowly, he relaxes in my arms. "I think I can feel you too," he murmurs after a minute. "It's nice."

For a moment I focus hard on how much I love him, and he gasps softly, his eyes widening. "Did you...feel that?" I ask. He nods. "Okay, that's cool. Do you think that's as far as it'll go, or do you think we'll be able to read each other’s' minds or something?"

Cas chuckles, settling more comfortably against my chest. "Who knows? We do tend to achieve more than expected. I guess we'll see how it develops. For now, I'm fairly happy like this."

I laugh, nodding and kissing him softly. "I'm pretty happy too." My fingers trace along the outside of my handprint on his chest, smiling. "How bad does it hurt?"

"It's...not the most comfortable," he admits. "But I don't mind so much. What about yours?"

I shrug. "It's manageable. We can try putting burn cream on them later if you think it'll help."

"I doubt it could hurt," he answers, closing his eyes for a minute. "You know, if we do end up able to hear some of each other's thoughts, it won't be all of them, just what you want me to hear. And even if I could hear everything, I'd never invade your privacy like that."

I chuckle, brushing his hair back lightly. "I know, Cas. Relax. I'm not scared. Besides, you sort of know all of my deep dark secrets by now."

He smiles, nodding. "Okay. It's kind of nice, being able to feel you again. Almost like being an angel again."

His fingers come up to trace around his handprint, and I sigh. "You know, it sort of feels better when you do that."

"Mine feels the same way," he answers softly. "Though there is one thing that might make it feel better..."

I raise an eyebrow at him curiously, and he grins, leaning close to kiss me softly. I chuckle, holding him tighter against my chest and pulling us both back down to the bed. "You're right, that does make it feel better."

Cas chuckles. "I can think of some other things that might work..."

I laugh, kissing his nose. "You're insatiable, aren't you? Aren't you tired?"

He hums in agreement, cuddling up against my chest. "Exhausted."

"Then let's relax for a little while. After we nap I have a present for you."

He looks up curiously. "A present?"

"Yeah. But it's for later." He frowns at me, and I laugh, kissing him softly. "It's worth the wait, I promise. Go to sleep."

 

* * *

 

 

When I open my eyes, Cas is already awake, and he smiles as I yawn. "Did you even sleep?" I chuckle.

"I did for a while," he laughs. "But then I was too excited. Plus, I had an idea."

I raise an eyebrow at him. "Why don't I like the sound of that?"

"It's a good idea," he answers. "I want to start fresh. That means I have to let go of all the stuff from before."

He takes my hand, pulling me up from the bed and into the living room, where Gabriel sits. "You sure about this, Cassie?" He asks.

Cas nods, and I frown. "Is someone going to fill me in here?"

"Ramiel," he answers, glancing towards the basement door. "I don't want him here anymore. He's not a part of our new life. We're going to talk to him."

"Are you sure that's a good idea?" I ask hesitantly.

He smiles, leaning up to kiss me softly. "Trust me, Dean. I know what I'm doing."

I nod reluctantly, holding onto his hand as we go downstairs. Gabriel enters first, then motions for us to follow. The former angel in the chair grins when he sees us. "And here I thought you'd forgotten about me."

"I haven't," Cas answers coolly. "Something tells me I never will. But you aren't doing me any good here."

His eyes fall to the red mark on Cas' chest, and he chuckles. "Oh, Castiel, you didn't... You are inventive, aren't you? I didn't even know you could manage a bond with a human. It's only going to hurt worse now when I take him away. It's for your own good, you know."

Cas bares his teeth for a moment, swallowing back a growl. He glances at me, taking a deep breath. "I'm not giving you the chance to harm him. I'm happy with my choices. But I'm not keeping you here either."

Even Ramiel frowns at that, looking suspicious. "Are you...letting me go? You really think you can change me? I've had plenty of time down here to imagine all the things I'm going to do to your human."

He sighs, considering him for a moment. "I understand why you did what you did. You're so angry, and it's twisted you. Everything you did to me to try to break my bond with Dean...It was out of heartbreak. And it only made our bond stronger. We all know how pain can change us. I am very sorry about what happened to Sarah."

Ramiel growls softly at the name. "Save your pity. I'm trying to help you, Castiel. Humans are too fragile. They're weak. This will only end in heartbreak for you. I don't care how far you send me; I will always find you."

Cas nods slowly. "I know that. You've been in pain for far too long for anyone to fix, and I'm also sorry that I can't help you. So I won't be releasing you as Ramiel, the ex-angel with a dead mate. But I will be releasing you."

The man in the chair watches him warily. "What are you doing?"

"I'm giving you a second chance," Cas answers. "I'm afraid that's all I can do for you. You won't remember this, but I do hope that you come to experience love again. I hope one day you'll realize that it's worth the pain."

He squeezes my hand tighter, nodding to Gabriel who steps closer as Ramiel starts to struggle. There's a bright light as Gabriel lays a hand on his head, and when I open my eyes again he's gone.

"What did you do?" I ask cautiously.

Cas shrugs. "I asked Gabriel to wipe his memories and give him a new, human life."

"That's kinder than I would have been," I murmur, pulling him closer.

He smiles. "I didn't want any more blood on my hands. And now he's not a threat to us."

I nod, kissing him softly. "And we're sure he won't remember one day?"

"Not a chance," Gabriel answers. "He's out of your hair for good. And I'll keep an eye on him just in case."

"Okay. Thank you."

Cas chuckles, leaning up to kiss my cheek. "Now, you said something about presents?" Gabriel snorts, and Cas looks at me with an offended expression. "Why does he get to know what it is?"

"'Cause I gave him the idea, Cassie," Gabe answers. "Now, if you don't mind, you too are disgustingly adorable, and I need to leave before you make me vomit."

He walks out, and I roll my eyes. "Does he have to be so dramatic?" Cas just pouts at me, and I chuckle. "Okay, okay, presents. Come on, it's upstairs." He follows me back into the bedroom, almost bouncing with excitement. "Okay, it comes in two parts. Here's the first one."

I hand over a box, laughing as he grins like a child on Christmas. He rips open the paper, his eyes widening as he pulls out a large camera. "Dean..." He breathes, looking between me and the machine for a long moment.

"What? I know how much you like taking pictures. You can do a lot more with this one than with your phone." It was true; since Cas discovered photography he's been slightly obsessed, and keeps running out of space on his phone. Sam thinks it's just a fascination with getting to freeze time, but I think it has a lot more to do with being able to hold onto those moments forever.

"Dean," he starts again, "Thank you so much. I love you."

He hugs me tightly, and I chuckle. "You haven't even opened the second part yet."

He frowns for a moment. “Well now I feel bad. You got me two presents and I didn’t give you any yet.”

“It’s fine, honey. You get me presents all the time,” I assure him. “Usually of the kinky variety. Which, believe me, I enjoy very much.” He snorts, looking curiously towards the second box. “Go ahead. Open it.”

Grinning, he opens it, frowning in confusion as he picks up the soft grey rope. “I’m…confused.”

I shrug. “If you’re going to take pictures, you might as well have a subject. And Gabriel told me about your idea.”

The understanding slowly dawns on him, and he looks back at the rope for a moment. “I’m going to kill him,” he sighs. “It was just an idea. We really don’t have to…”

“Cas, relax,” I chuckle, kissing his cheek. “I think it’s a good idea. Maybe you’re right. Maybe this way I’ll be able to see myself the way you see me. It might help.”

He looks at me doubtfully. “Are you sure? You’re not always comfortable with that…”

“That’s why I bought this,” I remind him. “I can do this. And if you think it might help, then I’m willing to try.”

Slowly, a grin spreads over his face, and he throws his arms around my neck, hugging me tightly. “I love you, Dean. Thank you.”

I can’t help but laugh at his excitement, hugging him back. “Any time. Besides, I figured you could use a kinky present too.”

He chuckles, leaning in to kiss me softly. “Believe me, I intend to enjoy it.”

“Should I be worried?”

“Not at all,” he smirks. “You should be excited.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What do you think? Be sure to drop me a line or leave me a review if you liked it, I do read them all and respond to many!
> 
> Love,  
> TheSongSmith


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